Category Archives: personal growth

Don’t Buy the Hype — You’re Not all that Special

December 7, 2015Freedom, Mid life, personal growth, Purposelouise

A dear friend and I met for a long overdue visit. As we talked about our empty nests and the resulting changes in our lives, we both admitted to a bit of disappointment.

We thought by now we would have accomplished more, obtained more wisdom. We expected to be all round more valuable, important and contributing citizens of the world by our 50s.

A more profound question followed: Is God calling us to just be… ordinary? (gasp)

Perhaps midlife crises are fueled by the eventual realization that the singular and noteworthy “me” I’ve fancied myself to be, doesn’t actually exist. Even the most successful people usually aren’t quite all they once imagined, and all this earth offers doesn’t quite measure up (read Ecclesiastes for a thorough exploration).

A presumed famine of childhood self esteem elicited the “YOU are special” slogans which have been spoon fed to us for decades. They mostly serve to inflate our egos and encourage self absorption. The culture pitched, and we swung at extraordinary lives with all we had. We believed we could “be the change” (even for Jesus), and DO BIG things! WE could be anything and expected to “have it all” along the way, if we only worked hard enough. We were special people living in special times.

What if we’ve defined special and success all wrong? What if we’ve passed on the hype to our kids? What if extraordinary doesn’t mean what our generation generally thought it did?

“Instead, God chose things the world considers foolish in order to shame those who think they are wise. And he chose things that are powerless to shame those who are powerful.” (1 Corinthians 1:27)

God’s guiding me to reassess life. In the process I’ve felt detached and isolated. Perhaps the nebulous mid life I’ve always heard about is at least partially to blame. What’s happening in me? What is God saying to us in this middle ground?

Whatever this age and stage is… I’m impatient to escape the resulting unrest. My gut says the emptiness isn’t due just to hormones or emotions, but rather transition and transformation.

It would be easier to label it, medicate it, ignore it, hide it, numb it or otherwise busy myself to the point of oblivion, but I don’t think it’s that simple. I can’t just press on as I always have. I feel drawn into a cocoon, but I’m also emerging. God is doing something different in me — creating something altogether new and beautifully ordinary.

As believers we’ve continually been maturing and being transformed (some call it sanctification) as we’ve lived through various seasons — and God’s got much more in store for us. “I will be your God throughout your lifetime–until your hair is white with age. I made you, and I will care for you. I will carry you along and save you.” (Isaiah 46:4) “And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit.” (2 Cor 3:18)

The empty nest gives God a great opportunity. Ambiguity and uncertainty are a part of change. Transitions by nature are liminal or without form. On the threshold between things. In his book “In Midlife” Murray Stein describes liminality “as ‘unformedness’ likened to being the elements of life before life itself is created. It is a time before creativity, but essential to the birth of new forms. A place of the ‘naked soul.'”

Yes! That’s how I feel. An element of the already but not yet. I sense the stillness before something important happens. There’s definitely excitement and anticipation. At the same time I feel stifled and exposed. Unsure and incomplete.

The relief and pleasure of sending my children out into the world has waned, and the space I’ve provided for God to do His new thing in me causes midlife allegations to intensify: you’re aimless… invisible… your life is mundane and meaningless.

While the accusations are untrue, I’m beginning to understand in the depths of my soul just how ordinary I am. Strangely, I think that revelation is part of what God’s been growing me toward.

It’s a little disappointing, but it also takes the pressure off to achieve — more than ever before. The shallow and mundane tasks of life are ordained by God just as much as the profound and impact full “big” moments. “Whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.” (1 Corinthians 10:31) The impact of my Granny’s life sure was a great example of that!

My flesh balks at the idea. There’s a part of me that still wants to buy in to the slogans — to do big things. To be renowned. First to repress my own insecurity and then to impress others with my depth and importance. My uniqueness, understanding and achievement.

That’s spiritual pride. And a great pedestal from which I can easily fall into condemning, rebuking and judging others with an utter lack of self-awareness. I’ve encountered these mature and self righteous know-it-alls (Jesus called them Pharisees). I recognize in myself a mid-life tendency to become just such a pious onlooker, and I want to do anything I can to avoid becoming that person.

My flesh may have planned to be seen as profound, wise, useful and spiritually strong. But Jesus came to us as a baby in a lowly manger and died on a cross. Matthew 10:24 says “A disciple is not above his teacher…” By His grace God continually humbles and changes me. What I really want is not for people to see me at all, but to make Jesus more widely known. To love Him more and more. To allow Him to mold me and use me however He chooses.

