Category Archives: gratitude

honeymoon’s over…

December 16, 2013divorce, Freedom, gratitude, personal growth, Purpose, waitinglouise

Article #2 (see explanation) written in 2006, just after my divorce was final. 2013 perspective added.

2006 article: The planning that goes into a wedding is infamous and growing these days. The average time from engagement to wedding is about 18 months, and the event dominates the bride’s life, as well as the lives of those who love her. The day arrives, the honeymoon passes. What has she done to prepare for the name changing, life altering new family that is the result of the ceremony? Oftentimes, not enough. I know it seems weird, but divorce could be compared to a wedding, the birth of a baby, or numerous other significant life events to which we give intense attention, but arrive on the other side utterly unprepared for the new reality.

2006 article: I spent months preparing for what seemed to be an inevitable trial. I was hands on in my divorce. It was my only focus outside of necessary chores and my children. Unexpectedly, we settled three days early. I spent a few days in a surreal fog. Many friends took me out to celebrate (not the end of our marriage, but closure in the legal process and a new beginning). I was busy with the details of wrapping things up, then as quickly as a return flight’s landing ends your vacation, the “honeymoon” was over. For so long I had worked toward the details of our legal settlement. Suddenly, a new reality of my singleness and permanent change gripped me. I know it sounds naive, but I felt blindsided by my new status.

Life as I knew it ceased to exist, yet the world continued around me unaffected. Not only was I no longer married, but the divorce ended my “job.” The family dynamic in my home was entirely different, and I was transformed personally. What next? I had no idea, yet I felt the need to DO something (still do at times). My ex husband and I still own our home together. I decided I could not live there any longer! Buying a new house for my children and me became my new focus and passion. I found THE house, “placed” furniture on graph paper, and planned a garage sale for the rest. I came so close to financial stupidity, I still shudder.

2013 perspective: At a more stable and appropriate time, we did make a great decision to move to a new home. It wasn’t a move per se that was bad, but my urgency to act, to DO in an effort at resolving the pain, uncomfortableness, and chaos of life. We needed to be together without distractions. I needed to rest and let God heal me.

2006 article: Ambivalence saved me. I am very passionate about many things — including the near purchase of that new house. But in the aftermath of divorce, my passion is almost always mixed with ambivalence. I swung to a dogged financial prudence. As rapidly as I fell in love with the house, I dropped it. I realized I must slow down and test to see if my passion finds a steady mark. I decided to stay where I am and enjoy living there until it sells – – a much wiser choice. There is already an abundance of change and chaotic nature to my life. Why did I think adding even an exciting stressor would help?

At this point, most change I’m experiencing is unavoidable. I am newly divorced (a word it took a few months for me to say outloud). I dropped my oldest child off for college for the first time, three weeks later. He is ready and I am immensely proud. My job was to prepare him for the joyful day of launching. Of course, I cried my way home through Alabama and Georgia. He will thrive, but what of me? With his departure came a drain of vitality in our home. He leaves a huge void. The “we” of our home’s daily dynamic quickly went from 5, to 4, to 3… What is the new rhythm for us? Again, I feel the tug to DO something. Should we go on a trip? Plan the holidays? I catch myself and slow it down. The answer is that I don’t know how we will be or what it will look like, and that’s okay. We are making it one day at a time.

Life is not the same, and forcing this new reality into the old mold will not work. I was always big on family dinners. I still believe they are important, but I am realizing they can occur at breakfast or in a restaurant. Right now, the three of us seem to feel more at ease when we are in places other than supper around our table. More of our traditional family style dinners may occur in time, but for now, I am happy we are together and talking about our lives.

We can and must try new ways of being a family, but we don’t have to do anything to affect big changes — not yet. And I don’t have to have all the answers — for myself or my children. We will embrace the holiday season soon, retaining some elements from the past and creating new traditions to fit our new life. My future (now and when all my children leave home) is a huge question mark! There is no substitute for time and patiently living my way to the answers of whatever will be with a lot of grace, faith and trust.

