Category Archives: Freedom

Raw thoughts on a down day

IMG_2089I’m not living the way I want to live. In fact, I feel fairly certain that I’m not doing whatever God put me here to do. I’m conflicted and ambivalent about my purpose and how it fits in with what I have to do. Surely, I must be slow to learn, or I missed His cue, or I am just stubborn and disobedient. Even when I focus my best efforts, it doesn’t feel like it’s good enough, and I can’t sustain the “good” long enough to accomplish something meaningful. Do you ever feel these things?

I dream of a different life. Maybe I am not intended to write, or speak, or paint, or create or give in a way that moves others. Maybe I’ll never have the authenticity and openness of a child, or the contagious love and joy of Jesus flowing uncontainably from my heart. Maybe He never intended to use me in the ways I have dreamed.

IMG_1875But if not, where did my deepest desires and dreams come from? Could it be true that those things that bring me to tears, those activities that swallow me up and make time stand still, those people with whom I engage and depart feeling so alive and full — are those moments the ones that matter? Are those moments reflections of the most true parts of me? Are they representative of my God-given desires, dreams and purposes — even if they feel small?

This winter day my thoughts quickly turned to harsh judgement of myself. I’m not all I had hoped. I am no closer to living with the qualities of little chidren that God says are important to inherit His kingdom. I see the lives of so many others, and they seem to make a difference, to matter. I read the words of others and they seem to know Christ and share Him so well. I hear others speak, and feel my inadequacies.

Can you relate? Am I the only one who sometimes feels like I have gotten my one shot at life all wrong?

There are a few key things I notice about my “down”  thoughts.

  1. My down thoughts are really all about “me.” Not so much a focus on Jesus.
  2. My “feelings” are dominating. Not a lot about what I know to be true.
  3. I am harder on myself than I am on anyone else — by far.
  4. I feel a need to accomplish. To add to what Jesus has done in some profound way.
  5. If I am quiet and still, the Holy Spirit will speak God’s truth in the darkness.

IMG_0741The first one is easy to recognize. It’s my flesh rearing it’s ugly head. I remind myself I am entitled to nothing. Owed nothing. Not a life of significance. Not success. Not love. Not attractiveness or friends. Not even to do anything worthwhile for Jesus.

Yet I have everything! I have experienced the sufficiency of Jesus! I know experientially that He is all I need. I know His love and salvation are all grace. I know I can add nothing to what Jesus did for me on the cross. He doesn’t love me even a little bit  more when I am at my best, nor does he love me an ounce less when I am the most selfish. He is perfect, and He loves me. Seeking Him, falling in love with Him more and more deeply would help cure what ails me.

Number two: Feelings are fickle and sometimes deceptive. Are they also valuable? Yes, but they can be easy to manipulate and deceive. God’s promises and God’s truths never change. God never changes. The Bible contains 66 love letters of His Truth. I need to spend some time renewing my mind in the truths of His Word, in addition to seeking His face. There’s a difference. “All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work” (2 Timothy 3:16-17).

IMG_5925Number three:  “So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus.” (Romans 8:1)   I offer grace and forgiveness to others. I don’t expect perfection from my family or friends. I tell others that the “little things” are often most important. My grandmother never travelled far from her home, spent most of her time in her gardens and kitchen, yet I call her my role model. Why, at times, am I so hard on myself? The answers are found in all the other points above.

Moving on to number four, which is a major contributor to my self-condemnation: Sometimes I feel I am supposed to do something ‘BIG’ for Jesus. What am I thinking? That I can repay Him for all He has done for me? That I can help Him with His work? Maybe that I can make Him feel a little better about me? Or that others will appreciate me? Respect me? Am I possibly being a glory hog?

IMG_1842The truth is Jesus doesn’t need me. Nothing any of us  could ever do is “big” on the God standard. It is His world, His work. He moves others. He uses us when and how He chooses,  if we are willing. He can even use our missteps for our good (Romans 8:28).   Does this all lead me to despair?

