Category Archives: Freedom

An eChallenge for eAddicts (and those who love them)

September 21, 2014Busyness, Freedom, heart of prayer, joy, Like a little child, personal growthlouise

We live in a new culture where traditional social interactions are often discouraged in favor of efficiency. Acts of kindness, respect, and simple acknowledgement of the people around us used to turn into friendships that knit us together. Many normally interactive routines have disappeared in our fast-paced world. We’re not encouraged to casually speak face-to-face with each other any more than necessary.

My hunch is that the resulting percentage of people experiencing chronic, low grade loneliness is well above the reported 40% — there’s an ugly stigma tied to feeling lonely. We hide it, even from ourselves, as we glorify busyness.

Researchers say soaring statistics around loneliness — directly attributable to our electronic obsessions — are bound to worsen without dramatic change on the parts of users. Let’s do something about it.

The eChallenge

Give up or limit electronic use for a period of time
Focus on connecting with people — That’s it.

2 experiments for myself:

No automated anything. No pay at the pump, ATMs, online interactions. No screens at all (phones and computers) for a short period. Engage more face-to-face, even when it’s inconvenient and uncomfortable.
Severely and systematically limit Computer, iPad and Smart phone use. Turn OFF all notifications — for a week. Engage more face-to-face. Intentionally create opportunities to connect and know people, risking they’ll think I’m strange.

The Goal — jumpstart to abundant Life. Wholeheartedness. Vibrant Connections. Messy, meaningful sharing of life with others. Friendships with skin on. Community. Finding God’s path…

If you’re convinced that more facetime and less screentime might enhance your life, make a plan, any plan… The point is to realize how intrusive and addicting electronics can be; and that there’s opportunity costs in all our clicking. My guess is our lives will be ENRICHED in many noteworthy ways. Not the least of which might be creating time and space to pray. Prayer is our number one connection.

Other tips: Assume interactions are meaningful. Engage others where silence is the code. Like elevators — how scandalous. Really see the people around you. Ask questions, and reveal something of yourself. Learn names. Watch an episode of The Waltons, Happy Days or The Cosby Show to remind yourself how much life has changed in a short period of time.

Information technology is beneficial and here to stay. As a user, I just need a bit of retraining: To stop being a modern-day electronic lemming. To discover how my habits might be isolating me and steering me down a dead end street. And to get a jumpstart on the road to Life.

Would you consider accepting the challenge? I’d love to hear how it goes. Below are a few sobering eStats to give you a push.

eStats

70% of Americans sleep with cell phones within arm’s length. 1/3 get online before getting out of bed.
61% check our phones at least EVERY hour.
Adults spend at least 8-12 hours staring at screens. That’s more time than we spend on any other activity, including sleeping. (messy house? Fatigue? No wonder!)
Despite the fact that most young people have an average of 243 Facebook friends, it’s not translated into real-life friendships. (Adults too?) Researchers theorize we are spending so much time online, that we no longer have time to go out with our non Facebook friends.
More than half of us admit that we find it more difficult to make friends in “real life” than online.
“Skin hunger” is a real condition that is impacting more and more of us… Eighteen-year olds are as lonely as eighty-year olds, and they want a friendship service because they can no longer make friends the traditional ways.
Why do we keep clicking? One possible answer: Dopamine, which regulates our reward and pleasure centers. We get a “hit” when we get a technological ping. What is the result? For a brief moment we feel known. Research proves when we get low levels of dopamine (hits), we are prone to addiction. (Davis, Connecting, 47-49)

91% of adults use a cell phone – the cell phone is the most quickly adopted consumer technology in the history of the world – and youth ages 12-17 put their cell phone adoption at 78%, and 37% of all teens have a smartphone
A recent study of Facebook users found that the amount of time you spend on the social network is inversely related to how happy you feel throughout the day. (slate.com)
67% of cell owners find themselves checking their phone — even when they don’t notice their phone ringing or vibrating. (Pew Review)
The increased mortality risk of loneliness is comparable to that of smoking and about twice as dangerous as obesity.
Social isolation impairs immune function and boosts inflammation, which can lead to arthritis, type II diabetes, and heart disease.

Admittedly, I’m a little anxious, but … HERE GOES.

Are you on the Path of Life?

September 18, 2014Freedom, heart of prayer, joy, Like a little child, loneliness, personal growthlouise

Some people — whether they feel happy, sad, scared or whatever — live wholeheartedly. We are drawn to them and wonder with longing what their secret is. They are introverts, extroverts, men and women from all walks of life. What they have in common is a deep and meaningful connection to others. They feel known and loved in a world where life is a journey meant to be experienced and shared.

