Category Archives: Freedom

A Brief Quiz: Are you a Compassionate Christian?

November 2, 2014Freedom, heart of prayer, personal growth, Purposelouise

The Quiz

Would you describe caretaking as a way of life? Your calling?
Are you a people pleaser? Loved by everyone?
Are you always loyal, lending a hand to friends and family whenever they’re in need?
Are you great at anticipating the needs of others? But often have trouble being decisive in your own life and taking care of yourself?
Do you struggle to accept change?
Do you feel guilty a lot?
Have you ever been unfairly called judgmental or manipulative, just for helping?
Do you feel at your best and most useful when you are helping others?

A few affirmative answers are not enough to draw any conclusions. A majority of “Yeses” might warrant the questions, is it possible I’m missing the mark when I’m honestly trying to be a loving, caring, compassionate Christian? Am I codependent?

A mentor wisely suggested I write my first seminary paper on codependency, and what the Bible has to say about it. Let’s just say he didn’t suggest it because he thought I knew all I needed to on the subject —

I’ve done a few other studies (including Escape from Codependent Christianity by Dr. James Richards which inspired much of this blog). It’s fascinating how commonly we — especially women — are taught from childhood that codependent behaviors are synonymous with love, motherhood, femininity, compassion, generosity and a good Christian life.

I still struggle not to fall into old patterns — avoiding conflict, people pleasing, and needing to be liked by everyone to name a few. However, He has transformed me, and codependence is not my usual way of life. Years of trying to accomplish what wasn’t mine to do (things I thought were loving and giving) wore me out.

Several friends are new to the ideas of codependence and the importance of motivations in our lives. Their questions and the recognition of my own recent slip ups have prompted me to write this conversation starter.

I’m a sojourner, not an expert. The purpose of this blog is simply to provoke thought – not to academically, psychologically, or theologically “cover” the topic of codependence. To help us recognize caretaking flesh vs. Christ-centered compassion. To suggest we take responsibility for ourselves, and give responsibility back to others. To fully accept our God-given identity and the TRUTH that He sufficiently provides all we need.

Codependent is the term used for relationships in which people (often without realizing it) use one another to get their own emotional needs met in a selfish and destructive manner. We depend on someone for something that we have no right to expect from him/ her. It often looks and feels like we are loving, caring, being helpful, giving, teaching… but underneath, it is not good.

We ALL seek love, acceptance, worth, and security from somewhere. When anyone or anything other than Christ is our primary source, we err toward dysfunction.

Proverbs 29:25 warns, “The fear of human opinion disables; trusting in God protects you from that.” When you get your emotional well-being and identity from the actions and opinions of another, God takes second place to that person — in the Bible it’s called idolatry.

Maybe a fictitious story will help explain. A woman is married to an alcoholic. She supports him on his road to recovery and rejoices in his eventual sobriety. Shortly thereafter, she plunges into depression (She is lost without a project, purpose, and someone to control and care for — her identity is threatened). She needs to be needed. Possibly, her emotional crash sparked her husband to drink again (he feels comfortable in his role as dependent and controlled — irresponsible). Almost immediately after he hits the bottle her depression lifts, and she springs to action as caregiver and supporter, feeling responsible for keeping him in line. The couple thinks they have troubles like anyone, but their life normal.

Codependent people are often attracted to each another and keep each other trapped in dysfunction — each saying, being, and giving what the other needs to hear and receive in order to feel okay despite the chaos and destruction their choices create. When one person becomes more healthy — it usually disrupts the relationship.

Compare the following sketches of two types of people when they’re deeply involved in the lives of others —

Codependent, Dysfunctional people:

I feel tired, anxious, fearful and liable – and try to fix, protect, rescue, control, carry their feelings, and don’t listen well — My focus is the solution, answers, circumstances, being right, details and performance. I expect the person to live up to my expectations.

Emotionally healthy people:

I feel relaxed, free, aware, and a high sense of self-worth – and therefore I show empathy, encourage, share, confront, am sensitive, listen – as I am concerned with relating person-to-person, feelings, and the individual. I expect the person to be responsible for himself. I can trust and let go.

