Category Archives: sandwich generation

I want the abundant life God promised

May 6, 2014Freedom, gratitude, heart of prayer, personal growth, Purpose, sandwich generationlouise

This one’s for all the baby boomers… Or anyone who can imagine a day will come when you are 50. Or better yet, those from the greatest generation who can offer perspective from experience. Is your life what you thought it would be?

For the most part, we’ve raised our children — giving them every opportunity we could, so that they could succeed and follow their dreams. It was so worth it, watching them grow and enjoy life. Now it’s our turn! We’re making plans to travel, wondering about retiring, doing some things we never had time for… Life is good, really good. But there’s a nagging thought… is this all there is? Am I missing something?

We’ve always prayed for our family. But some things aren’t quite as we thought they would be. Everyone is so busy and absorbed in their own lives. There are wonderful, exciting new relationships, new jobs, weddings and new babies. We want to be supportive, and we’re truly happy for our children — but we miss the closeness of every day life together. We worry sometimes, but can no longer fix things with magic kisses and bear hugs.

Then there’s work. Baby boomers are at the prime of careers they worked hard to achieve. Some are happy and fulfilled. Others are not. We’re questioning who and what should receive our time and attention. Yet, it’s hard to feel we have the freedom of choice. How much is enough in an uncertain world? Our adult children and aging parents created our new identity as the sandwich generation. We are pressed from all sides and often spiritually parched. We carry on in what is familiar and safe, but we aren’t always sure toward what? Similarly, stay-at-home moms become stay-at-home people, wondering at their value, when homemaker is almost a politically incorrect term.

There’s another unique category bravely beginning new careers. Whether we are re-entering the workplace after a long absence or we recently lost a job, the learning curve is steep. With waning energy we are waking early each morning to a fast-paced world. Ever-changing technology is hard to keep up with. We are LinkedIn on smart phones, leaving status updates on facebook, tweeting, tumbling and emailing. We’re not sure if what we do understand of technology and social media is good or bad — we recommit to handwritten notes and face to face friends, but struggle to find the time.

In this season of life, I also see many people finding joy in donating their time and resources to those in need. But even giving can be overwhelming. I feel a need to make a difference in an area where I feel passion. The news and the needs break my heart, and can be more than I can take in. There is so much pain and urgency, that sometimes, I just want to stick my head in the sand. I need focus and direction in this new stage, but often lack the energy to find it.

It feels like life, while good, is more stressful than ever before. I think it’s because the primary focus of my energy for each day or week is not predictable, but constantly shifting. It also feels like I’m just not living quite the way I should — at a deeper spiritual level.

God is challenging me constantly with Romans 12:2. “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is — his good, pleasing and perfect will.” That’s what I’m looking for! I want the second half of my life to really matter. To live my life God’s way in this season, I think I have to become more dependent, surrendered and open to His leading than ever before.

John 10:10 says “I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” Some translations call it the abundant life. I want that too! And God wants both these verses to be true for my life. I met someone living in unexpected abundance recently.

Not long ago, a brickmason arrived at our house on a Harley Davidson. He was wearing shorts, a T-shirt and a black leather vest held together by 3 silver chains. In addition to a giant cross, he displayed patches with slogans such as “bikers for Jesus” and “God loves you and I’m trying to.”

About 10 minutes into our describing what work we needed, he apologized for being spacey. He explained that he had heard just hours before that his daughter was dead. In brief, he had lived with the girl’s mother for 11 year’s and married her two years ago. His step-daughter, I’ll call her Joan, was 21 and had two daughter’s of her own, who had recently been removed from her custody. They weren’t sure if Joan had died of an accidental overdose or if it was suicide. She had struggled with depression, addictions and bad choices for years.

We gave our shocked condolences, and suggested he go home; we could talk about the wall later. He declined, saying he needed work now more than ever. He drifted to another place. With teary, distant eyes he shook his head and stated, “God is so good to me.”

He talked for 45 minutes. The night before she died, Joan had been waiting at his house to be picked up by a friend who never showed. She had a beautiful voice, and despite her deep depression, she had sung hymns as she waited. The brickmason had assured her she was blessed even now. All she needed to do when the darkness enfolded her was to look to Jesus. Somewhere in the retelling, he looked up and said again, “I don’t know why God is so good to me.” He told of dropping his totally sober daughter off where she was living, and going home in peace. Soon after her death the next morning, God gave him a vision of Joan as a little pig-tailed girl, in heaven. He said, “God is so good.” Of course, I know it’s true. But I doubt that’s where my heart would have been at that moment.