We are in good company when our bodies grow wrinkly, tired, stiff or sick. When we feel disconnected, invisible or discarded. Misunderstood in an unfamiliar culture where we once had a starring role. The common experiences of humanity safeguard us from self-importance and the heavy heartedness of taking ourselves and our endeavors too seriously. We might have increased limitations as we age, but not the God we serve! In thankfully surrendering to our present role in His story, we will always flourish for God’s kingdom.

God and His business are the things we need to revere and truly take seriously. Certainly not our ordinary selves. So let’s lighten up. Matthew 11:28-30 says “Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.”

By ourselves, we’re not so special. “For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it.” (1 Timothy 6:7) “Not that we are sufficient in ourselves to claim anything as coming from us, but our sufficiency is from God.” (2 Corinthians 3:5) We’re fallen. Sinful. We are ordinary people, but we’re made in the image of God. He loves each one of us exactly as we are. That’s beyond special.

To be extraordinary, we surrender to being ordinary and needy and let God work in us. “God saved us by his grace when we believed. And you can’t take credit for this; it is a gift from God.” (Ephesians 2:8) He even mysteriously accomplishes salvation in those He chooses, so that none of us can boast.

Saved by grace, we live by grace. Repent and give up our right to play God in our own stories. Then accept that something extra: God our creator, Jesus’ work on the cross, and the gift of His indwelling Holy Spirit — the only extra that matters in giving ordinary people extraordinary lives!

Let Him be extraordinary and give Him all glory — and the possibilities are boundless as we transition into following God into whatever next thing He has in store.

***God’s got a sense of humor. Just after I wrote the longest post ever, I found this familiar verse. God said it much more succinctly and eloquently than I in Romans 12:1-2… “So here’s what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don’t become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You’ll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you.” The Bible is our best guide! AMEN!

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A Thanksgiving Letter to Divorce

November 23, 2015divorce, joy, Marriage, personal growthlouise

Dear Divorce,

God hates you. I hate you. I’ve both shaken my fists at you in disbelief and cried in shame at your feet. I’ve alternately denied your presence and let your darkness completely define me. You’ve delighted in my accusations, anger, and sorrow. You know I find you to be a despicable enemy. You’re a thief who comes to kill, steal and destroy families.

And rob me you did…

But today is different. In the aftermath of your destruction I’m enveloped in a brilliant light. What you intended for evil, God has used for good! I am filled with Thanksgiving. Great things He has done.

You took away much more than you intended… and for that I give thanks to God. As you plowed through my life, you also inadvertently ripped and exposed the hardened soil of my heart. In your treacherous wake, you left fertile ground for God’s work.

When I felt my shattered world was more than I could bear, you heaped on more pain, deceit, injustice and suffering. I remember picturing my life as a flimsy paper plate, loaded with an entire Thanksgiving feast! When keeping the plate in one piece was all I could focus on, your sinister hand dumped another load of impossibly greasy mashed potatoes. You relished the impending disaster. But God was with me and held me and my portion in His hands. He taught me of His Sufficiency — where my true Protection came from. I let the Truth sink to my heart that I didn’t have to always be strong, and that dependence and weakness were fertile ground for His love to blossom in me.

Divorce, you left me emotionally broken and resigned to despair. It was just the posture the Father needed to teach me that I am His beloved daughter. That God delights in me and always has! Those months that followed the worst you had to offer, were the sweetest times I’ve ever experienced with my Abba.

I used to be self righteous, and like the Pharisees, I didn’t even realize it. I thought divorce could never happen to someone like me… I didn’t exactly judge those who were divorced, but I thought I was untouchable: a wee bit above that. Through divorce God taught me to always be aware in our hurting world of this Truth: but for the grace of God, there go I. He is creating in me (despite my flesh) a heart of compassion, humility and gentleness.

Divorce, you filled my world with chaos and confusion. You pulled the rug from under all I held dear. Everything I counted on for my security outside of God was affected. You left me feeling abandoned, vulnerable and alone. In my emptiness I cried out to God, and He delivered. He assured me that it was true: nothing in this world is everlasting. And that He alone is worthy of my worship and my complete trust. When I surrendered more of myself, wanting to be all-in with God, His generosity overwhelmed me. He gave me a prevailing JOY which had previously alluded me. His joy became my strength, and I no longer felt I had to always be the strong one. He graciously poured His peace over me — peace that trumps any circumstance I will ever endure. A peace that passes understanding.