No — It means it’s not up to me! Of course, I want to surrender daily. To invite God to use me for His purposes. To put His will ahead of my own desires.  But what He wants is my LOVE. To keep Him number one in my life. This means the pressure to perform is off! I can’t add anything to what God is accomplishing. End results are up to Him. And if He uses me in HIs work, in a any way,  I want to praise Him for the privilege and give Him all the glory, because anything “I might do” is really Him working through me.

IMG_1363Which brings me to number five: God gave me His Holy Spirit. He is always with me, and will guide me when I ask. Even as I was down and out with my eyes on myself, He broke into my thoughts with truth.

When the need to strive and perform, self-condemnation, or comparisons creep into my life, I am under attack. But Satan is already defeated. I need only to turn to God and His Word to be renewed and restored. On down days, fabulous days, and all those in between, I need Him. He is my sufficiency.  “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33)

 

Apart from God, I quickly become enmeshed in the world’s ways of thinking — achieve! perform! do more! The truth of my life is all about GOD! God loves me. God is transforming me. God “made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb.” (Psalm 139:13)   God has a plan for my life. “Plans to prosper me and not to harm me (Jeremiah 29:11). God says I am “his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God afore prepared that we should walk in them.”  (Ephesians 2:10)

My role is to love God and His kingdom.  My job is not to constantly search for my purpose and measure my accomplishments. Obeying HIm is to do what I already know He is asking of me.  I don’t have all the answers I would like, but these reminders help. I feel lighter and more free. Renewal, restoration and transformation are His daily work. Mine is to love and trust HIm.

It never fails when I am at a loss, God sends answers. Todays’s relevant devotional is below. When I am most attacked, perhaps I am also most present in His will and on His path.

February 3, 2014

Stand Firm

By Michael Youssef, Ph.D.

From the outside looking in, things look bleak for believers today. We live in an era of unprecedented economic challenges, legislated immorality, and confused political leadership. Many who claim to know Christ do not actually believe He is the only way to salvation, and still others are proclaiming a watered-down version of the Truth that is not Truth at all. However, Jesus prepared us for this age by encouraging us to remain steadfast:

Because of the increase of wickedness, the love of most will grow cold, but the one who stands firm to the end will be saved. And this gospel of the kingdom will be preached in the whole world as a testimony to all nations, and then the end will come (Matthew 24:12-14).

Although darkness seems to prevail, these times are ripe for God to break through. Christ promised that, in the midst of this chaos and deception, the gospel will ultimately reign. How will the gospel reign? Resolute believers will proclaim it throughout the world. We can take heart, because the testimony of Jesus is alive today and forever.

In between now and eternity, Satan will do everything he can to distract us from God’s mission. Right when our passion for Christ is renewed, the enemy comes to thwart us with fear, discouragement, and confusion. We might experience a surge of energy to pray again or share a testimony, but then apathy comes. Do not be afraid of the enemy’s schemes. In these moments, call out to God for strength—He is stronger than our enemy.

Are you standing for Truth, no matter the cost, or have you felt yourself wavering? Have you been tempted to abandon your work for the Lord because of discouragement or spiritual lethargy? Wait on the Lord today. Ask Him to search your heart and reveal where you stand. If there is fear, discouragement, or a lack of focus in your life, allow Him to come and fill you with hope, boldness, and new vision today.

Prayer: Lord, show me where I stand in the work You have called me to do. Where I have lost sight of the task at hand, renew my strength and remind me of Your vision. Thank You for loving me and leading me.

“Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain” (1 Corinthians 15:58).

 

 

Like a Little Child – part 1

IMG_1108Mark 10:13-15 (NIV)

“13 People were bringing little children to Jesus for him to place his hands on them, but the disciples rebuked them. 14 When Jesus saw this, he was indignant. He said to them, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. 15 Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.”

Clearly, we must be like a little child to enter the kingdom of heaven.  But what does this mean for us now — in our day-to-day lives? The last couple months, God has nudged me to explore the latter question.

Commentaries on these verses are plentiful and fairly consistent.  People were bringing little children (paidia, those ranging from older babies to preteens) to Jesus so that He could touch and bless them. The disciples rebuked them and tried to keep the “culturally unimportant” children from wasting Jesus’ time. Jesus was indignant and further highlighted the importance of His message with a sharp  double command, “Let the little children come… and do not hinder them.”