“Reality” check: 6 hours ago Joan had died. His wife was 2 hours away in the hospital with the two-year old child, who had a serious disease requiring a tube in her little body. The brickmason lived paycheck to paycheck. Just before the grandmother and toddler learned of her death, they were looking at pictures of Joan on facebook. Suddenly, the little girl looked up, pointed across the room and said, “I just saw Mommy!”

The brickmason believes that on her way to heaven, Joan was allowed one more glimpse of her daughter. He was counting God’s gifts and blessings in the midst of death and pain. He went on to say that the 5 year old would “pitch a fit” if they tried to leave church after one service — insisting on staying for both each Sunday. She knew the Lord already, and for that he was grateful.

He snapped out of it, and apologized again for drifting off. The brick mason insisted we return to discussing our driveway and wall. The shift was difficult for us, but seemed oddly natural to him. Could it be the brickmason’s perspective, seeped in gratitude and trust, is more real than the tragedy of his circumstances?

In my next post I’ll explore what God wants me to learn from the brickmason’s story. It seemed he believed in God’s goodness and felt gratitude even on the worst of days. I think he can help me understand more about the “secret” to living well in the coming years and experiencing the abundant life Jesus spoke of in John 10:10.

Why do I forget?

April 30, 2014Busyness, heart of prayer, personal growth, sandwich generationlouise

To worry is one antithesis of trusting God. Another is independence: self reliance, self-confidence, and all the other “self” centered words. I know that. Prayer is always a good answer to everything, and it’s usually closely followed by renewed trust in and obedience to a powerful, good and loving God. So why do I so quickly forget what I intellectually know to be true?

Whether I’m concerned for one of my adult children, my parents, a friend, or anything else, sometimes my emotional state is about like my Jack Russell, Bandit in a Thunderstorm IMG_3414 (click on the link for a real time video taken as I’m writing this blog), rather than God’s peace.

A few nights back, I had an uneasy feeling that caused me to uncharacteristically recharge my dying phone and remain fully dressed after dinner. Often when I have these gut feelings, nothing happens; this time it was justified. I got the late-night phone call that all fried pastrami slices dread… a family member needed to go to the ER (all is well now).

I rushed out the door and started the drive to get to them. I remained calm and drove at a reasonable speed (we didn’t need another accident). I left a note for Rob and called another family member to alert them as to what was happening. I was in control.

Finally, 2/3 of the way there (a 40 minute drive), it hit me. I hadn’t even thought of prayer or even Jesus. It wasn’t rebellion, but rather forgetfulness. In the heat of the moment, my well-worn tendency to act in my own strength jut took over.

I began to pray as I drove. My next thought was one of self condemnation. Why am I so slow to truly live from what I believe in my mind? Why is the path from my head to my heart so damn difficult for God’s Truth to travel in a way that sticks and becomes my new norm? Yep, profanity slips through at times too. My heart (what I truly believe, not just understand intellectually) has historically been way behind my head as far as knowledge of who God is, what He’s done for me, and all His promises. I desperately want the two to be congruent.

I know better than so much of the way I live my life. It makes me sad, and frustrated with myself. I live from my heart… where the authentic me comes out. In reading my last blog, and looking at my life for the last 12 days, I would have to say, “Live as I say/ write, not as I do.” I know what it means to trust God, to hold Him as the number one priority of my life. At times, I have lived it. But I am struggling in my current set of circumstances. My prayer life is still being squeezed out — I’m giving God a scant glance and a quick acknowledgement, not the devotion and adoration He deserves. I’m making life too much about me and my circumstances, and not enough about Him. I’m too busy, even with worthy things.

This mid-life, sandwich generation thing is proving to be harder than I ever knew it would be. In my stress and fatigue I am neglecting and forgetting God. Lord, I don’t want to be anything like the Pharisees! I want less of me and more of You!

Matthew 24:2-3 says “The Pharisees and the teachers of the Law are experts in the Law of Moses. So obey everything they teach you, but don’t do as they do. After all, they say one thing and do something else.”

And even worse, Matthew 7: 21-23 has always been a sobering verse to me. “Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. Many will say to me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name and in your name drive out demons and in your name perform many miracles?’Then I will tell them plainly, ‘I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!’

But Lord, you have saved me, and it is you who has changed my heart and given me a new life! Still I live in this flesh. Why do I forget? Why do I continue to sin, when I desperately want to live in You?