Divorce, the pain, suffering and guilt you inflicted almost got this best of me. I flirted with self condemnation. But God’s Truth prevailed! My understanding of forgiveness expanded to a more thorough acknowledgement of my depravity and God’s forgiveness of me through the cross of Christ. He taught me that forgiveness isn’t just a prayer offered with a willing heart speaking Christ-like words and hoping for the best. God has shown me through this and other trials what it means to truly forgive my enemies — to pray for them and eventually even love them with His supernatural love. And He graciously understands my weakness and allows that forgiveness to be ongoing when my flesh drives me to less than He commands.

Divorce, there are so many other things you blew up or destroyed in the wake of your evil path —

My ability to be selfish and prideful — without even realizing it.
My desire to live only for myself, my family and my own little red wagon is gone. I fight to keep knowing and loving God as my first priority.
You robbed me of caring most significantly for those who I believe are like me — allowing room for God to show me how similar all of humanity is.
The protective walls I had built around my heart to shut out your unbearable pain, Divorce, were demolished when you forced your way in — but that also allowed Love to enter and grow as central to my existence.
You’ve robbed me of my fantastic glass castle of illusion. Of appearing and feeling stable, safe and secure. But God is showing me His grand but trying adventure. His plan and purpose for my life!
I no longer embrace keeping secrets as you encouraged. God has given me so many wonderful friends and professionals to hear my story and help me along the way!

Divorce, you have lost your power in my life. God’s faithfulness is so apparent to me now — worship is more meaningful than ever, and tears of gratitude and joy have returned to my eyes.

I begged God to save my marriage. To take away the pain and devastation. I knew He COULD do it, if He desired. But His ways and thoughts are so much higher and better than my own. He didn’t wave a magic wand to remove Divorce from my life. He did however use all the ugliness to do immeasurably more than I ever could have asked for, hoped for or imagined.

After I understood that He is my first love, my all in all — I truly knew I would be ok if I was otherwise alone. But God gave me the greatest earthly desire of my heart in my husband Rob, who loves and cherishes me like none other. Divorce, you tried to destroy us both, but in reality you served to fertilize the soil where God intended to show us HIS GLORY as He accomplishes His plan.

Divorce, you tried to convince us we are unlovable. But by God’s grace you lost. Through our marriage God is teaching us more each day about His unconditional love. His grace and the Fruit of the Spirit. Even in my current restlessness, I am more content than ever before.

So Divorce I despise you still, but this Thanksgiving I thank God for all He did in walking me through your treacherous world. And I place all the remaining hurts and consequences of your storm in His capable hands — with love, faith, hope and trust in my heart. To God be all Glory forever!

Faithfully, I belong to Him!

Louise

Reader: Maybe you’ve never been through divorce, but if you’re a child of God and you’ve lived a while — He’s probably brought you through some fire. Recall what God has done and how you’ve seen His power and found Him faithful. And just say Amen this Thanksgiving!

If by chance you’re in over your head and have never fully trusted God, may I encourage you to abandon yourself to God, your Creator, who loves you more than any of us can comprehend. You are more than safe in His hands. Give Him all you think, feel and want and trust Him to bring you through it all.

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Fruitful “Bunny Trails”

November 1, 2015Busyness, gratitude, joy, Mid life, personal growth, Purposelouise

1 Corinthians 12:6 “God works in different ways, but it is the same God who does the work in all of us.”

I’m offering a glimpse into my awkwardly-haulted, mid life, empty-nester, sandwich generation life — but I’m hoping you won’t diagnose me just yet. Because wonder and expectation are the joys I’m beginning to taste, as God gives me a new perspective on who I truly am, and why I’m here right now. This crazy “bunny trail” might be fruitful after all.

If you’re new to my blog, you can click on red links for previous posts. Since last spring God’s message to me has been to abandon many things that once defined a good Christian life to me. To be still and listen for His voice. Midlife is a new stage, and He is doing a new thing! So, I stopped doing much of the activity that felt comfortable, good and right. My days begin as a pretty blank slate and end full to overflowing, but without an easy description.

In my decreased “doing” and increased “being” I’ve felt… what? It’s still hard to articulate. For the first extended period of my life I’ve felt insecure, inadequate, afraid, vulnerable, old, obsolete, invisible… like the me I know is slipping away.

Isaiah 43:19 “For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland.”