It becomes clear to those listening to Jesus that God’s heaven is not gained by human achievement, position,  or merit; it must be received as God’s gift through the simple trust of those who acknowledge their own inability, and accept His gift of salvation. The first century Jewish attitude toward children was that they didn’t matter, didn’t count, and merited no level of importance or attention. On this occasion the disciples heard Jesus saying that they personally needed to be willing to see themselves as unimportant, but not to be despised or shamed. In Jesus’ eyes these little ones were of utmost value, presented as models for would-be disciples. Jesus took pleasure in giving them unmerited grace and compassion.

IMG_1091The key for our lives today is found in the words “such as these.” Jesus isn’t saying that  Heaven will be inhabited only by those with the title of little ones, but that children of God should possess the qualities consistent with young children. What does that mean for our daily life as His followers?

In thinking about these verses, I have been on an internet exploration. I am the fifth daughter. Even my best outfits had already been photographed multiple times back when my older sisters wore them, so there are very few pictures of me as a child. In fact, when I was in 6th grade, our class made a  bulletin board of everyone’s baby pictures. Excitedly, I pinned my happy mug up — only to notice later that the date of the picture was 1951 (I was born in 1964)… my sweet mom had inadvertently supplied a picture of my sister, Mary!

So in the last few months, I searched the web for pictures of “little children,” mostly girls, to remind myself of what I was like way back when. By clicking on the link, you can see many photos that I pinned on my Pinterest.  I studied precious little ones and prayerfully considered what they reveal to me, in order to capture the meaning of “such as these.”  I’m trying to remember and rediscover who I was when I was unencumbered by the world’s opinions, pressures, and judgements. When I was free to be me, and incapable of being otherwise.

IMG_2636I encourage you to collect your own pictures — of yourself or other children! Let them speak to your heart as you ask God what qualities are in little children that He desires in you. Here’s an incomplete list of adjectives and phrases I feel describes what I saw and felt when I searched the faces of little ones.

Amazed — Joyful — marveling — curious — unhurried — no audience — content — imaginative — creative — glowing — healthy — beautiful — delighted — loving — consumed — giving and receptive — innocent — loved — deep — thoughtful — intrigued — adventurous — bright — open — soft — tactile — engrossed in the moment — unaffected — warm — willing — trusting  — unafraid — authentic, yet not trapped — FREE — full of wonder — awe struck — simple —  real —  beautiful from the inside out — blooming — can’t hold in authenticity — unreserved — uninhibited — effervescent — self-assured — unbridled emotion — safe — secure — hospitable — restful — gentle — feminine (girls) — unashamed — exuberant — experimental —  fresh — glorious — proud — full — appreciative — brilliant — independent, wanting to “do it myself” — dependent — vulnerable — overjoyed — sharing — artistic —  living in abundance — open — offering — needs love — needs comfort — expressive — real — inviting — thankful — unselfconscious — vast — relational — non-conforming, unique — incapable of pretense — no adornment needed — prayerful — amused — mischievous of the best kind — encouraging — experiential — proud — imaginative — active — moving — balanced — productive — not driven — determined — without judgment — patient with own shortcomings — grace-filled — interested — resourceful — feeling music — aware of no audience or critics — unhurried — unpretentious — rested — encouraged — undeterred — persistent — pretty — innocent — work is fun — expectant — take charge — Absorbing — affectionate — happy — unabashed — content — stretching — not covetous — abundance, no worries — empowered — excited — at peace — expressive — intimate — open to all emotions — unfiltered — without purpose — vulnerable — searching — trusting — sponge — spontaneous — strong — observant –responsive — flexible — sassy — expectant and content at same time — surprised — un-rushed — abundance of all things — positive — intent — gentle with own efforts — focused — demonstrative — connected body, heart, and mind — playful — without fear

What a glorious list! Several of these qualities (in bold below) really stood out for me. After I typed the list above, my computer froze. Nothing “worked.” So I left it, read the days’s devotional and a few other things. Don’t you love it when God works in His mysterious ways — so obviously that you can’t miss His message?  😉   See below a few commentaries I came across related to this verse — all  while my computer malfunctioned.