Which scenario rings more true for your relationships? I think many of us relate to some elements of the first picture, when caring and loving others. We feel tension and frustration in a relationship, but aren’t sure why or what to do about it.

At first glance, the Bible can seem confusing. Galatians 6:2 instructs us to “bear one another’s burdens.” Two verses later there’s a seeming contradiction — “each must bear his own burden.” These verses actually give clarity to us in understanding our roles in the lives of others.

The words in verses 2 and 4 are different in the original Greek. Verse 2 commands us to come alongside others to share in the extraordinary and temporary burdens they may encounter. People need our intense support for a short while in the unique storms of life.

But in verses 4-5 the inference is collective, referring to the whole of everyday life — the normal emotional, financial, and behavioral responsibilities that come with adult living. We are not to enable people in these areas by taking responsibility for them and care taking in an unhealthy way. Each person should have space to examine his own character and behavior according to the Word of God — and to respond as God directs through the Holy Spirit.

If we are too involved doing good and feeling responsible for others, our loved ones may never experience the consequences of their own character and mistakes. And they may not have the space to seek and hear the convicting voice of the Holy Spirit.

However, Jesus definitely left us with instructions to love one another: “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.” (John 13:34) Jesus’ entire life modeled compassion for and sensitivity to other’s needs. When our behaviors are self-denying and caring, we honor Jesus – but codependency does not. What’s the difference?

The compassion urged in the Bible is not characterized by manipulation, control, emotional dependency on others, or a need for approval — the motivation for serving is pure. The healthy Christian finds his identity in the love, acceptance, forgiveness and redemption of Jesus – as opposed to finding identity in compulsive caregiving and approval. She is compelled to compassion simply by Jesus’ love.

If we think we may have codependent tendencies, what what can we do? Start by prayerfully giving up ALL your “rights.” If you don’t believe that Jesus is truly all you need, this idea seems wrong. Prayerfully ask God what He wants you to surrender to Him.

What trusting Jesus as my Life means is that moment-by-moment, I am free to choose to…

Give up the right to be: Accepted, avoid conflict, understood, in control, perfect, used by Jesus, successful, competent, strong, unforgiving, loved, smart, treated fairly, rescued, listened to, encouraged, noticed, respected, trusted, married, comfortable, honored, healthy, financially secure, right… (add your own, the idea is we have no entitlements)

Replace them with a willingness to be/ feel: Rejected, confront, misunderstood, out of control, make mistakes, fail, inadequate, weak, forgive, unloved, dumb, mistreated, abandoned, ignored, criticized, invisible, viewed as insignificant, viewed with suspicion, single, in pain, embarrassed, sick, bankrupt, wrong… (expect troubles and persecution as part of following Jesus)

But know Jesus is faithful to be my: life, husband, comforter, adequacy, peace, reputation, strength, support, protector, Savior, defender, wisdom, fullness… (ruthless trust and belief in Jesus as my all-in-all, my sufficiency)

What will this look like practically in relationships? THROUGH CHRIST we can live life live abundantly as Jesus promises; fully alive in

boldness and confidence,
sharing with others,
loving the unlovable,
service,
witnessing,
taking chances,
being assertive,
accepting myself and others,
being flexible and relaxed…

I like to picture the love of Christ flowing to me, through me, to others; I am simply a conduit to be used by HIm. If I make myself available to Him, the results are all up to Him! What a relief! The pressure is off, and I’m free to focus on HIM!

We can replace the patterns of our flesh and the culture of the world by emulating the love and compassion of Christ . He will change us and show us His way, when we surrender our rights to His will.

“Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is–his good, pleasing and perfect will.” (Romans 12:2)

If you would like to receive future posts by email, comment below and check the appropriate boxes. You can unsubscribe at any time.

*** This is one of those posts I sheepishly published… but understanding codependence and how naturally and unknowingly I was helping, serving and loving others in a codependent fashion was so freeing! It was a HUGE growth experience for me (and a room full of wonderful women who studied with me). My prayer is if you think you might feel tired and lifeless in some of your relationships due to well-intentioned codependence, that you will do some research yourself. Pray and ask God to transform you. Blessings!