2013 Perspective: Change for change’s sake is bad. It is only a bandaid or temporary anesthetic when used as a diversion or distraction. Slowing down, settling in and simplifying are good. Familiarity and continuity brought comfort to me and my children. After divorce, we needed time to process, to grieve, to heal, to accept a new reality. But almost 8 years out, I also caution you: don’t be afraid of change! Some change is good! I made a lot of changes! Some BIG changes. Some short-lived and some permanent. Some serious and some silly! Experiment within healthy boundaries.

Just to start your thinking… I started wearing high heels and became more fashion conscious — for a while. 😉 I tried new recipes! I let my hair grow out long. I thought seriously about piano lessons, getting my pilot’s license, and starting a business — they never happened. I worked in a new job that got me out in the community with people I never would have met otherwise. Old friendships are important and so is meeting new friends (especially some who were single or had schedules that better matched mine). I included several single “guy” friends. Their perspective and company was a great addition to my singleness. I started shooting skeet for the first time and playing tennis again. Biggies: a few months after divorce, I started a new job and started dating. I moved once in town then again to a new city to start grad school.

Your list will look totally different. The point is moving forward with hope. Ask for forgiveness where needed, forgive yourself, and LIVE your new life. One day a friend said something hard to me, but that was the catalyst for my moving forward with grace, joy and purpose. It was many months after my settlement. The injustices, pain, and circumstances of divorce still dominated my thoughts. Darcy said, “you are ALL about divorce.” She was right.

It wasn’t that I didn’t know I was all about it, I just didn’t know there was another way to live! I was so used to the problems of the last 20 years of my life, I continued to live in them. Like a wounded bird who is nurtured to health in a cage. One day he is moved outside, the cage door is opened, and he is free to fly away. What if he still lives in that “cage?” The door was open to life, but I refused to leave the cage of my past and fly! Until Darcy… what a gift she gave me.

I was unprepared for singleness, and possibly you are too. Perspective is everything. Have a blast searching, seeking and building a new version of life. Accept and enjoy the process as often as possible. Be creative, be patient, and be gentle with yourself. Hang tight to what’s important, especially those you love and your Heavenly Father. Trust Him and His Word.

Rob and I are still building the infrastructure of our new life at almost 50. I never thought it would be this way, and often I’m tempted down the path of self pity. I have to say, “don’t do it!” Perspective is everything! I’m discovering that my friends who have celebrated a silver anniversary are experiencing many of the same changes I am. Divorce does not define me. Opportunities await, the joy of the Lord is my strength, and I know that God has a plan. Love and gratitude are key… more to come as I journey.

Some familiar verses that brought me through the aftermath of divorce follow.

Psalm 73:23 (MSG)

^21-24When I was beleaguered and bitter,
totally consumed by envy,
I was totally ignorant, a dumb ox
in your very presence.
I’m still in your presence,
but you’ve taken my hand.
You wisely and tenderly lead me,
and then you bless me.

Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Matthew 6:33 (New Living Translation)

Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.

Ephesiand 3:20-21 (NIV)

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, ²¹to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen

facebook games

December 7, 2013Freedom, gratitude, personal growthlouise

There’s a game going around facebook where you are a assigned a number and are supposed to tell that many facts about yourself – facts people might not know. I really didn’t want to play. Silly as it is, even at almost 50, I care who responds to my posts. Well, a childhood friend I haven’t seen in at least 35 years assigned me the number 10!

Part of me wanted to play. At least she had asked me to join in! I appreciated that. It’s that idea that you want to be invited to the party that you don’t want to go to, because you want to be wanted! You would think I had outgrown that by now. And you would think I would not have much to say about a silly facebook game. But when I reread my post, I realized how superficial and factual I was about myself — careful NOT to reveal anything controversial, unflattering or deep. I was truthful, but not all that “real.”

