Category Archives: gratitude

5 things EVERYONE should know about Divorce

August 22, 2014divorce, Freedom, gratitude, personal growthlouise

Divorce, in some ways, is my least favorite topic to write about. Sometimes I wish I could block it all out of my mind. It’s the worst experience God has allowed and redeemed in my life so far. It’s also the season where so much of my spiritual and emotional growth has occurred. I believe God wants me to share all He has taught me through the darkness. If it took what I’ve been through to bring me to where I am — it was all worth it.

My posts around divorce have generated some of the largest responses. Your comments are personally very encouraging to me and an affirmation that maybe God is somehow in this blog. So here’s another “divorce” post where I’ll share from my personal experiences — to His Glory. Everyone’s unique, but many things He taught me through divorce are applicable to anyone.

I’m writing to empathize with others who have been through divorce. To those who want to be a good friend to someone in a bad marriage. Also, to be real and honest about the BIG picture with those who are still married, but think the grass might be greener in other pastures. And even to the single people who are in love and contemplating marriage — be very thoughtful and prayerful before getting caught up in the celebration. The wedding quickly ends, but the marriage is intended to last forever.

In 2003 the inevitable dissolution of my 1st marriage became apparent; some tough years followed. By 2009 when I met Rob, my story had become one of Life, Joy and Love. My love story has a happy ending, in that I am now married to the most wonderful man in the world. We have the kind of relationship I never dreamed could exist, in a totally good way. That’s why I asked my daughter to read Ephesians 3:20 at our wedding. I am often overwhelmed with gratitude for all God has done in me and for me, despite my sins that led to divorce. He walked with me through it all, which gives me a much greater faith moving forward. The words in red above are links to previous posts related to divorce and some things I’ve learned.

Rob and I are building a business and a home together — it’s not always easy. A successful second marriage (or single life for that matter) is not the final chapter of the “Divorce Book.” Even with our happiness, the consequences and pain of divorce continue to creep into our lives, as we muddle through each new stage of life.

Five things I’ve learned about life after divorce. #1 is primarily for those who are divorced, but we’re all touched by divorce in some way. If I had understood these things earlier, the outcome wouldn’t have changed for me. But I would have been better prepared to navigate my own divorce and a better friend to others in theirs.

1. Divorce is NOT who you are. It took a while for me to be able to even say the “D” word out loud; I didn’t see myself as the kind of person who got divorced. Then for a while I totally defined myself as a divorced person — in shame. I was a second rate citizen, a misfit in my own mind. If you can relate, stop the lies now. Repent of the sin that led to divorce. Let God heal you, and live your life a new way!

Following are a few TRUE things God has to say about me (and you) in His Word. God says I am loved. I am favored. I am His child. I am chosen. I belong. I delight Him… We all need to seek truth, what God says about us, and believe that — not the shame filled lies and condemnation.

2. Though sometimes it doesn’t feel like it, your life will be good again. I don’t know what your future holds, but I do know, if you seek Him and trust God ruthlessly, He will redeem it all in a way that is perfect for you. Hang on to hope. “‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you.'” (Jeremiah 29:11) And reread Ephesians 3:20 — it’s true for you too!

3. Divorce will most likely never “go away,” especially if you have children. This is a BIGGIE. Even after 18 (and certainly before) — children deserve parents who love each other. Many details were out of my control, but divorce made me a participant in stealing “family” as it was intended from my kids. I grieve that for them every single day. Children don’t divorce their other parent, even if they can understand the dissolution is all for the best. As co-parents your ex are still somewhat thrown “together.” A few things you may not have considered if you’re contemplating divorce and have children:

Your children could have “significant others” playing a parent role in their lives – half of whom are totally out of your control.
Holidays can be wonderful, but there’s an element that is forever tough and broken. Sometimes you might be alone.
“Blended” family is a misnomer — even in the best of circumstances. A blender combines elements creating something altogether new. In reality, it’s more of a crock pot life. SLOW to evolve, with each individual ingredient maintaining its identity — there’s a lot of heat and steam as things things cook. Each ingredient plays a role, and possibly something wonderful emerges! Sometimes the crock pot just nukes things.
The other parent will do things you don’t agree with (like they probably did in marriage) and you will probably have LESS chance of discussion and influence.
Even now with older children — I look ahead and wonder how “family” events will go (where sometimes family is a bunch of people who wish they didn’t remember each other). I know I will need to put my desires and feelings on a back burner to support our children — who didn’t ask for any of this. All part of my daily broken heart.
When everything familiar is ripped from beneath them, kids have to grow up too fast. No matter how much you try to protect them, divorce prematurely launches children into an adult world. Because they are not developmentally ready for the turbulent waters, children often experience a range of changes: anger, disrespect, loss of relationship, confusion, perfectionism, personality changes, depression, anxiety, fear… Parental emotions and fatigue are heightened. It’s a bad combination, and the adults have to step up to the plate. That said, guilt is a horrible parent — and hard to shake from your parenting tools during and after a divorce. Fight hard for your children’s family to remain intact. And no matter what happens, trust God and believe He will use it all for the good of everyone. (Romans 8:28)