Perhaps it was never in their temperaments to hide or isolate themselves. Or it’s possible they’ve made a conscious decision to risk living intertwoven with others – even though they are sometimes hurt, rejected and fail. Either way, their lives are attractive and desirable, but belonging to this vibrant group eludes some of us. What is it they have, that we might not? Some possibilities:

Courage and willingness to be imperfect. We all acknowledge we are sinful, for goodness sakes, surely honest mistakes and sub par performances are allowed.
Compassion (this will surprise you) toward themselves first and then others. They are not their own worst critic, therefore they give ample grace to both themselves and others.
Vulnerability. It’s is the human condition, and even more so for Christians. While some of us find this a terribly painful truth, those who live fully connected and alive surrender to it’s necessity. Vulnerability is at the heart of belonging, which leads to fullness and the freedom to live artfully.
Pebble Hill Plantation, Georgia

There’s another group of us who flirt with life on Lonely Street — and know in our hearts we’re missing something. What if time spent on the continuum of chronic loneliness inversely impedes our experience of the abundant life God promises? Let’s view loneliness, for a moment, as the antithesis of abundant life. Are you living life to the fullest most of the time? If not, are you willing to take another path?

I know how painful it is to to trust, to let your guard down and others in — only to get burned. It happens in business, families and friendships. No one is totally immune. What do we do in response?

When our relationships fail or don’t meet our expectations, most of us withdraw. With each subsequent rejection, we build more walls — and we succeed in keeping others out and feeling isolated.

But the truth is relationships aren’t all about what we receive as individuals. We are made to live in community with others, as image bearers of God. Consider Jesus’ relationships. He reaches out to others first (including you and me) and doesn’t seek people because they can benefit Him. He doesn’t keep score and he’s the first to resolve conflict and forgive.

He asks us to be like Him. In a nutshell, loving our neighbors (relationship) is about loving God and letting Him fill us with perfect love. God’s extravagant love, demonstrated to us on the cross and everyday of our lives, freely flows through us and impacts others.

Sometimes, we struggle to love this generously. We hoard God’s love inside our self-built walls. We live privately and politely, but we’re very careful not to go down narrow alleys where we might connect deeply and honestly enough to risk pain.

Remember I’m defining loneliness as a continuum that steals from us the abundant and joyful life God wants for us. Are you anywhere on that continuum, missing out on all God desires for you” Possibly —

clinging to entitlement: what I want? the good life? just having fun?
are you so strong you’re trying to carry God’s load?
do you refuse to be inconvenienced?
do you insist on hiding your imperfections from others?
are you afraid of dirtying your hands in the messiness of life?
do you escape to substance or behavioral abuse (technology included)?
do you worship busyness: schedules, tasks, and accomplishments?

What’s your MO? We want to think that loneliness happens to us, but most often we are inflicting pain on ourselves. We stubbornly insist on doing things our way, which means isolating ourselves from intimacy with the Living Christ and real relationships with our neighbors. A dead end street.

My encouragement is that we all embrace what God offers — abundance and fullness of life. The Message says it this way “I came so they can have real and eternal life, more and better life than they ever dreamed of.” (John 10:10)

Just before that (John 10:7-9), Jesus says this, “ I am the Gate for the sheep. All those others are up to no good—sheep stealers, every one of them. But the sheep didn’t listen to them. I am the Gate. Anyone who goes through me will be cared for—will freely go in and out, and find pasture. A thief is only there to steal and kill and destroy.

1 Peter 5:8 adds, “Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.“

Lions, enemies and thieves alike go for the prey they find straying from the herd. It’s not much of a stretch to say the devil has a much easier path to you when you are isolated and lonely. AND the Bible states clearly there is value in the body of Christ being connected and interdependent.

Back in January I wrote Like a Little Child – part 1 with some ideas about ways we’re different as little children than when we grow up. Part 2 was never written — I got stuck, because I didn’t have good answers as to why I hold back. That post is related to this one, because children offer some of our very best examples of abundant life; they are vulnerable, fearless, relational, fully alive people. God says to be like them in order to enter His Kingdom. I think this is true for heaven and on earth.

In God’s timing — I’m back at the crossroads. Today’s post is the follow up. There are many ideas for how to live whole heartedly in part 1. In this series on loneliness, I hope you’re convinced as to WHY it is worth the effort to end our chronic loneliness. To connect every day — deeply and casually. To become wholehearted like a little child. To stay on the God prescribed path that leads to Life.

Expect a challenge to follow. If you’re an electronics addict. If anything around chronic loneliness resonates with you (even if you have a great life and lots of friends). Or if you just want to live less distracted and more whole hearted — I’d love you to join me in seeking to live on the path of Life.

Psalm 16:11 “You make known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.”

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My Smart Phone ADDICTION

September 11, 2014Busyness, Freedom, loneliness, personal growthlouise

I’m an addict…

My cumbersome first cell phone certainly started as a very innocent and casual helper. It made me feel more secure and in control to know I could be reached 24/7 when my kids were young. It did nothing but send and receive phone calls.

Besides possibly being too accessible to my children and their forgotten lunches and other moments of “need,” we were not negatively affected by the use of my phone. Usually it just rested conveniently in my purse, almost shocking me if it rang.

