Category Archives: Busyness

Tired of Today’s Crazy Daze? — “Olden days” Answers from Granny’s Abundant Life

October 25, 2014Busyness, gratitude, joy, Like a little child, loneliness, Purposelouise

I wish I could chat on the back porch or pick vegetables in the garden again with this beautiful lady. She was 70 when I was born. Until the last couple years of her life (she lived to be 107.5), I never thought of her as old — she was simply Granny, and I loved her with all my heart. Everyone who knew her did.

One of the last times I saw Granny, she asked if I had rose bushes — she thought I should. Sadly, I couldn’t say yes. At the time, I thought I was too busy to spend much time in the yard. My gardening wasn’t in the same league as hers — or my beautiful mother’s.

Now I’m an empty nester, and I know there’s much to learn from Granny — her life, her dinner table, garden and her roses — and that just maybe, I should have made time to apply the values, priorities and principles I so admired– even way back when I had young children. It’s never too late to learn worthy things from a life well lived.

Granny hadn’t been widowed very long when I was born. I’m sure she was lonely sometimes, but it wasn’t apparent to me. People were always at her house; she was vibrant, interesting and overflowing with love and caring. She didn’t let her struggles define her. I never heard many complaints about her own circumstances or the actions of others. To the contrary, there was a contentment about her that was very appealing. Even in the challenges of her later years, there was a graciousness about Granny that allowed her to accept her limitations with humor and peace.

A teacher at heart, she was well into her 90s when she volunteered to read at the elementary school. I’m sure she never thought of herself as “old on the inside.” Certainly not as obsolete or without value and purpose. Kid’s from all over town called her Granny — and loved her. I think they knew she sincerely cared for and enjoyed each one of them.

I always felt that way too. She wrote me regular letters in college, and when I moved nearby as an adult, she lovingly gave love and garden memories to my children and all their generation. She valued the simple things and lived a full life, much of it doing what others might consider mundane tasks. Her attitude and the joy she brought to her chores made them the heart of a beautiful life.

She cooked a big “dinner” (the noon meal) almost everyday and always had a table full of lively guests to enjoy fresh vegetables from her garden, cornbread, sweet tea… Everything was full of flavor — never lacking in protein, carbs or fat. Granny was back and forth to the kitchen — one of the most serving people I’ve ever known, but not in a “Martha” kind of way. Granny was a deliberate and attentive “Mary,” and time with her never felt rushed or stressful.

Granny's dining room and roses — Granny’s dining room and roses

Whether on the back porch with it’s chearful oil cloth and box fans or in the dining room with sterling silver and her best china and linens, dinner was about being together — often visiting for an hour or so after dessert. We were in south Georgia without air conditioning, but it’s funny, I’ve never associated being hot with Granny’s house. I’m sure I was hot, it just wasn’t significant enough to remember.

Her house was big and rambling on small town Broad Street. When I would visit, I would let myself in the front door (which had no lock) and call out as I walked toward the kitchen. If she wasn’t there, I went right out the squeaky back door and into Granny’s garden. As a little girl, I thought her whole house and especially the back yard was a magical place… and I never grew out of that feeling.

I can see her now — doubled over working in a sleeveless, cotton dress (she never owned a pair of pants), yard shoes, and a baseball cap to shield the sun. She’d look up and push away wisps of curly hair that spilled from her bun (she never cut her hair either). She would smile like I had made her whole day by visiting. I was never an interruption, despite her earnest work. She made me feel special, loved and wanted — and she always encouraged me in all my activities.

There were all sorts of vegetables in her garden, but her roses… they were her pride and joy.

In the days when weddings were in churches and receptions in the fellowship hall, Granny provided buckets of roses for many a bride.

Toward the end of her life, Florida State asked her to ride in the homecoming parade, as the oldest living graduate of FSU (FSCW in her day). Always humble, she declined, and they sent her a beautiful arrangement — roses, of course. During one of our last visits, she tenderly reminisced about how much TLC roses need and the privilege and rewards of tending them. Another curious thing — I don’t remember there being a lot of roses in her house; I think she gave most of them away.

She was a smart, simple, humble, beautiful woman. She loved Jesus and read her Bible — but didn’t preach or wear her religion on her sleeve; it was a natural part of all she was. She lived her faith and shared His love. She loved His creation and walked and talked with God in their garden.

She read books, kept up with the news, had hobbies and loved her family. But the purpose of everything she was, learned and did seemed to be to give it away. She was active in civic clubs and the church, but much of her philanthropy was unofficial and without a tax deduction — simply loving and serving whoever God entrusted to her by putting them in her life.