4. God gave Biblical reasons for divorce to protect you, not to limit you. I know this is controversial territory. If you are a believer contemplating divorce, read your Bible and trust Him. Seek Godly counsel. Be sure you and God are together in your decisions. Gotquestions.org can help you get started; “First of all, no matter what view one takes on the issue of divorce, it is important to remember Malachi 2:16: “I hate divorce, says the LORD God of Israel.” According to the Bible, marriage is a lifetime commitment… God realizes, though, that since marriages involve two sinful human beings, divorces are going to occur. In the Old Testament, He laid down some laws in order to protect the rights of divorcees, especially women (Deuteronomy 24:1-4). Jesus pointed out that these laws were given because of the hardness of people’s hearts, not because they were God’s desire (Matthew 19:8).” The flip side: Divorce can be our loving God’s provision of protection for you and your children. Sometimes the preachers fail to say this from the pulpit – for fear they will mislead those who shouldn’t divorce. Whether divorced with or without Biblical grounds, sin was involved. God forgives and redeems those who seek Him — those who love and obey Him.

5. Divorce is a financial downturn- no matter what you’re dividing. While nothing matches the emotional costs of divorce, the monetary repercussions are worth mentioning. Of course there are the obvious: often enormous legal fees, twice the living expenses (once you separate), double purchases to take care of children and the splitting of assets controlled entirely by a legal system that is more of a crap shoot than a justice system. Then there’s the inevitable changes that follow — good ones and bad ones that mean a rebuilding of the infrastructure of life. Instability is expensive. Moving and rebuilding your life costs money that otherwise might have gone to much more rewarding things.

In summary, I hope it’s obvious that despite having been through a divorce, I strongly believe in the covenant of marriage, and God’s teaching around it. I think God hates divorce because it hurts people deeply. In the case of my first marriage, I was also struggling to grow significantly in my faith while remaining in the environment that relationship provided.

A good marriage is one of God’s most amazing gifts to us. My marriage to Rob has taught me so much about God and His love. However, if I hadn’t met Rob, I had arrived at a place where I was okay being single — for one reason. Jesus. Jesus loves me. He is my first love, and He is all I ever needed. God is Bigger than divorce, He is BIGGER than my sins. He loves me and He is GOOD all the time.

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Is it “just stress” or am I losing my mind?

June 16, 2014Busyness, Freedom, gratitude, heart of prayer, personal growthlouise

I’m going to be really vulnerable here — sometimes I’m really scared I’m losing it, my mind.

Whether it’s from multiple concussions, early alzheimers, menopause, stress or toxins in the environment … I don’t have the mental capacity I once did. I forget — a lot.

Just today, I was sitting in an 8:30 meeting at work, when my friend arrived for our breakfast date. I had totally forgotten. On the way home this afternoon, Rob and I stopped for gas. The station wasn’t open, so I said that I’d get gas later. About 30 minutes later, I called to tell him the fuel guage must be broken; it was registering “E” despite the fact that we… only his confusion stopped me from resetting the odometer so we could guestimate the fuel consumption on our trip tomorrow. I thought a solution to the problem out really thoroughly — in my insanity! I felt the tears. Tears of fear and frustration. I stifled them and finished my to do list.

Soon I leave for Europe. God in his goodness, wisdom and gracious love has seen fit to send me away! We are headed to Greece and Italy — countries known to be laid back. Chill. Slow. I need this vacation.

I am amazed at the Italian’s lack of preoccupation with productivity and worry, and their vibrant attentiveness to LIFE — even as they work! So much life: beauty, emotion, sharing… love.

My prayer is that the stress I feel throughout my body and mind will melt away from me, as I relax and enjoy this wonderful opportunity. Exhale…

What’s my part while I’m on vacation?

I’ll relax and trust my husband, who is amazingly organized, calm, fun and wonderful to travel with. On our first trip together, I accidentally dropped my boarding pass in the toilet… I frantically rinsed it and tried to dry it in the hand drying blower — but I didn’t need to. Rob had an extra for me! The guy is amazing in his care and foresight — and a gift from God.

I won’t take a cell phone, and we’ll only check email enough to be prudent. As much I like to feel needed, I’ll trust our team at work to do things well in our absence. I’ll trust that our wonderful, competent children will cope with all that comes down the pike. And while I have a tear and a catch in my stomach at going so far away, I’ll trust that Mom and Dad are well loved and cared for by so many; they will do well despite my absence.