It doesn’t matter. It’s just facebook, truly! Not the forum to bare one’s soul. I want to get off social media, but I am also drawn to it. Facebook serves a purpose I am sure. But for me, it is often a pathetic counterfeit for real relationship. After the initial reconnecting with old friends, I am at a loss. I “like” their photos and comments. Make a comment here and there — usually sincere. But, why just facebook? Why not plan a reunion and really get together? With those in town, it seems we talk less and type more. Deep inside, being on facebook for me feels sort of “bad.” Like I should shut it down and get out there engaged with real people.

But this post isn’t about facebook per se. I want to make my game post more real. Below my post is copied. The bold is my attempt to really share a little of who I am.

Louise Wight Murphy

November 22 near Tallahassee, FL

Michelle gave me the #10! Big number! Some things you might not know… In a message to Michelle, I had commented, “I’m really not that interesting!” I know everyone is beautifully and wonderfully made in the image of our creator. I am a princess! Daughter of the KING! The Holy Spirit lives in me. Why did I feel the need to discount before I started. Old habits die hard. If I convince myself I don’t really care before I ever try something risky, I can’t feel hurt or disappointment, right? But I don’t want to live this way. So, there’s my first deeper truth.

1. I had a 12.1 lb. / 24″ baby. Healthy and beautiful “little” boy. He wore a 3-month size from birth! He was beautiful! I was fairly sick. He was 3 weeks overdue and I had toxemia and was slow to recover. HIV Aids was rampant, and my doctors were prolonging ordering a blood transfusion. Finally, it was necessary, but I improved while we waited on the blood… the risks of bad blood outweighed my need. I was in the hospital 5 days before I brought him home, so my mom had to leave. I felt very vulnerable and alone, as I wasn’t supposed to pick up 12 pounds, yet. But how could I not!? (Thanks be to God!)
2. I was on the Vanderbilt Inaugural Women’s golf team in 1986 — they had to field a team in order to recruit for the next season (Title 9). I could juggle golf balls, but had to borrow my Mom’s clubs to “play” on the nicest courses in Nashville! This is a fun story to tell! I still am not a good golfer. At that time, I didn’t even know how to grip a club! I am an athlete and a competitor in other sports. Maybe too much so… My memory is that the coach needed some of us to go to the SEC tournament. I refused. I was too competitive to make a fool of myself with real golfers. I don’t remember who went. I was on the team, but I never played in a real tournament.
3. I was an aunt when I was 6. My nephew, Todd Ellefson, is really my only brother! All true. Also, I was the youngest of 5 girls. I felt a little insignificant. I always wanted, not a necessarily brother, but someone, anyone younger that I could dominate! I even told my mother once, that I wanted a younger sibling, or at least a retarded one! Oh my! (Thank you, God, for my precious nephew-brother.)

Kenya 1996 - too close to bull elephant — Kenya 1996 – too close to bull elephant