Dr. Ray Pritchard has this to say, “Struggle with sin is the common experience of Christians everywhere. James 3:2 says, “We all stumble in many ways.” Romans 7:23 speaks of a “war” going on inside the believer, and Romans 8:13 commands us to “put to death” the deeds of the flesh. Galatians 5:17 tells us that the flesh and the Spirit are continually at war with each other. Christians traditionally have spoken of three great enemies they face: the world, the flesh and the devil. The world is “out there” and all around us. The “flesh” is inside and loves to answer the call of the world. And it seems like the devil is everywhere, like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour (I Peter 5:8).

No wonder the Bible says that “through many tribulations we must enter the kingdom of God” (Acts 14:22). And that’s why Paul told Timothy to “share in suffering as a good soldier of Christ Jesus” (2 Timothy 2:3). ” http://www.crosswalk.com

I’m reminded of a hymn I can’t sing without tears flowing: Amazing Grace.

“Through many dangers, toils and snares,
I have already come.
’Tis grace has brought me safe thus far,
And grace will lead me home.”

My struggle with sin will continue — with ebbs and flows, good times and worse ones — until I die. So will yours. It’s a painful struggle, but take heart! The angst and the pain are some of the best indicators that we are truly God’s children — adopted and loved. If I cease to worry about my sin, if I don’t recognize my independence and give control back to God, if I stop feeling righteous guilt, which leads to asking for His forgiveness and my repentance — then I will need to really worry.

Dear God, thank You for Your assurance that You will continue to discipline and transform me, as I daily surrender — because You love me. As Paul says in Phillippians 1:6 (MSG) “There has never been the slightest doubt in my mind that the God who started this great work in you would keep at it and bring it to a flourishing finish on the very day Christ Jesus appears.”

Matthew 7:24-27 continues “Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash.”

You are my foundation, Lord. I will trust Your work in me and Your timing. I believe You! I trust You! Help my unbelief and my lack of trust. Fill me with Gratitude to YOU. Help me give you my first fruits of time and attention. Teach me to always be dependent on You and You alone.

I just noticed, even Bandit is sleeping at my feet — for now. Thank you Jesus, for your Peace! Amen.

Midlife – the sandwich generation

April 18, 2014Busyness, gratitude, heart of prayer, personal growth, sandwich generation, Uncategorizedlouise

The term “Sandwich Generation” was officially added to Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary back in 2006. The Sandwich generation is a generation of people who care for their aging parents while supporting (financially and/ or emotionally) their own children. It’s me and possibly you?

There are many ways to build the sandwich…

Traditional: those sandwiched between aging parents who need care and/or help and their own children.
Club Sandwich: those in their 50s or 60s sandwiched between aging parents, adult children and possibly grandchildren, or those in their 30s and 40s, with young children, aging parents and grandparents.
Open Faced: anyone else involved in elder care.

And the definition doesn’t mentioned the fact that for women, aging parents and young adult children all hit just about the same time as menopause. Talk about a fried, HOT mess!

As “children” in our midlife season, it’s a joy and privilege for us to help our aging parents in any way we can. God thought it so important that honor your parents was the first commandment with a promise attached to it. “Exodus 20:12 says, “Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you.” It’s not hard to understand why, especially after you have children of your own. I know I am forever indebted to my wonderful mom and dad for all their sacrifices, love, and gifts for me. I would do anything in my power to make this stage of their lives better and more joyful for them. The problem is the “answers” to the big issues of the golden years aren’t always entirely obvious — and often the days don’t end up feeling so golden to our parents. We feel powerless to give back to the ones we owe the most, and this hurts us.

And then there’s our children — at any age, they are our very hearts, beating outside our bodies. There is nothing within our power we wouldn’t do for their good. We never thought it possible to love them more than when their chubby faces peeked out of smocked dresses and cute little overalls. But we do. We love who they have become and all the potential we see for them. We pray for them as they launch independent lives. But it’s a tough world out there, and like us, they have to learn a lot in the school of hard knocks. It’s so hard to watch your child struggle — at any age. We feel powerless to protect them anymore, and it hurts us.

Currently all 5 of our children are in a great place; I am so thankful. But I have also been around long enough to know how life works. We’re almost always heading out of a tough time or enjoying the good times before our next challenge. John 16:33 says it well, “I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.”

It all adds up to this: being at the center of this complicated and tremendous sandwich is often one of the most difficult stages of our own lives. Our good hearts and willing hands can be rendered helpless against the perils of the “aging process,” whether we’re talking about men and women developing independence through the teens and 20s or the aging process of the 70s, 80s, 90s and sometimes beyond.

Do you ever feel like the middle slice of meat — definitely fried to a crisp — expected to hold together a whole tremendous Dagwood Sandwich? I know I do.