I’ve been excessively stressed — almost under water — these last few weeks. I think I’ve lived in chronic stress for so long, that I am immune to my warning symptoms. I’ve never fully let God heal me of “stressed out” as my status quo. I’ve lived with the feeling that I am in a tank, water (representative of stress) is about to my neck — all the time. That is my stress plumb line, so to speak. Where I live. A stressful event, or even an accumulation of little stresses, can leave me struggling to breathe with my nose almost under.

Jesus said, “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?” (Matthew 2:25)

I’ve been blessed not to need to worry a lot about the basics: food, clothing and shelter — but I am little consumed with a “materialism” of sorts. I worry about my children navigating their careers and relationships. I want them to flourish and be happy without big troubles and anxiety. I want my parents to have some sense of enjoyment in their golden years. I have a picture of what I think is best for Rob and me. Basically, I want a comfy, cozy, happy, do-good life for everyone — and it takes a lot of energy to strive for and maintain it all.

Believing the promises of this world and the “goods” it offers will not bring me happiness and it is a certain path to a stressed-out lifestyle — no matter what my socio-ecomomic status. A “wealth” of education, financial success, status, usefulness, good works, giving, leisure, family time, success of children, or whatever else I might idolize, will not bring me joy, contentment, happiness or life. Much of what the natural world offers is truly beautiful (like the Greek Isles, Italian sunsets and especially wonderful people), but my appetite for the world’s treasures is insatiable — and thus stressful if not kept in perspective.

The answer to stress begins and ends in Jesus. Jesus offers us great encouragement in John 14: 1: “Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me.” We desperately need Him in our lives. He is the only one who can give us the strength to cope with the inevitable troubles in our lives.

Believing leads to the most important trusting of all I must do. I will trust God. Proverbs tells us to “trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.” Leaning on “our own understanding” often means adopting the world’s ways of relieving stress— Instead, we are to trust Jesus and His Word as our guide. Only He can calm my stress and give abundant life here on earth.

Phillipians 4:6-7 says “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Then in John 14:27, “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.”

Stress of all kinds is a natural part of life. But how we deal with it is up to us. Will I create more stress in my life by following the world’s ways and listening to the world’s answers for my life? Will I try to make life work on my own terms? Will I covet happiness and a care-free life for myself and especially those I love? Or will I bow to God’s Sovereignty and Wisdom?

The only way we can effectively deal with stress is through Jesus Christ, first by believing in Him. Secondly, we have to trust Him and obey Him. God is always good. All the time. Doing things my way and wanting what I want when I want it (even good things) is sin. It separates me from God and His Joy and Peace. Obeying God is the path of true contentment. Finally, I need time with Him daily: to be filled with His Word. to give Him my burdens in prayer. It is only by His grace, mercy and love that the stress in our lives can be managed.

Where do Italy and Greece fit in? I’m not sure, but I do know this trip, like all of life, is a gift from God — from Him, about Him and for Him. I’ll praise Him and be thankful in all things! If I keep my eyes open and look for Him in all I see, I feel sure He will show me how my surrender — my trusting, believing, praying and obeying Him will heal my “stressed out” condition in these laid back cultures. I’m hoping stress will melt away on vacation. I’m excited and expectant — for the adventure and for what God will do in it!

And when He takes my stress away, I hope my mind can return to it’s rightful place.

Cheap is a popular word!

May 22, 2014gratitude, heart of prayer, personal growth, Purpose, sandwich generation, waitinglouise

It seems we’re all looking for something cheap. We all like a good deal. When I googled the word “cheap,” I got 396 million results in .32 seconds. Cheap shoes, cheap flights, cheap restaurants, cheap hotels, cheap cars, cheap gas, cheap cell phones, cheap art… the list is endless.

Since I wrote my last blog post, Cheap Forgiveness, I have gotten over 300 comments (and rapidly increasing) — mostly from those pesky robots selling cheap knock offs of the designer labels. Whether we’re selling or buying it seems like there’s a lot of cheap stuff available in life.

It occurred to me that sometimes we all settle for less than the real thing — in order to have what we want in the moment? We try to meet our own “needs,” we look for cheap imitations of God’s gifts of love, peace, abundance and joy.

We are sojourners here on earth. Heaven is our home, and we’re all equipped with a desire and a hunger for all God and His kingdom are. We wonder at our purpose and the afterlife. We search for meaning and significance. We question violence, pain and illness. We aren’t quite okay with how things are on earth, because we were made for something more!

Consider the familiar story of The Prodigal Son found in Luke 15:11-32 — with a little poetic license. The younger son was spoiled rotten. He had it all, but it wasn’t enough. (‘It’ never is, is it?) He didn’t want to be a part of his father’s household. He wanted independence! To live life his way, so he took early payment on the inheritance he felt entitled to and ran. He lived it up on the “best” the world could offer him — and wasted everything. He was broke and living in a pigpen.