Granny never flew on a plane or saw anything outside of driving distance. She worked hard, but never “worked out” or “counted calories and carbs.” She drank a touch of wine when it was offered but didn’t take vitamins or drink green shakes. She ate small meals throughout the day and stayed actively engaged in life right up to the end.

She never dyed her hair or had a professional mani-pedi. In my memory, she didn’t wear a stitch of makeup, and her dresses were not the latest fashions. She was ahead of her time in not liking stockings. Her legs usually had scratches from the garden and her face was wrinkled with laugh lines. Yet — without any qualifiers — I think all who knew her would call Granny beautiful and her life abundant.

Remembering Granny, I think maybe we spend too much time today searching for ways to reduce our wrinkles, waistlines, gray hairs, and discomfort. And trying to increase our lifespans, our “friend” lists, leisure, and wardrobes. Maybe the good life is simpler and a whole lot more than what the world says we should go after. Granny certainly proves the most beautiful part of any woman is found in seeing her heart and soul.

The olden days are attractive to a lot of us — hence the popularity of magazines like Real Simple and the trend toward minimizing. But the reality is that times are different. I’m not suggesting we garden in skirts, avoid airplanes and throw out all our makeup! It’s worth noting that adapting to changing times is an important indicator for happiness and longevity. Granny’s life span included a lot of acclimating and re-acclimating. Nor should we start saving bacon grease to season our veggies or shun modern medical advancements. I bet Granny would use olive oil today, too.

But could it be that we give the common idols of today’s popular culture way too much time and attention? Are we running so hard and trying to do and be so much in our crazy busy world that we have no time for other people?

What can we learn from all the beautiful people (past and present, of all ages) who model abundant life? I think they share many traits (in bold above) with my Granny — traits we can emulate and intentionally develop when we slow down — resist following the culture of the day — and seek real relationships, beauty and abundant life.

The hymn to sing at Granny’s funeral was easy — In the Garden by Charles A Miles

I come to the garden alone,
While the dew is still on the roses,
And the voice I hear falling on my ear
The Son of God discloses.
- Refrain:
  And He walks with me, and He talks with me,
  And He tells me I am His own;
  And the joy we share as we tarry there,
  None other has ever known.
He speaks, and the sound of His voice
Is so sweet the birds hush their singing,
And the melody that He gave to me
Within my heart is ringing.
I’d stay in the garden with Him,
Though the night around me be falling,
But He bids me go; through the voice of woe
His voice to me is calling.

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An eChallenge for eAddicts (and those who love them)

September 21, 2014Busyness, Freedom, heart of prayer, joy, Like a little child, personal growthlouise

We live in a new culture where traditional social interactions are often discouraged in favor of efficiency. Acts of kindness, respect, and simple acknowledgement of the people around us used to turn into friendships that knit us together. Many normally interactive routines have disappeared in our fast-paced world. We’re not encouraged to casually speak face-to-face with each other any more than necessary.

My hunch is that the resulting percentage of people experiencing chronic, low grade loneliness is well above the reported 40% — there’s an ugly stigma tied to feeling lonely. We hide it, even from ourselves, as we glorify busyness.

Researchers say soaring statistics around loneliness — directly attributable to our electronic obsessions — are bound to worsen without dramatic change on the parts of users. Let’s do something about it.

The eChallenge

Give up or limit electronic use for a period of time
Focus on connecting with people — That’s it.

2 experiments for myself:

No automated anything. No pay at the pump, ATMs, online interactions. No screens at all (phones and computers) for a short period. Engage more face-to-face, even when it’s inconvenient and uncomfortable.
Severely and systematically limit Computer, iPad and Smart phone use. Turn OFF all notifications — for a week. Engage more face-to-face. Intentionally create opportunities to connect and know people, risking they’ll think I’m strange.

The Goal — jumpstart to abundant Life. Wholeheartedness. Vibrant Connections. Messy, meaningful sharing of life with others. Friendships with skin on. Community. Finding God’s path…

If you’re convinced that more facetime and less screentime might enhance your life, make a plan, any plan… The point is to realize how intrusive and addicting electronics can be; and that there’s opportunity costs in all our clicking. My guess is our lives will be ENRICHED in many noteworthy ways. Not the least of which might be creating time and space to pray. Prayer is our number one connection.

Other tips: Assume interactions are meaningful. Engage others where silence is the code. Like elevators — how scandalous. Really see the people around you. Ask questions, and reveal something of yourself. Learn names. Watch an episode of The Waltons, Happy Days or The Cosby Show to remind yourself how much life has changed in a short period of time.