4. I was chased by a bull elephant in Africa… I guess I got a little close for my photo op. Again, a great story to tell. There was a fairly deep ravine between me and the elephant, who was only about twenty yards away. Our safari guide thought if I got close enough, the ravine would “disappear” and the illusion would be that I was standing next to the elephant. We got too close, he bellowed (or whatever you call that noise), flared his ears and began to gallop (elephants kill by trampling). I ran, the photographer ran, and my then-husband, who was videoing the whole thing, ran. The story actually broke my heart. Neither of the men showed any concern for me. Both were ahead of me, and just turned to run away. It added hurt to a pain deep in my soul, but I never acknowledged it — until now. (Thank you, God! For keeping me safe and always loving and pursuing me – even when I felt alone and abandoned, You were there.)
5. I was struck by lightning in the Publix parking lot — one guy saw it. It blew the METAL tip off my umbrella. My arm was numb for about 12 hours. Not much to add here, except I sort of took it in stride — meaning, I didn’t feel incredibly grateful that I wasn’t dead. (Glad God is teaching me gratitude!) I didn’t tell many people. I just finished shopping and went home. There’s a sad and repeated message in that. “Don’t feel, don’t think too much, don’t cause waves or require care.” At that time, I was shut off from my emotions to survive, Today, I still have to override that tendency. (Thank you, God!)
6. Not about me, but my grandmother lived to be 107.5! She was so loving and central in my life, even though she was already 70 when I was born.
7. I have always wanted to write books… my journals stacked would be taller than I am…but no book! Fear of failure? Fear of exposure? I don’t know. That’s part of what I’m exploring in this blog.
8. I was an Engineering major for my first 1.5 years. A love for literature and writing (inspired by my English teachers, Ann Larson and Libby Atwell — I’m eternally thankful for you both!) caused me to switch to English via Math — I took my first college English class in the 2nd semester of my Jr year! I graduated with an English major and “related work” in Business and Communications with all my electives in Engineering! Can you say undecided? That’s it. I’ve never quite found my niche… what God created me for.
9. I went to Italy alone for 10 days… AWESOME! True, really awesome AFTER I collapsed into a teary mess when I arrived. Sobbed for hours. Called a friend at home. Timidly went into a square in Florence for dinner alone. Then slept, and slept, and slept. Backing up a day, I had to rush my departure by a day because a hurricane was bearing down on Tallahassee. I flew to Atlanta, and spent the night with a sister. We “just happened” to have dinner with friends of hers, who gave me the name of a guide in Italy who was awesome. She of course was booked 6-12 months in advance. When I woke up, I received a last minute call from Lucia. A cancellation for the next day! Knowing there was someone out there I would be meeting gave me courage and hope. Lucia was a God send in the true meaning of the word (see gratitude post). The trip became what I wanted. A line of dermarcation. I was in the middle of a divorce, when my husband got cancer. Everything had to go on hold. I needed to face a lot of fears (I had never been to Europe, so this trip was representative of all things new). I needed to prove to myself that I would be ok. I could take care of myself. I’m a very experiential learner. The trip was a gift and a blessing in many ways. And writing this has reminded me that it’s never too late to praise God with heartfelt thanksgiving!

10. Driving back to college in the rain, I spun in 3 complete circles and stopped, facing the correct way, on the shoulder… of !-75 north of Atlanta! I believe in guardian angels. Again, not sure how grateful I was. Not sure I told many people… just took it in stride. I learned early to be resilient, strong, independent, and self sufficient — at least on the outside. Now I’m trusting God to change me — I’m surrendering daily, except when I forget. I want to be grateful in ALL things, dependent on Him alone, to see God for Who He is, and let HIm live through me. My words sounds like a distant echo, even to my ears… because I’m not there, yet. I’m impatient with myself and how slowly I am dying to self. I want to reflect Christ, not live in struggle. (And more prayers of thanks today!)

Wow, and after my recent post on gratitude, what a wonderful reminder. God is faithfully and gently opening my eyes to all I have somewhat taken for granted. Thankful, but not acknowledging Him as the One to whom my thanksgiving is most due. Repentance. Grace. Mercy. Thanksgiving, praise and love…

double blow out!

December 6, 2013divorce, gratitude, personal growthlouise

When I was very newly divorced, I wrote 5 short articles, which as a series I called “Recently Singled Out.” I was hoping they would one day help others. I had no plan for publishing them, and no one read them. I tucked the hard copies away and totally forgot them, only to be found just now as I’m starting my blog! God is so good! 😉 I’m pretty sure I had never heard of a blog in 2006. I’ll share them here, labeled “article” with my voice as it was (present tense in 2006). I’ve added a few notes, labeled “perspective.”

2006 Article: In the middle of a divorce or any life crisis, even more “bad” things are likely to happen, because we are stressed, distracted and not fully ourselves.

