Category Archives: Purpose

Religion vs. Relationship — It makes All the Difference

Critics of Christianity often say religion is no more than  a way for people to cope with life. I agree — all too often it can be, if we are religious without actually knowing God.

IMG_1127Because I’ve tasted a bit of the abundant life He wants for me, my passion is to invite others to join the continuing adventure of relationship with the Living God.

I share my story here and with friends in order to introduce Jesus to those who have only heard ABOUT Him. To help people understand that they not only can, but must have a relationship with God in order to enter His heaven (Matt 7:22-23). To challenge the religious to be sure they are saved, and to challenge the saved to surrender to transformation in order to experience His power, abundance and joy while on earth. I am or have been all these people at times. It’s exciting to see what God does in us as we realize it is our privilege to seek Him for Who He is, not just what He gives.

During my 40-day commitment to focused, listening retreats with Jesus, I’ve written very little, but God has said so much! A few of today’s pearls embody all that drove me to seminary, where God taught me to seek His face above knowledge, understanding or even wisdom.

IMG_1122Religion can be a legalism trap instead of a Relationship. Many people have daily quiet times, tithe, attend church, etc. In short we seek spiritual fulfillment by a “good” behavior to-do list, believing our lives will fall in place, because we’re doing what God wants. We think certain actions and disciplines are not only central but sufficient for being “spiritual.”

In short, we squeeze into a safe box an understandable God we feel we can control and predict. Then we do stuff “for Him.” Focusing on the externals, while difficult, is much easier than offering your heart to His blade.  Because our scale is a measurable comparison to the behavior of others, we generally become complacent and feel we no longer need to struggle with the internal conflict of flesh and spirit. In fact, we hide our inevitable struggle, because we feel we should have matured spiritually beyond all that (I’ve worn that mask, even to church).

IMG_1142For a while we are smug, possibly self righteous — until despair creeps in. We know ourselves and that we fail to measure up. Or possibly we finally “have it all.” Life is under control and all we worked for has transpired — and that’s terrifying, because it’s not enough. Or as happened to me,  life caves in and exposes that this religious system we’ve developed isn’t enough to sustain us in the toughest times.

The point is, God will allow the frustrations and trials of this world to unsettle us and compel us to seek Him. To look beyond the illusion of control to where God woos us into true relationship. And He will use it all for our good, as we love and trust Him.

Christianity is not a lifestyle. Our legalism is inevitably exposed as idolatry and entitlement at its heart. The religious formula that God will give us earthly well-being if we will merely do the right things is a lie. True spirituality is a relationship, not a prescription or action plan.

IMG_1055Relationship with Him will take as many different forms as He has children… so in no means do I intend to describe specifics. But a general description might help, if intimate relationship of a Christian with God seems foreign or impossible.

We offer our hearts with child-like wonder in the presence of the One who made us and sustains us. We willingly expose all of who we are to God, who already knows us, and engage with all He has revealed of Himself in the Word and the world. We love, worship, struggle and trust Him in increasing surrender. He interacts with us with mystery and awe. We are open to His surprises and delight in Him as a child.

We are not immune to life under the sun. We experience confusion, rest, frustration, peace, impatience and joy. We learn to embrace that God is mysterious (beyond our comprehension), but always good and loving. Life in relationship with Him is not predictable, tamable, or without pain (in fact there’s often more), but it is purposeful and good beyond our wildest imaginings — which is why we can experience joy and peace no matter what the circumstances.

IMG_1121God wants our hearts. Our flesh (self serving) is in conflict with His spirit which lives in every believer. We must be open, and welcoming to His transformation of us, even when it hurts. We can be sure “that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ” (Phil 6:8).  We know God better each day, but not exhaustively — not until heaven. We look forward to our time with Him as the best of our days! As we are with Him and surrendered, He changes us. He works in us to make us more like Jesus. To release His power, joy and love to flow through us to others.

Everything good, beautiful and pleasurable here on earth is a hint of heaven.  It’s meant to turn us toward Him in gratitude and expectation! Our passion is to know Him better each day, as we look to the day He will complete our joy and the work He is doing in us — and we will worship Him and experience His endless mystery, wonder and love (heaven).