He tried to make the pigpen a home. He threw a blanket on the straw and called it a bed. Ketchup on the slop and called it dinner. Possibly even lipstick on a sow and called her sweetie, but as the old saying goes, lipstick on a pig doesn’t change the truth.

We do our best to create the “good life” in the here and now. Fancy cars, homes, and trips. Nothing is too much and nothing is quite enough. We need better. We need more. More money, better clothes, more customers, better grades, more memberships, better schools, more friends… finish the thought with whatever you and your family are focused on or hoping for. Many of these are good things that God intends for us to enjoy. But are they Life?

Some people seem to grab on to Jesus early, and focus on Him. Others are more like the prodigal’s older brother (another story altogether). I think I’ve resembled both sons at different times of my life. Definitely, even as a Christian, I have tried to find and enjoy life my way at times.

Eventually, we realize the next achievement, the next good time or big toy is always a little further down the road, and we aren’t satisfied. We are forced to choose. Either we pretend the life we’ve created is wonderful; that it’s all we want and need — or we can swallow our pride, turn our backs on the pigpens we’ve called home, and humbly return to the Father for Life, like the prodigal son.

This is always Jesus’ desire and invitation to us! “Seek first the King’s (God’s) plan: At the right time He will bring everything together under the authority of Christ — everything in heaven and on earth.” (Ephesians 1:10) It’s all a matter of primary focus.

We are on a wonderful, adventurous journey! God wants us to experience joy along the way, but the destination is our goal. We must keep it in sight. If all we care about is our comfort and the quality of our travel, the route we will take, who we will sit by, and will it be in first class… If our focus is what it will take to pay our way? Where will we go next and what can we buy along the way … we will be settling for way less satisfaction that God intended.

Our hearts tell us that we were made for more. That the good life is somewhere else. We may not know exactly where we are going, but we know the journey is not our home. “God… has planted eternity in the human heart.” (Ecclesiastes 3:11) Life on earth is just the beginning!

I am turning 50 soon. To some that sounds ancient. Others think wistfully back to 50 as young. I’m wanting to age gracefully and say today is the best day of my life! Somedays it’s true… others, not so much! No matter where we are chronologically in our journey — youthful and idealistic, in the midlife sandwich generation, in our golden years, or even prematurely facing death — it is tempting to look back and believe our best years are behind us. Worse yet, we can look back with regrets, feeling we squandered opportunities on worldly pursuits — trying to comfort ourselves and provide for our own life apart from God.

In the words of Max Lacado, “Hogwash! You will do your best work in heaven. Do you regret wasting seasons of life on foolish pursuits? So do I. But we can stop our laments. We have an eternity to make up for lost time. Are you puzzled by the challenges of your days? Then see yourself as a jewel and God as a lapidary. He is polishing you for your place in his kingdom. Your biggest moments lie ahead, on the other side of the grave. ” I love this quote, especially as I consider the very strange possibility that at least half my life on earth is behind me.

So what does it all mean for NOW? “Seek those things which are above, where Christ is sitting at the right hand of God.” (Colossians 3:1) That means we obsess about God and His Kingdom. Keep Him in mind all the time. He is with us. It doesn’t mean we shouldn’t enjoy the tangible and intangible gifts of this life. The people, the places, and whatever God blesses us with. But first and foremost remember God. It’s all about Him. Knowing HIm. Loving Him. His plans and desires for us should be our own.

“I have called you friends.” (John 15:15) Knowing Jesus is life’s greatest joy and greatest achievement. Keeping Heaven in sight means giving Jesus our attention first, as our first love. He becomes more and more real as we spend time with Him.

Sometimes we say we don’t have time for prayer or Bible Study. But what is so pressing? Isn’t it the things of the world that we are putting ahead of Jesus? Seeking God through prayer, if you think about it, is the biggest time SAVER in the world! How much is squandered by chasing and building our own pigpens, instead of knowing, loving and listening to the Creator — the One who will soon welcome us home — no matter where we are in life’s journey.

John 14 1-7 (MSG) ^1-4“Don’t let this throw you. You trust God, don’t you? Trust me. There is plenty of room for you in my Father’s home. If that weren’t so, would I have told you that I’m on my way to get a room ready for you? And if I’m on my way to get your room ready, I’ll come back and get you so you can live where I live. And you already know the road I’m taking.”

⁵Thomas said, “Master, we have no idea where you’re going. How do you expect us to know the road?”

^6-7Jesus said, “I am the Road, also the Truth, also the Life. No one gets to the Father apart from me. If you really knew me, you would know my Father as well. From now on, you do know him. You’ve even seen him!”