2013 Perspective: I remember one day when, returning home from getting a cast on one child’s broken arm (2 days late after a misdiagnosis), I ran over our Jack Russell in my Suburban! My healthy child was at a swim meet with no mom watching, so I had to wake up my child home alone with mono to hold the dog on the way to the vet. The vet (who was in the middle of surgery when we all busted in the room) took one look at the dog in shock, and sent us home without Bandit. He believed the little guy would be dead from internal bleeding in no time. The good news? Bandit only needed two stitches! (We believe he is a “fenine” with 9 lives). At the time, I took this all in stride without tears or much emotion at all. It just seemed normal. I was in survival mode – with no idea that most of my days were crazy!

2006 Article: My life has been so unbelievably “bad” that countless people have told me I should write a screenplay. It would have all the elements of sensation needed to excite Hollywood. The biggest problem is that when the story is told, my last two years don’t read as credible! All that just couldn’t happen to one person in such a short time.

One day a sweet friend sent me flowers with a card that read, “I’m thinking of you.” I didn’t know if she was thinking of me because of my marital issues and separation, my ex husband’s cancer diagnosis and subsequent move back to my house, or because I had found my aptly named lab, Punkin, dead in her crate Sunday morning. All deserved tears, and all happened within days of one another. My sister still insists I should write a country ballad full of that week’s heartache. Maybe one day I’ll be able to tell my story with poetic humor. Nashville, are you listening?

Until then, I have learned through it all to see the good in “bad” situations – even to laugh in the face of it all. Punkin could have died a slow death. God knew we couldn’t take that too. While his cancer delayed my divorce by many months, it afforded me the time to get my emotions and mind in check and to strengthen myself for the process. Mayo (where we sought treatment) is near the beach, so it gave me a respite I could never have claimed at home. I also had a sister nearby, and both she and my brother-in-law were with me through it all.

I have found it is also essential to find humor whenever possible, even when I feel such despair that I’d like to curl up in bed all day or maybe even not wake up. Though usually short-lived, and now infrequent, these days are real. I don’t want to deny them and give the impression that I can always laugh or be thankful. I cannot.

sometimes the seaweed just rolls in — at times the seaweed just rolls in

I knew that I had made great progress the day I had a double blow out! After picking up a sandwich, I was trying to turn out of a parking lot. The lady in front of me was moving too slowly for my mood, so I did a u-turn and went out of my way to use the other exit. My mind drifted and I hit the curb – hard. I blew out both tires on the right side. My car already needed four new tires, and I had almost bought them the day before. I was truly thankful not to be buying tires number 5 and 6 in less than 24 hours. I turned on the hazards and called AAA. The wrecker wouldn’t be there for 20 minutes, so I ate my sandwich. For some reason the battery died too, and with it my hazards. People started honking and cussing me like I had randomly chosen to have a picnic at the intersection!

I started laughing out loud! About that time my sister called (I put her on speaker so the angry drivers would just think I was crazy and talking to myself). I told her I just had a double blow out, and it was the BEST thing that had happened to me in a long time! I meant it in all sincerity. If I had used the other exit, I most likely would be in a ditch. The tires I needed were in stock. The wrecker arrived quickly and also changed my battery. My sandwich didn’t get soggy. Except for the blowouts, everything had gone incredibly well! 😉

Like I said, sometimes I feel downright gloomy. But this mini wreck served as an example of what a difference perspective and thankfulness can make. Divorce could definitely be compared to a double blow out! Despite how wrong my life seems right now, just after my settlement, maybe I just need to shift my perspective to all the ways I have grown through all this.

2013 Perspective: More than 7 years later, I can honestly say I am thankful to God for all I have been through, because of the wonderful ways he has used adversity to teach me growing dependence on Him and a surrender and humility I never knew before. And what faith He is growing in me! I am learning to trust Him ruthlessly, because He has come through when I am utterly weak and powerless. He has shown me time and again that he knows me by name, and cares intimately about my life and my heart for Him.