After some time getting to know Him, I can’t help but share Him with others.

IMG_1196It’s a beautiful picture, of the already (Christ in me, heaven) and the not yet (flesh, still earth bound). Just to be clear, I mess up (sin) and fall away (my agenda, all the “self” words like self-sufficient) from HIm daily. He sees me as His work in progress and forgives me as I turn back toward Him. I experience the consequences of my sin, but not condemnation. Nothing I could ever do could make God love me more or less… because His love is perfect and complete.

Jesus is my all in all. I want everyone to know Him intimately and to experience His love and caring.

 

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A Brief Quiz: Are you a Compassionate Christian?

The Quiz

  1. Would you describe caretaking as a way of life? Your calling?
  2. Are you a people pleaser? Loved by everyone?
  3. Are you always loyal, lending a hand to friends and family whenever they’re in need?
  4. Are you great at anticipating the needs of others? But often have trouble being decisive in your own life and taking care of yourself?
  5. Do you struggle to accept change?
  6. Do you feel guilty a lot?
  7. Have you ever been unfairly called judgmental or manipulative, just for helping?
  8. Do you feel at your best and most useful when you are helping others?

IMG_3125A few affirmative answers are not enough to draw any conclusions. A majority of “Yeses” might warrant the questions, is it possible I’m missing the mark when I’m honestly trying to be a loving, caring, compassionate Christian? Am I codependent?

A mentor wisely suggested I write my first seminary paper on codependency, and what the Bible has to say about it. Let’s just say he didn’t suggest it because he thought I knew all I needed to on the subject —

I’ve done a few other studies (including Escape from Codependent Christianity by Dr. James Richards which inspired much of this blog). It’s fascinating how commonly we — especially women — are taught from childhood that codependent behaviors are synonymous with love, motherhood, femininity, compassion, generosity and a good Christian life.

I still struggle not to fall into old patterns — avoiding conflict, people pleasing, and needing to be liked by everyone to name a few. However, He has transformed me, and codependence is not my usual way of life.  Years of trying to accomplish what wasn’t mine to do (things I thought were loving and giving) wore me out.

IMG_0447Several friends are new to the ideas of codependence and the importance of motivations in our lives. Their questions and the recognition of my own recent slip ups have prompted me to write this conversation starter.

I’m a sojourner, not an expert. The purpose of this blog is simply to provoke thought – not to academically, psychologically,  or theologically “cover” the topic of codependence. To help us recognize caretaking flesh vs. Christ-centered compassion. To suggest we take responsibility for ourselves, and give responsibility back to others. To fully accept our God-given identity and the TRUTH that He sufficiently provides all we need.

Codependent is the term used for relationships in which people (often without realizing it) use one another to get their own emotional needs met in a selfish and destructive manner. We depend on someone for something that we have no right to expect from him/ her. It often looks and feels like we are loving, caring, being helpful, giving, teaching… but underneath, it is not good.

IMG_0573We ALL seek love, acceptance, worth, and security from somewhere. When anyone or anything other than Christ is our primary source, we err toward dysfunction.

Proverbs 29:25 warns, “The fear of human opinion disables; trusting in God protects you from that.” When you get your emotional well-being and identity from the actions and opinions of another,  God takes second place to that person — in the Bible it’s called idolatry.

Maybe a fictitious story will help explain. A woman is married to an alcoholic. She supports him on his road to recovery and rejoices in his eventual sobriety. Shortly thereafter, she plunges into depression (She is lost without a project, purpose, and someone to control and care for — her identity is threatened). She needs to be needed. Possibly, her emotional crash sparked her husband to drink again (he feels comfortable in his role as dependent and controlled — irresponsible). Almost immediately after he hits the bottle her depression lifts, and she springs to action as caregiver and supporter, feeling responsible for keeping him in line. The couple thinks they have troubles like anyone, but their life normal.