God, You want me to do WHAT?

October 23, 2014divorce, Freedom, joy, personal growth, Purposelouise

What is God currently asking you to do that makes NO SENSE given your situation? Are you fully engaged and with Him in it? Or did you tell Him, “I can’t?” Are you thinking Unattainable! Inconceivable! Insurmountable! Hopeless! Or are you fearful, hedging and saying something like, “I will as soon as ____ happens?”

May I suggest, if you don’t hear God calling you to something WAY beyond your comfort zone and your ability to make it happen, then maybe you need a little more time being still, to listen to Him and read the Bible? He wants to use you in impossibly important ways. Your family and those you encounter day to day are entrusted to you. Only God knows how He will choose to use you.

The stories of Moses, Noah and Gideon are great examples that suggest God wants us living beyond what we can do using our own resources. He wants us living toward that which is impossible without His divine power. It’s a zone of trust when we’re afraid, impossible odds and incredible feats. Many times the way is uncomfortable and difficult. It requires vulnerability, humility and an admission of incompetence, so that it’s obvious that He orchestrates any good that is accomplished.

It’s also a place of great joy and growth. A place to remember He defines who we are.

Writing this blog is one such area for me. God hasn’t let up; I feel He wants me to continue writing about what He’s doing in me, despite my discomfort in sharing. It’s always scary clicking “publish.” I would prefer to live a “facebook life” where my smiling highlights reel is on display, and my backstage struggles and deficits are off the grid. Instead, God called me to vulnerability, authenticity, and the risk of writing publicized “duds.”

My technological challenges are also highlighted. Pink Reflections represents all the web building skills I possess. My blogging “success” so far is measurable primarily in my obedience. I thought maybe I should help it along… I spent the morning reading the posts of a few big time bloggers — humble people with well-known names — trying to garner tips.

What I learned from my blog stalking is how very different I am from many well-known writers. They are eloquent, often educated in theology, and seemingly far along in a life of faith. They can take even the mundane details of their days, see God — and through them teach us to be more like Him. They are inspired, prolific writers, preaching, teaching and leading conferences. They love Jesus, and He uses them to produce impressive and helpful stuff.

While I’m happy for them, I’m also a little bit jealous of their giftedness and their blessings. Many times their words touch me beyond measure. Othertimes, it seems they live so far outside my experiences, that I struggle to relate and apply their thoughts to my “real life.” Or — I finish reading their posts with more regrets than encouragement.

How ordinary I am — in my living and my writing. For a familiar moment I was doubtful and discouraged, “Does God really want me doing this?” Then it occurred to me, that possibly the typical messiness of my world is just what God wants to use. Maybe, He wants to reach someone who relates to my struggles, imperfection and mistakes, and also sincerely loves God and desires Him to transform them. Or maybe it’s all about Him molding me? He gets to define success in all His plans and purposes. My role is to say yes in faith to His call, then to work diligently with the confidence that God will do what He sets out to do.

I wish I had “gotten it” and begun my journey of surrender at an earlier age. I also wish I had the vast knowledge-base my seminary professors possess. The truth is that God didn’t create me to be like any of them — or the singers, doctors, farmers, accountants, lawyers, builders, mechanics, engineers and countless others who do great things that simply aren’t in my tool box.

Even worse, I can no longer retain and retrieve all I once knew! It’s as if I have a mental library with bulging and overflowing file cabinets that make up my brain. Only a small amount of what I once knew fits in the file marked “immediately retrievable.” I imagine other cabinets marked with labels such as requires a prompt, only accessible at 3 am, must retrieve hard copy, image only, and lost till heaven.

Today’s world keeps the information overload coming — like drinking from a fire hydrant. I’m constantly needing to make more space. These extensive files seem useless at times — like everything’s on microfish in an electronic world.

So what else do I have to offer in my weakness? My God-given, common gifts are the things people point out to me that take me by surprise. Because they are so much a part of me, I don’t recognize them as unique. My spiritual gifts are the things God gave me as His child — specifically for the purpose of edifying the body of Christ. You have gifts too. Our gifts and our faith are all we need — in addition to Jesus — to succeed in the impossible things God created us for and calls us to.