Sometimes from the center of my family sandwich, I feel incredibly overwhelmed and consumed. It seems I can’t really name the really “big” stressors in my life, but I am drowning in them collectively. My mind is cluttered. I have little time to take care of myself. I’m scattered, trying to manage my thoughts, feelings, and plans for myself and my family. I just can’t seem to do all that I feel I should accomplish for others or in my own life.

We eat out more, because I’m not managing the house or meals all that well. Exercise gets squeezed out, and the added pounds from both add stress. I miss events in my friend’s lives, and cringe when I hear myself apologize saying, “It’s been such a busy week.” Rob and I plan short little getaways to escape and hang on tight to our marriage as a priority.

Time passes and I realize with our travel and busy schedules, I’ve been to church once this month and woefully neglected my quiet times. I’m sporadic in both reading the Bible and prayer — both of which I know can be the very joy and fabric of my soul. My mind — filled with my own life plus the duties of being the all-important center in the family sandwich — is rarely still or quiet enough to listen for the Shepherd’s voice. I am conforming to the world and believing only in the circumstances around me, and what I must do to help those I love.

Webster’s definition of an idol is “the excessive devotion to, or reverence for some person or thing.” In today’s language an idol is anything that replaces the one, true God. Looks like my well-meaning daughter and mother roles have developed into an idolatry problem. Another commandment in Exodus 20:3 says, “You shall have no other gods before me.”

Anything that consistently takes me away from my relationship with God is idolatry. I will be able to keep BOTH commandments I’ve mentioned, when I’m putting first things (God) first. Matthew 6:33 says “Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.”

I take a deep breath… exhale. I must guard and protect my intimate times with God above all else. Period. This is the best thing I can do for myself, my parents, my children, my marriage, my work, my life. Trust God and His plan. He has never failed me or led me astray. I have never been sorry I did things His way, even when the world didn’t understand.

One more thing comes to mind — what am I seeking in all my concern and efforts for my parents and children? What caused me to drift away from God? In a nutshell, don’t we want control of our lives? I used to be able to tend the little red wagon holding all my children without major disturbances. My parents were thriving and still available to advise me. I was “in control,” and had resources — but what about now? Everything seems out of MY control — even that which is going well! (Is this realization possibly called wisdom?)

There’s nothing wrong with doing all I can to give comfort and help to my family — and others for that matter. This falls under the Greatest commandment. We help in many practical ways, both our parents and adult children. Decisions must be made and actions taken — and at times, we are the ones called upon to make them. But motivations are always worth checking. Do I feel it is all up to me? Am I trusting that God loves all my family more than I ever dreamed of? Am I remembering that this life on earth is just a blip on God’s eternal timeline? Is God remaining #1?

And what about the anguish and guilt I feel around the way things are and all I can’t do? What of my need to influence my children’s choices or judge my parent’s decisions in the turmoil of these senior years? What about when I risk relationships with my siblings, because I am well-intentioned and believe my way is best for my parents? What about when I preach instead of simply listening, loving and accepting. Can I really trust God’s plan for life and death? Can I live my life His way, and be thankful in all things? Even in this messy sandwich stage?

Well, I would design old age differently, if I were god. I wouldn’t allow illness, dementia, deterioration or degeneration (wrinkles and gray hair might be okay, but I would have everyone view them as badges of honor). I would want old age to be, well, golden. I would gladly give up some of my comfort for my parents to live out their lives on a wonderful, high note.

I wouldn’t let anyone treat my children unfairly or without kindness — at any age. I would want everyone to know and love them as I do. I want them to inherit, without pain, all that I have learned through the experiences of my life, so that they would never suffer. Wouldn’t my way make for a happier, if possibly more vanilla life? It feels like it at times — but it sounds ridiculous even to me when my way is spelled out.

It is Good Friday. “And on the night He was betrayed, He broke bread and lifted it up, and gave thanks.” (1 Corinthians 11: 23-24) If Jesus can give thanks in that, knowing His crucifixion followed, can I not trust Him and give thanks in all that’s on my overflowing, sandwich-adorned plate? Or will I believe it’s all up to me, and squeeze him out — just for this season.

It all circles back to God… Ruthless trust in the One who loves me and all my family most. And putting Him first: “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: love your neighbor as yourself.” Matthew 22:37-39

Priorities. Trust. Love. God’s got my whole Dagwood sandwich in His hands. I’m glad He’s in control, and I’m just a piece of beloved, fried pastrami in the middle.

Note: This may sound like nothing concrete and easier said than done… but, considering yesterday’s post when I was feeling pretty low in my prayer life — Abba is faithful and will show the way through prayer. Please read it, if you have a chance. 😉