At the same time, I feel confident that God is doing something important — preparing my heart for what’s next. Secretly I’m expectant, but I’m also embarrassed. It’s now obvious to the casual observer that I’m muddling.

I was once a young girl living for achievement to prove my worth. Could it be that my adult “performance pendulum” needed to swing to what FEELS TO ME like the opposite extreme — an unproductive and worthless life — when in reality, I am discovering my sweet spot in seeking Jesus and His will for my days?

2 Corinthians 12:9 “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”

I think God’s current work in me required this path where not much makes sense and I feel inept — because this season leaves me increasingly distrustful of my flesh and clinging more whole-heartedly to God: His love, His Word and His Sovereign goodness.

Galatians 5:24 “Now those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.”

I cherish solitude. I need to discover who I am in His eyes, what He’s teaching, and where He’s calling me. To allow Him to search me and show me where I need to repent. To let God fill me to overflowing. Oftentimes so much solitude feels lonely, but His call is stronger than the world’s distraction.

Sound peaceful? Think again. Here’s that real-life glimpse into my home with no “ugly staging.” That’s why I’ve been perplexed as to what’s going on. I think I’m being obedient, but it looks fruitless and really BAD on the outside…

I did clean out the stuffed-to-gurgling skimmer and even some of the leaves in the pool, but all while I was on the phone with a friend, so I couldn’t finish the job well… (half-baked is a theme around here)

The suitcase is still partially packed from a weekend getaway… 2 weeks ago. It’s become a makeshift dirty clothes hamper. The heels were from last weekend’s wedding (I didn’t decide which to wear until we arrived), the boots from the Young Life Banquet — all reminders of wonderful times, but I’m sure Rob wishes they weren’t just inside the bedroom door!

This pretty flower arrangement could have been separated into several nice gifts for neighbors after the event. What a great excuse to drop by for a visit! Instead it’s been in the garage… next to the citrus fertilizer I need to spread. Or did I miss that window?

I could go on… message me for the other 10 snapshots if you need more evidence that God’s directives can look messy.

I have ample time on my hands to do all that’s left undone. I just haven’t been using my extra hours to accomplish much of anything. Maybe like me you’re sort of dismayed by my neglect. I’ve been hard on myself, but unable to “get it together,” because the call I’ve felt to “be still” is much stronger than the urge to jump in.

Psalm 39:7 “And now, Lord, what do I wait for and expect? My hope and expectation are in You.”

I have made time to rekindled the gift of hospitality and met with or talked to numerous family and friends. We’ve shared, laughed, cried and prayed. I’ve been involved with a variety of people, but not in my usual activities.

In a scheduled world where so many people are driven to get things done, I have very little to show for my time these past months. God has given me permission to be available, unstructured and present with others. To rest and to be alone with Him, without words.

I’ve been able to “be there,” precisely because I’m not really needed anywhere else. I’ve felt uneasy with change. It hasn’t been glamorous or noteworthy — but maybe it’s been fruitful. I’m learning to let my life be a simple gift. To pay attention and be present. And that my “work” is no less valuable when it’s unannounced and unseen.

I think my Granny’s life held more secrets to the truth of John 10:10 than I ever realized.

I’m even starting to see the Godliness inherent in the mundane daily tasks required to keep the wheels on my bus — I just have a whole lot of catching up to do!

My undertakings aren’t very exciting in and of themselves, but I’m developing a refined taste for them and a new joy in each moment. I think it’s because all these little tasks comprise the humble everyday work of being me. Of life to the full.

What about you? Philippians 1:6 says “And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.” His work is ongoing.

Are you so busy doing what you do, that there’s no space for the Holy spirit to speak something new? Jeremiah 2:25 says, “Slow down. Take a deep breath. What’s the hurry? Why wear yourself out? Just what are you after anyway? But you say, ‘I can’t help it. I’m addicted to alien gods. I can’t quit.'”

Or are you in transition — missing the “old days” and wondering if life will ever be vibrant again? “But one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead. I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 3:12)

Maybe you have to spend more time than you ever imagined managing invisible health issues? Psalm 92:14 — “They will still yield fruit in old age; They shall be full of sap and very green.”

What is God whispering in your ear? Will you still yourself to listen and let God do a new thing? “May the God of peace Himself sanctify you completely; and may your whole spirit, soul, and body be preserved blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. He who calls you is faithful, who also will do it.” (1 Thess 5:23 – 24)