IMG_0452Codependent people  are often attracted to each another and keep each other trapped in dysfunction —  each saying, being, and giving what the other needs to hear and receive in order to feel okay despite the chaos and destruction their choices create. When one person becomes more healthy — it usually disrupts the relationship.

Compare the following sketches of two types of people when they’re deeply involved in the lives of others  —

Codependent, Dysfunctional people:

I feel tired, anxious, fearful and liable – and try to fix, protect, rescue, control, carry their feelings, and don’t listen well — My focus is the solution, answers, circumstances, being right, details and performance. I expect the person to live up to my expectations.

Emotionally healthy people:

I feel relaxed, free, aware, and a high sense of self-worth – and therefore I show empathy, encourage, share, confront, am sensitive, listen – as I am concerned with relating person-to-person, feelings, and the individual. I expect the person to be responsible for himself. I can trust and let go.

IMG_1113Which scenario rings more true for your relationships? I think many of us relate to some elements of the first picture, when caring and loving others. We feel tension and frustration in a relationship, but aren’t sure why or what to do about it.

At first glance, the Bible can seem confusing. Galatians 6:2 instructs us to “bear one another’s burdens.”  Two verses later there’s a seeming contradiction — “each must bear his own burden.” These verses actually give clarity to us in understanding our roles in the lives of others.

The words in verses 2 and 4 are different in the original Greek.  Verse 2 commands us to come alongside others to share in the extraordinary and temporary burdens they may encounter. People need our intense support for a short while in the unique storms of life.

IMG_0613But in verses 4-5 the inference is collective, referring to the whole of everyday life — the normal emotional, financial, and behavioral responsibilities that come with adult living. We are not to enable people in these areas by taking responsibility for them and care taking in an unhealthy way. Each person should have space to examine his own character and behavior according to the Word of God — and to respond as God directs through the Holy Spirit.

If we are too involved doing good and feeling responsible for others,  our loved ones may never experience the consequences of their own character and mistakes. And they may not have the space to seek and hear the convicting voice of the Holy Spirit.

However, Jesus definitely left us with instructions to love one another: “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.” (John 13:34)  Jesus’ entire life modeled compassion for and sensitivity to other’s needs. When our behaviors are self-denying and caring, we honor Jesus – but codependency does not. What’s the difference?

The compassion urged in the Bible is not characterized by manipulation, control, emotional dependency on others, or a need for approval — the motivation for serving is pure. The healthy Christian finds his identity in the love, acceptance, forgiveness and redemption of Jesus – as opposed to finding identity in compulsive caregiving and approval. She is compelled to compassion simply by Jesus’ love.

IMG_5872If we think we may have codependent tendencies, what what can we do? Start by prayerfully giving up ALL your “rights.” If you don’t believe that Jesus is truly all you need, this idea seems wrong.  Prayerfully ask God what He wants you to surrender to Him.

What trusting Jesus as my Life means is that moment-by-moment, I am free to choose to…

Give up the right to be: Accepted, avoid conflict, understood, in control, perfect, used by Jesus, successful, competent, strong, unforgiving, loved, smart, treated fairly, rescued, listened to, encouraged, noticed, respected, trusted, married, comfortable, honored, healthy, financially secure, right… (add your own, the idea is we have no entitlements)

Replace them with a willingness to be/ feel: Rejected, confront, misunderstood, out of control, make mistakes, fail, inadequate, weak, forgive, unloved, dumb, mistreated, abandoned, ignored, criticized, invisible, viewed as insignificant, viewed with suspicion, single, in pain, embarrassed, sick, bankrupt, wrong… (expect troubles and persecution as part of following Jesus)

But know Jesus is faithful to be my: life, husband, comforter, adequacy, peace, reputation, strength, support, protector, Savior, defender, wisdom, fullness… (ruthless trust and belief in Jesus as my all-in-all, my sufficiency)

What will this look like practically in relationships? THROUGH CHRIST we can live life live abundantly as Jesus promises; fully alive in

  • boldness and confidence,
  • sharing with others,
  • loving the unlovable,
  • service,
  • witnessing,
  • taking chances,
  • being assertive,
  • accepting myself and others,
  • being flexible and relaxed…

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I like to picture the love of Christ flowing to me, through me, to others; I am simply a conduit to be used by HIm.  If I make myself available to Him, the results are all up to Him! What a relief! The pressure is off, and I’m free to focus on HIM!