Information technology is beneficial and here to stay. As a user, I just need a bit of retraining: To stop being a modern-day electronic lemming. To discover how my habits might be isolating me and steering me down a dead end street. And to get a jumpstart on the road to Life.

Would you consider accepting the challenge? I’d love to hear how it goes. Below are a few sobering eStats to give you a push.

eStats

70% of Americans sleep with cell phones within arm’s length. 1/3 get online before getting out of bed.
61% check our phones at least EVERY hour.
Adults spend at least 8-12 hours staring at screens. That’s more time than we spend on any other activity, including sleeping. (messy house? Fatigue? No wonder!)
Despite the fact that most young people have an average of 243 Facebook friends, it’s not translated into real-life friendships. (Adults too?) Researchers theorize we are spending so much time online, that we no longer have time to go out with our non Facebook friends.
More than half of us admit that we find it more difficult to make friends in “real life” than online.
“Skin hunger” is a real condition that is impacting more and more of us… Eighteen-year olds are as lonely as eighty-year olds, and they want a friendship service because they can no longer make friends the traditional ways.
Why do we keep clicking? One possible answer: Dopamine, which regulates our reward and pleasure centers. We get a “hit” when we get a technological ping. What is the result? For a brief moment we feel known. Research proves when we get low levels of dopamine (hits), we are prone to addiction. (Davis, Connecting, 47-49)

91% of adults use a cell phone – the cell phone is the most quickly adopted consumer technology in the history of the world – and youth ages 12-17 put their cell phone adoption at 78%, and 37% of all teens have a smartphone
A recent study of Facebook users found that the amount of time you spend on the social network is inversely related to how happy you feel throughout the day. (slate.com)
67% of cell owners find themselves checking their phone — even when they don’t notice their phone ringing or vibrating. (Pew Review)
The increased mortality risk of loneliness is comparable to that of smoking and about twice as dangerous as obesity.
Social isolation impairs immune function and boosts inflammation, which can lead to arthritis, type II diabetes, and heart disease.

Admittedly, I’m a little anxious, but … HERE GOES.

Only the Lonely… Know this Feelin Ain’t Right (and that’s 40% of us)

September 12, 2014Busyness, gratitude, loneliness, personal growthlouise

photo 1-12 — Pink Reflections… we’re all intrigued by sunsets. There are tons of pictures of them, but sharing the moment live is so much better.

Loneliness means “that your heart is untethered to the hearts of others.” (Davis, page 9) Admissions have doubled in a short time: 40 percent of adults in two recent surveys said they were lonely, up from 20 percent in the 1980s. (slate.com) In her book Connected author Erin Davis describes loneliness as “an illusion of connectedness to the people around you accompanied by a gnawing fear that somehow you’re alone in the world.” (page 3) I know what it’s like to have close friends, a busy schedule, a loving marriage — and to still feel lonely.

The world is experiencing pandemic loneliness — so possibly, you’re feeling it, too? Medical science is proving that loneliness isn’t just a feeling, but a “disease.” It attacks us at a cellular level and contributes to many health problems. My last post highlighted our widespread Smart Phone ADDICTION. Through a series of posts, I’m sharing what I’m learning about how technology, convenience and reluctance all contribute to our loneliness. Hopefully, you’ll want to read Erin Davis’s book yourself. All quotes from Connected will be noted with a page number.

My own lonely confession: My calendar is over loaded, even prompting me to write about being crazy busy and my need for planned neglect. Life is mostly good. Still, in the midst of it all, I feel a foreign and inexplicable loneliness.

photo 5-2 — Granny was on to something! Sharing homegrown flowers and vegetables used to connect neighbors.

Moving back to Tallahassee when I did was a gift; it provided an obvious then and now contrast of life. Daily circumstances have changed for many of us empty nesting mid-lifers. While I still love, enjoy and appreciate my friends, I don’t see a lot of them.

Many of my closest relationships began in the embrace of “motherhood convenience.” We were moms in the same places who welcomed connection and built friendships. Then I moved away.

I left Tallahassee a single mom with a bustling household. For the first time, I kept up with friends mostly via the internet. I returned a newlywed empty-nester, working full time — a very different world — except for the continuation of all these eRelationships.

Amalfi Coast, Italy: Why do we connect so easily when we’re together in the beauty of nature?

I’ve reconnected with many people. When I bump into others, we are both genuinely glad. We’re still friends; it’s just that with convenience removed from relationships, we don’t get together as often. I’ve heard the same complaint from many friends (in various cities) who share this lonely feeling. We are baffled as to what’s going on and how to get off today’s hamster wheel.