God had a plan for us from the beginning. Psalm 139:13-14 says “For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.” God knew us before we were conceived – and He loved us. He also has had a plan for our lives since the beginning: “we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” (Ephesians 2:10)

More great news… we can start fresh each day, no matter what mistakes and regrets our past holds. In Isaiah 43:18-19 God says ““Forget about what’s happened; don’t keep going over old history. Be alert, be present. I’m about to do something brand-new. It’s bursting out! Don’t you see it? There it is! I’m making a road through the desert, rivers in the badlands.”

God knew us better than we know ourselves — and He loved us just the same. He uses everything to make each of us a unique “me” and to achieve the purposes He has for our lives. That takes so much pressure off! It’s all up to Him. We just add faith and obedience when He calls us.

God asked you to do WHAT??? You CAN do it with HIM! “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” (Phil 4:13) I would love to hear from you! What is God calling you to do? Please share His faithfulness in your life to encourage the rest of us.

If you would like to receive future posts by email, comment below and check the appropriate boxes. You can unsubscribe at any time.

Sex and Singleness

September 29, 2014divorce, Freedom, heart of prayer, joy, personal growthlouise

Sex and Singleness: several have suggested I write about it. I’m happy to talk to all who ask, but putting my thoughts out there where anyone can read them? I’ve resisted. Recently, in discussing an altogether different topic, the subject of premarital sex was mentioned… I felt God nudging me out of my comfort zone.

Prayerfully and very humbly I’m sharing some of how God led me during my single years after divorce. Hopefully, there’s something here for everyone: for friends and parents, for singles of all ages, and for married folks who feel they messed up something important. God loves you and has your best interests at heart — in sexuality and all things.

First, what does God say in His Word? It’s always good to be clear on what the Bible says and know that you believe it. I like The Message for these verses — it takes away formality, which we use to see ambiguity, which allows us to rationalize… There are many more verses, but let’s consider these two.

Hebrews 13:4 “Honor marriage, and guard the sacredness of sexual intimacy between wife and husband. God draws a firm line against casual and illicit sex.”

1 Corinthians 6:18-20 “There’s more to sex than mere skin on skin. Sex is as much spiritual mystery as physical fact. As written in Scripture, ‘The two become one.’ Since we want to become spiritually one with the Master, we must not pursue the kind of sex that avoids commitment and intimacy, leaving us more lonely than ever—the kind of sex that can never ‘become one.’ There is a sense in which sexual sins are different from all others. In sexual sin we violate the sacredness of our own bodies, these bodies that were made for God-given and God-modeled love, for ‘becoming one’ with another. Or didn’t you realize that your body is a sacred place, the place of the Holy Spirit? Don’t you see that you can’t live however you please, squandering what God paid such a high price for? The physical part of you is not some piece of property belonging to the spiritual part of you. God owns the whole works. So let people see God in and through your body.”

So exactly what God has to say about it, isn’t the debate. I don’t see much wiggle room. God makes it clear how we can live to please Him concerning sex. Is He limiting us? Or protecting us? 100% — God’s guidelines around sex (and anything else He asks of us) are NOT simply a limitation, even though He draws a firm line against premarital sex. He wants our lives to be abundant and full — in ALL seasons and situations.

God is offering us guardrails. This summer, Rob and I rode in a car along the Amalfi Coast. The “shoulder” was not a foot wide before plummeting to the sea, the driver spoke no English, and the two-way traffic was chaotic — buses, vans, bikes, and cars, all disregarding the marked lanes and moving forward in any way possible.

The guardrails were our only hope of arriving alive! Everyone respected and trusted the wisdom of the guardrails — and the scars and scrapes along the sides of most vehicles proved their worth. Not even the pedestrians risked climbing over the rails to walk on the unprotected edge… No one felt their experience was less exciting, less productive, or limited in any way by moving within the rails. Like us, they felt protected.

I don’t need to spell out the application of the guard rail metaphor to pre-marital sex. It’s equally applicable to loving your enemies, forgiving offenders, prayer without ceasing, tithing and many other direct commands of God. Will we trust Him in all things? Or will we decide for ourselves what is right, and live however we please?