IMG_0537Fully Present. Little children are fully engrossed in the reality of the present moment. “When Jesus tells us to become like little children, He is inviting us to forget what lies behind. …Whatever we have done in the past, be it good or evil, great or small, is irrelevant to our stance before God today.It is only now that we are in the presence of God.” The Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning

Abundance. Expressive. Exuberance. Young children seem to operate from the Abundance of God’s Kingdom — meaning they aren’t anxious about lack of supply. They know something great and new is yet to come, while simultaneously being content and engrossed in whatever holds their present attention. They also seem to experience the abundant life promised in John 10:10. They are unbridled in emotion and fully connected in mind, body, soul, and spirit.

Full of Wonder. Awestruck.  Appreciative. “In our skeptical and scientific world, it seems we have lost our childlike sense of wonder and awe. We fail to notice the daily miracles surrounding us. Jesus warns us, “Anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it” (Mark 10:15). Jesus is telling us to call upon God with the wonder and amazement of a child. He calls us to believe in Him with the trusting nature of a child. He wants to see our excitement every time we seek His face.” Michael Youssef (today’s devotional)

IMG_0089Incapable of pretense. Unself-conscious. “In Matt 18: 2-4, Jesus cuts to the heart of the matter as He sets the child on His knee. The child is unself-conscious, incapable of pretense…. The kingdom belongs to people who aren’t trying to look good or impress anybody, even themselves…. The child doesn’t have to struggle to get himself in a good position for having a relationship with God.” The Ragamuffin Gospel, by Brennan Manning

Outrageously Joyful. Fearless. Those who encountered Jesus had “a liberating experience of sheer joy. He freed them from self-hatred, exhorted them not to confuse their self perception of themselves with the mystery they really were, gave them what they needed more than anything else — encouragement for their lives — and delivered reassuring words such as, ‘Do not live in fear little flock; don’t be afraid; fear is useless, what is needed is trust; stop worrying; cheer up — your sins are all forgiven.’ …The contagious joy of Jesus (only carriers pass it on) infected and freed HIs followers.” The Ragamuffin Gospel, by Brennan Manning

IMG_4742Sponge. Curious. Receptive. “There is a wondrous open-mindedness about children and an insatiable desire to learn from life. An open attitude is like an open door — a welcoming disposition… When our inner child is not nurtured and nourished, our minds gradually close to new ideas, unprofitable commitments, and the surprises of the Spirit. Evangelical faith is bartered for cozy comfortable piety.” The Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning

FREE!  That’s the one that brought me to tears. Free in some ways is the umbrella over all the other qualities.  In my next post I’ll explore why we as adult followers of Christ are so reserved, and what we might do to regain some of those childlike characteristics.

I want to dance like no one’s watching. To whole-heartedly sing with passion equal to  the superior voices on stage. To simply be amazed with God all day, every day. To be fully present in this moment. To unbridle my jubilance without fear. To love with sincerity and abandon. To love to learn and work because it’s my privilege. To live with confidence in God’s provision and respond with outrageous generosity. To shed all my masks and pretense, and live the free life God offers me — knowing all the love, acceptance, worth and security I need is found in Him.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAI want to be vulnerable, authentic, and surrendered to the Lord — my audience of one. To trust no matter what, to live in hope, confidence and excited expectation, because Abba has a plan and wants to bless me. I want my gratitude to be continual and my praise to be spontaneous.  I want to trust God ruthlessly and live with the wisdom of my years and the faith of a little child.

I want to be the one who God had in mind when he knit me in my mother’s womb, and live the abundant life I was created to live. But how? How do I reclaim who God made me to be?

Please join my unfolding journey. I would love to hear your comments as you use my pictures or your own to look into what it means to be “such as these.”

 

 

 

 

 

No Resolutions – just one Goal

It’s January 3rd.  So many worthy resolutions march through my head. They are also militant, insistent, arrogant, stoic, self-centered, heartless… second person accusations pointing to my failures and weaknesses of 2013.