I’m excited to share Davis’s book. It has given me insights into possible causes of this odd isolation and a hope for change. “God has hardwired us for deep and meaningful relationships, and true connection with others is possible and game changing.” (page 4) Don’t you want the life of vibrant connections He planned for you? I do.

Athens, Greece: We praise solitary achievement, but this artist paints where people can freely interrupt him, and we are all enriched.

How does a technology addiction fit in? I’m not demonizing technology — as usual, it’s user error that causes problems. Too much of my daily ‘relating’ amounts to what is on Facebook or in texts. That’s so unfulfilling, when I have experienced how energizing it is to really BE with the people on my screen. Electronics do not tether hearts very well. We might “feel the love,” but are we really satisfied? Known?

Knowing: Knowing is so well illustrated in the Biblical account of Jonathan and David — best friends. Jonathan gave up his birthright to the kingship and defied his father to save his friend. Why? 1 Samuel 18:1 says “the soul of Jonathan was knit to the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul.” This interweaving of souls required deep commitment on the parts of both men.

Think also of our more casual relationships. Of course, we reach various depths of knowing in a broad range of encounters. But as believers, we’re called to be part of a body — parts who need one another. Intertwined. “For just as the body is one and has many members, and all the members of the body, though many, are one body, so it is with Christ.” (1 Cor 12:12)

Tight living quarters help make connections in Italy where you can hear the neighbor’s baby crying, and doors are often open.

“Knowing says, ‘I see who you are and choose to weave my life into yours.‘” (page 30) A choice to briefly interact with a real person feels much better than the emotional void of swiping a card at the ATM. And does a hug compare at all to anything offered electronically? Face to face is not as fast, but is there always a reason to hurry, or is it a bad habit we’ve acquired? A wise friend told me, “I’d rather talk to three live people than text and facebook with 100.” Yet, he is in the minority, and frequently ribbed for not answering his beeps and tones.

What else? Is today’s loneliness pandemic attributable only to the abuse of technology, or is there something I can do to enrich my relationships, once I limit my screen time?

It seems there’s more to our isolation. Connecting was easy when it happened naturally at my “job” as mom. Maybe that convenience and the recent years of so much tidy, distant, automated relating have made me lazy. Do I google new recipes when I’m feeling adventurous, or call a friend who’s a good cook — and chat a while afterwards? A live phone call trumps a text for connecting every time. Why don’t we want to be “bothered” anymore with talking?

Real relationship like Jonathan and David’s is self-sacrificing: inconvenient, messy, time-consuming and deliberate. Some questions to ask ourselves —

Am I still willing to live that way, or has the fast paced, automated world sucked me in and spit me out a lemming? Proverbs 18:1 warns, “Whoever isolates himself seeks his own desire; he breaks out against all sound judgment.”

why not make it pretty? intersection in Sorrento, Italy — Why not make take time to make it pretty? An intersection in the middle of Sorrento, Italy celebrates the sacredness of a very normal day in the city.

Do I enjoy the perfection of presenting my “highlights film” to the world (pride?) from the privacy of my keyboard?
Or am I willing to be vulnerable, real and honest — face-to-face?
Do I want to let others into my reality, and to enter the messiness of their lives, as we share each other’s loads? (Galatians 6:2)
Or am I tending my own life, and want to just enjoy it, hunker down, or hide? Am I reluctant to BE with people?

It’s time to understand why I’ve begun pulling back from real daily life connecting. It’s always hard, but exciting to invite God to search me, to know me — to listen and repent of my sins, and then chase after what He desires for me. Something’s amiss, because God has abundant Life in mind (John 10:10), not the dangers of isolation and loneliness.

Italian style: we were invited into the kitchen to meet the staff, the owner chatted as he let us select our fish, and hugged us as we left.

Romans 12:2 says “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is — his good, pleasing and perfect will. ” It’s the verse God keeps putting in front of me.

We are invited to interact with our God, Abba, who is relational at His core — Father, Son and Holy Spirit. Protecting our daily quiet time and connection with Him is always step one. He is the only One who can love and know us perfectly, and He wants us to know Him.

The second step seems to be acknowledging my gratitude — for family and dear friends in Tallahassee and scattered about who know me and share their lives with me so well. I am eternally grateful to them and to God for them.

Prayer: Jesus, I will seek You and trust Your plan, as You show me the world’s ways that lead to loneliness. Please teach me to connect with others, to be authentic with them and to share our lives in a way that glorifies You. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

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