A trusting, God-driven motivation is ultimately of utmost importance regarding premarital sex and many other choices. As parents, no matter what our history, we know casual sex isn’t a good thing. We teach our kids to abstain using the Bible, fear of pregnancy, and anything else that might “work.” This is not necessarily bad, but any behavior modification done for another human being is somewhat shallow and difficult to sustain. Each of us needs to eventually make our decisions based on God’s will for us. We need to leave space for God to wrestle with loved ones where they are. Do we believe our prayers are our most precious and worthy efforts on other’s behalf — no matter where they are struggling?

It’s all about relationship — between an individual and God. It’s about loving God, trusting Him, and surrendering our desires to His will. He can use anything for our good — even our mistakes. He wants our hearts. 2 John 1:6 says “And this is love: that we walk in obedience to his commands.”

Do you trust Him and His ways? Can you see how faithful and good to you He has been? Do you believe He really has “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” (Jeremiah 29:11) We want to obey because we love God, and our relationship with Him comes before all else. Not even in marriage should our love for God be in competition with our love for our spouse. It’s simple: love God first and foremost, and all the wonderful second things of life fall into place. Put second things first (ahead of God), and end up with nothing working quite right.

The earthly benefits of waiting until marriage to have sex are way longer-lived and more satisfying than any momentary pleasure gained from illicit sex. At a minimum, trust and respect between marriage partners will be profoundly enhanced. What joy and security there is in knowing your spouse’s love for the Lord is more important than anything else — and worth sacrificing for. It’s the foundation God says works best for marriage.

How to do it? The familiar verse is 1 Corinthians 10:13. “No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; he’ll never let you be pushed past your limit; he’ll always be there to help you come through it.” Pray and trust — and add a little common sense to it!

Don’t ask others to read your mind — tell them what you’re thinking. When dating, your commitment to wait until marriage should be discussed on the front end. If the other person doesn’t get it, you have saved yourself the heart ache of falling in love with the wrong one! You are looking for a maturity of faith and a commitment to God in your partner, or I’m guessing you wouldn’t have read this far. Don’t compromise God’s perfect plan for you.

If the person you are dating has no personal commitment to purity, but will honor your wishes, that could become an issue in more ways than one. You want God to be their #1 if you are even considering an intimate relationship. Also when one person is weak, the other is strong. Personal prayers, and conversations about why you are waiting need to always be at the forefront of the relationship. Be clear, even with yourself, that God is Lord and the undisputed #1 love of your life!

A warning about prayer. I know it sounds strange… but in my experience, praying with someone of the opposite sex can equal or even surpass the intimacy of sex — and the premature closeness can cause relational vulnerability. Don’t rush into praying together. Do pray without ceasing through every date — reminding yourself that your loving, good Father is with you — protecting you and showing you His path that leads to Life!

And what about those, married or single, who have already “messed up” on on this one — those who were unable to resist? A majority of people from their early adolescence have to deal one way or another with their God-given sexual appetite. 1 John 1:9 says “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” Psalm 103:12 gives further assurance, “He has removed our sins as far as the east is from the west.”

There may still be consequences, but if you seek forgiveness and repent (turn toward God and His ways), anyone can begin anew. Our God is a God of grace and great redemption!

I love the imagery below: life God’s way is “a living, spirited dance.” Pleasing and trusting God in all of life isn’t drudgery or a wet blanket — it’s our JOY! It’s not up to us to figure it out or even to make it happen. We just need to be sure we’re spending time with Him daily, and inviting Him to work in us as we surrender our will to His and love Him most of all.

1 Thessalonians 4: 3-5 “One final word, friends. We ask you—urge is more like it—that you keep on doing what we told you to do to please God, not in a dogged religious plod, but in a living, spirited dance. You know the guidelines we laid out for you from the Master Jesus. God wants you to live a pure life. Keep yourselves from sexual promiscuity. Learn to appreciate and give dignity to your body, not abusing it, as is so common among those who know nothing of God.”

If you would like to receive future posts by email, please let me know in a comment below, and check the appropriate boxes. Thanks!