We can replace  the patterns of our flesh and the culture of the world by emulating the love and compassion of Christ . He will change us and show us His way, when we surrender our rights to His will.

Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is–his good, pleasing and perfect will.” (Romans 12:2)

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*** This is one of those posts I sheepishly published… but understanding codependence and how naturally and unknowingly  I was helping, serving and loving others in a codependent fashion was so freeing! It was a HUGE growth experience for me (and a room full of wonderful women who studied with me). My prayer is if you think you might feel tired and lifeless in some of your relationships due to well-intentioned codependence, that you will do some research yourself.  Pray and ask God to transform you. Blessings!

Tired of Today’s Crazy Daze? — “Olden days” Answers from Granny’s Abundant Life

IMG_0682I wish I could chat on the back porch or pick vegetables in the garden again with this beautiful lady.  She was 70 when I was born. Until the last couple years of her life (she lived to be 107.5), I never thought of her as  old — she was simply Granny, and I loved her with all my heart. Everyone who knew her did.

One of the last times I saw Granny, she asked if I had rose bushes — she thought I should. Sadly, I couldn’t say yes.  At the time, I thought I was too busy  to spend much time in the yard. My gardening wasn’t in the same league as hers — or my beautiful mother’s.

Now I’m an empty nester, and I know there’s much to learn from Granny — her life, her  dinner table, garden and her roses — and that just maybe, I should have made time to apply the values, priorities and principles I so admired– even way back when I had young children. It’s never too late to learn worthy things from a life well lived.

Granny hadn’t been  widowed very long when I was born. I’m sure she was lonely sometimes, but it wasn’t apparent to me. People were always at her house; she was vibrant, interesting and overflowing with love and caring. She didn’t let her struggles define her.  I never heard many complaints about her own circumstances or the actions of others. To the contrary, there was a contentment about her that was very appealing. Even in the challenges of her later years, there was a graciousness about Granny that allowed her to accept her limitations with humor and peace.

still in school at 102
still in school at 102

A teacher at heart, she was well into her 90s when she volunteered to read at the elementary school.  I’m sure she never thought of herself as “old on the inside.” Certainly not as obsolete or without value and purpose. Kid’s from all over town called her Granny — and loved her. I think they knew she sincerely cared for and enjoyed each one of them.

I always felt that way too. She wrote me regular letters in college, and when I moved nearby as an adult, she lovingly gave love and garden memories to my children and all their generation. She valued the simple things and lived a full  life, much of it doing what others might consider mundane tasks. Her attitude and the joy she brought to her chores made them the heart of a beautiful life.

She cooked a big “dinner” (the noon meal) almost everyday and always had a table full of lively guests to enjoy fresh vegetables from her garden, cornbread, sweet tea… Everything was full of flavor — never lacking in protein, carbs or fat. Granny was back and forth to the kitchen — one of the most serving people I’ve ever known, but not in a “Martha” kind of way. Granny was a deliberate and attentive “Mary,” and time with her never felt rushed or stressful.

Granny's dining room and roses
Granny’s dining room and roses

Whether on the back porch with it’s chearful oil cloth and box fans or in the dining room with sterling silver and her best china and linens, dinner was about being together — often visiting for an hour or so after dessert. We were in south Georgia without air conditioning, but it’s  funny, I’ve never associated being hot with Granny’s house. I’m sure I was hot, it just wasn’t significant enough to remember.

Her house was big and rambling on small town Broad Street. When I would visit, I would let myself in the front door (which had no lock) and call out as I walked toward the kitchen. If she wasn’t there, I went right out the squeaky back door and into Granny’s garden.  As a little girl, I thought her whole house and especially the back yard was a magical place… and I never grew out of that feeling.