  1. Lose those extra pounds you can’t believe are part of you.
  2. Drink more water. Eat “clean.”
  3. Walk or do something you could call exercise every day! At least 5 minutes!
  4. Read through the Daily Chronological Bible this year – and, um… you are already 2 days behind schedule!
  5. Write notes, send flowers and birthday cards, have and make time for people and encourage them.
  6. Dress nicely for your husband… sweats just don’t cut it.
  7. Learn to paint, play the piano… never stop learning and growing!
  8. Find a church home! It’s been too long. YOU must be the problem.
  9. Visit Mom and Dad at least once a week, and create one-on-one times with them (you want to do this – make it a priority).
  10. Be compassionate and loving and reflect Jesus to your adult children.  Parenting is over… trust Jesus and pray more.
  11. Get more sleep. More rest.
  12. Forgive (have you really done this?) and pray for your enemies.
  13. There are many more, but STOP!

 

New Year’s Resolutions? I told Rob, “I don’t make them, because I never keep them. I set goals, though.” That flippant remark begs the question: What’s the difference?

res·o·lu·tion  (rz-lshn) n.1. The state or quality of being resolute; firm determination. 2. A resolving to do something. 3. A course of action determined or decided on.

goal  (gl) n. 1. The purpose toward which an endeavor is directed; an objective.

 

Variations of the above “resolutions” have been in my journals, on index cards, and in my head for years (not just in January). Mine probably look a lot like yours? They are all about my doing something differently or altogether new. And even when the outside of me looks a little better, the truth is I seem to fall back on the same flesh patterns – my particular weaknesses.

So why do the whole resolution thing? It feels like a second person bashing of me by me – not much grace or forgiveness involved. It’s a throwback to my perfectionistic tendencies. I’m ungrateful and impatient with God’s work and progress in me. I’m condemning myself as I compare myself to others. I am not ok with being typical.

But the truth is I am a poor, weak woman with limited talents and resources, trying to learn what it means to put Jesus first – to live the Gospel. To love Jesus and others. To be a follower of Jesus.

These resolutions I’ve been making are no way to begin 2014! Focusing so much on ME is ultimately a form of idolatry.

The truth is I am a sinner and will be until I die, and more importantly, I am loved, forgiven and accepted, and will be forever! Shouldn’t this fact be central to my joy and my purpose? My motivation and my priority?

Resolutions imply self-determined action. If nothing else, my many failed years of setting resolutions have taught me that it doesn’t work that way. Not for me. Maybe not for anyone trying to follow Jesus.

What about having a New Year’s goal? Maybe this is all semantics, but looking toward 2014 and my fiftieth birthday, one goal make sense.  When I answered my husband’s questions about resolutions, I was dodging responsibility. I didn’t want to commit to actions I said I should take, when experience told me it might not pan out as laid out. But as I reflect this morning, maybe I am on to something?

A goal is an endeavor or objective… a purpose toward which I am directed. It is less a tiresome list of behavioral mandates, and more a big picture purpose, intention, focus or design.

What if I set this goal: Jesus. Nothing else.

What would it mean if Jesus was my goal? To seek Jesus. To know Jesus. To direct myself toward Jesus. To let Jesus set my purpose. To believe Jesus and His Word. To intentionally see Jesus in His creation and His people. To let Jesus love me. To let His love flow from me. To feel the awe and wonder of Jesus. To accept Jesus’ forgiveness of myself and others. To spend time talking and listening to Jesus. To let go more and more of the world’s views and see Jesus.

The list is endless, because Jesus is infinite. The difference? Jesus is the focus, the reason, the purpose, the answer, the action, the joy, the peace, and the whole big picture. All it takes from me is surrender and the will to make Him my first priority.

I am willing to commit to that, knowing I am covered in His grace, mercy, and love. When I inevitably forget, fail and falter in my goal… I will grab His hand again, and whisper, “Jesus.”

Matthew 6:33  New Living Translation      “Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.”

My 2013 goal is to keep my focus on Jesus. Just that… Jesus. I’ll trust Him for the rest. I may also do some of the list I started with, but they are simply good and worthy second tier behaviors. Only Jesus is worthy of being a goal. The wonderful second place things in my life are not even on the same list! They aren’t my 2014 goal and purpose. Only Jesus. There’s power in His name.