Fast forward through the innocuous years to when everything changed dramatically —

messed up number -- how intimate... — messed up number — how intimate…

One day I got a text (I didn’t know my phone even had “texting” abilities). I was single, and a whole new world opened to me, like little rays of sunshine on a rainy day. The text was from my first date in 20+ years, just saying, “hi, I was thinking of you.” I wasn’t all that interested in him, but It was still a very exciting intrusion! A slight adrenaline rush followed; Serotonin levels spiked, I’m sure.

Was that feel-good moment the beginning of an addiction? One of my kids immediately taught me to use the T9 predictive texting — because of course, it is good manners to respond to all greetings (old school manners in a new world?). Texting was so much fun!

I still didn’t understand why I would want a phone with tons of bells and whistles, but I had an upgrade available that miraculously wasn’t needed by a teen who had shattered their screen or dropped their phone in the toilet. I got a Blackberry — with a camera AND the INTERNET!

About that time I innocently joined Facebook and another world opened up. I was brand new to Atlanta, and remember thinking, “Facebook is so weird. Most people on here must be lonely without a lot going on… in real life. And what’s with the profiles? Don’t your friends already KNOW who you are?” But my description pretty well described me in those first months in a new city, so my cyberspace friend list grew, and I was hooked.

Then I got an iPhone – go ahead and liken that to a first hit of crack cocaine! I adapted the familiar head down and clicking posture way too often. There were so many options to beckon me…

And respond I did. Why is it some people seem to barely notice when their phones beep? While others – like me – feel compelled to respond immediately and scramble to check the screen, even when it’s not our tone? It’s not the smart phone that’s the problem. It’s me and my addiction to it. Am I alone in this?

Forgive my presumption, but I don’t think so. We’re passionate in choosing whether we are an apple or Droid user! (hmmm… user?). Phones are EVERYWHERE! No longer nestled in purses, I’d say the average person has it in their hand, at the ready position, more often than not.

An aside: I just heard my phone vibrating in the kitchen. I am not expecting anything. Without thinking I immediately got up from my computer, because surely whatever whim of information coming through the cell lines was more important than all else I have chosen to do this morning. That is OUT OF CONTROL — See title of blog.

Enough! Smart Smart phones can be powerfully addicting, and mine has me! How do I know? Check out my list of symptoms (wording adapted from an article describing symptoms of substance addiction):

I cannot stop using it without withdrawal anxiety — despite recognizing detrimental effects to my health and well being.
I have made social and recreational sacrifices for my habit.
I am sure to always have my phone with me.
I take risks — I am 100% against texting and driving (even with Siri), yet sometimes, I still don’t pull over to text (today, I stop), and I talk on the phone while driving a lot. I believe both make me a less safe driver and endanger others.
I am obsessed with what my phone delivers, and with getting a steady supply. I’m embarrassed to say, I check it at red lights sometimes, simply out of momentary boredom (I had never experienced boredom at red lights before smartphones).
I often use my phone in secrecy and solitude, because, again, I’m embarrassed at my excess. Even I don’t get me, so I try not to be obviously rude in my use of it.
Subjectively, it seems screen time has taken away time spent in my hobbies and activities (or my phone is with me and distracting me while I do them).
While it isn’t causing financial difficulties, our family of seven could take an annual vacation on the amount we spend all together on this new contraption we all must use.
Relationship problems could emerge – because it probably seems to others at times that my virtual world offers more to me than they do.

I think there’s been a vicious cycle that has contributed to my addiction. My ‘use’ blossomed in my early single years — a time of loneliness and change. I used my phone (and often facebook and the internet) to feel connected. And to look and feel busy, when I was awkwardly disengaged with those around me.

I made many new friends and my life began to fill up with opportunities and activities to end my loneliness. In response, I didn’t limit my use of all things with a screen (I began carting around my own laptop and eventually an iPad during this same period) — it increased with each convenient technological advancement.

As Erin Davis put it in her book Connection “technology has blunted my appetite for human connection. The pixels had become more alluring than the real thing. The illusion seemed more inviting than the reality. I felt like an addict whose drug of choice became a little box of glass and metal” (page 39-40). She speaks in the past tense — recovered. I want to be there, because my smart phone just leaves me addicted — never satisfied.

I know I have a smart phone addiction — possibly a cyber communication addiction? A weird loneliness lurks alongside it in the shadows. Technology has helped fuel my old loneliness just as surely as it once offered it a false cure.

I’m not going to throw out all my iStuff. Technology is here to stay (the irony is we own an IT business). Life without a screen is just not an option for most of us. How I relate to it is… I’ll be exploring my habits and addiction and the loneliness it may contribute to moving forward in my blog.

Do you see any symptoms of screen addiction or a resulting related disconnect with people in your own life? If so, I welcome your comments and thoughts. And a hint as to what’s to come — a short, experimental period of unplugging might benefit a lot of us. 🙂