I can see her now — doubled over working in a sleeveless, cotton dress (she never owned a pair of pants), yard shoes, and a baseball cap to shield the sun. She’d look up and push away wisps of curly hair that spilled from her bun (she never cut her hair either). She would smile like I had made her whole day by visiting.  I was never an interruption, despite her earnest work. She made me feel special, loved and wanted — and she always encouraged me in all my activities.

IMG_0673There were all sorts of  vegetables in her garden, but  her roses… they were her pride and joy.

In the days when weddings were in churches and receptions in the fellowship hall, Granny provided buckets of roses for many a bride.

Toward the end of her life, Florida State asked her to ride in the homecoming parade, as the oldest living graduate of FSU (FSCW in her day). Always humble, she declined, and they sent her a beautiful arrangement — roses, of course. During one of our last visits, she tenderly reminisced about how much TLC roses need and the privilege and rewards of tending them. Another curious thing — I don’t remember there being a lot of roses in her house; I think she gave most of them away.

IMG_0677She was a smartsimple, humble, beautiful woman. She loved Jesus and read her Bible — but didn’t preach or wear her religion on her sleeve; it was a natural part of all she was.  She lived her faith and shared His love. She loved His creation and walked and talked with God in their garden.

She read books, kept up with the news, had hobbies and loved her family. But the purpose of everything she was, learned and did seemed to be to give it away. She was active in civic clubs and the church, but much of her philanthropy was unofficial and without a tax deduction — simply loving and serving whoever God entrusted to her by putting them in her life.

IMG_0684Granny never flew on a plane or saw anything outside of driving distance. She worked hard, but never “worked out” or “counted calories and carbs.” She drank a touch of wine when it was offered but didn’t take vitamins or drink green shakes. She ate small meals throughout the day and stayed actively engaged in life right up to the end.

She never dyed her hair or had a professional mani-pedi. In my memory, she didn’t wear a stitch of makeup, and her dresses were not the latest fashions. She was ahead of her time in not liking stockings. Her legs usually had scratches from the garden and her face was wrinkled with laugh lines. Yet — without any qualifiers — I think all who knew her would call Granny beautiful and her life abundant.

Remembering Granny, I think maybe we spend too much time today searching for ways to reduce our wrinkles, waistlines,  gray hairs, and discomfort. And trying to increase our lifespans, our “friend” lists, leisure, and wardrobes. Maybe the good life is simpler and a whole lot more than what the world says we should go after. Granny certainly proves the most beautiful part of any woman is found in seeing her heart and soul.

IMG_0686The olden days are attractive to a lot of us — hence the popularity of magazines like Real Simple and the trend toward minimizing. But the reality is that times are different. I’m not suggesting we garden in skirts, avoid airplanes and throw out all our makeup!  It’s worth noting that adapting to changing times is an important indicator for happiness and longevity. Granny’s life span included a lot of acclimating and re-acclimating. Nor should we start saving bacon grease to season our veggies or shun modern medical advancements. I bet Granny would use olive oil today, too.

But could it be that we give the common idols of today’s popular culture way too much time and attention? Are we running so hard and trying to do and be so much in our crazy busy world that we have no time for other people?

IMG_0680What can we learn from all the beautiful people (past and present, of all ages) who model abundant life? I think they share many traits (in bold above) with my Granny — traits we can emulate and intentionally develop when we slow down — resist following the culture of the day —  and seek real relationships, beauty and abundant life.

 The hymn to sing at Granny’s funeral was easy — In the Garden by Charles A Miles

  1. I come to the garden alone,
    While the dew is still on the roses,
    And the voice I hear falling on my ear
    The Son of God discloses.

    • Refrain:
      And He walks with me, and He talks with me,
      And He tells me I am His own;
      And the joy we share as we tarry there,
      None other has ever known.
  2. He speaks, and the sound of His voice
    Is so sweet the birds hush their singing,
    And the melody that He gave to me
    Within my heart is ringing.
  3. I’d stay in the garden with Him,
    Though the night around me be falling,
    But He bids me go; through the voice of woe
    His voice to me is calling.

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