Category Archives: divorce

Addendum to Dating at Halftime, for those in a dark valley

Since I posted “Dating at Halftime” yesterday,  I’ve had a gnawing question tumbling in my heart… “Did I say enough to offer God’s hope to someone who is walking in a dark valley of defeat, loneliness and discouragement?” At times, well meaning “encouragement” can feel like salt in a wound, when hugs are needed. That’s the last thing I want.

IMG_2073The impersonal, one-way nature of a blog makes it hard to address such deep heartache. I’ve been there, and I understand a taste of your despair. I have hurt so deeply that I wondered why God didn’t just take me — because I thought it was all more than I could bear. But that dark night of the soul came just before a break through in faith (most of us will  have many in our journey to Him). From where I sit today, I wouldn’t trade those times — when I was keenly aware that I had nothing save HIM — for anything. They were necessary cornerstones of my faith, and are the very seasons I draw from today, when I’m under water, and need to remember God’s goodness and faithfulness.

Yesterday’s story of my dating life had a “happy” ending — the girl gets the great guy. I am thankful beyond measure, but the outcome isn’t the point.

There have been other times I have prayed earnestly about things equally pressing on my heart, and God’s answer has been no — he answered in ways I never would have chosen for myself.  Ways that made no sense to me, or even seemed “bad” considering He is all-powerful and could make it all right. In my heart I was adding, ” If He wanted to; if He loved me…” My faith was barely a mustard seed.  I still have other prayers that are not yet answered, at least not in ways that I can see.  It almost seems He doesn’t  hear me in these prayers, but now I know this isn’t true. I rely on what is promised in the Bible, and I draw from my personal experiences with Abba — I persevere.  And it’s heart wrenching. Still, I trust God. With my life, my heart, my prayers, and in His outcomes. IMG_4115

The “good outcome” in my mind is not always “God’s best” in the timeless, all-knowing world of His Kingdom. I may never understand His ways this side of Heaven, but I can trust Him. He is listening. He is with us. He loves us perfectly, and whatever our moments contain or our outcomes become, He is using them for our good, when we trust in Him.

I don’t want to belabor this, for fear of sounding like Pollyanna. Or like I’ve arrived.  I’m not and I haven’t. I struggle. I know real intense sadness and pain. The girl meets guy story didn’t solve everything. We live in a fallen world, and we will have troubles. I also know God, and He is bigger than the darkness.  I am praying for you — the precious people who feel like their present situation will never end.

I was thinking about making an addendum to my post when I read today’s devotional from Michael Youssef — he says it well. God loves you; He is with you; and He is for you. Trust in Him.

March 15, 2014

Focus on Christ

By Michael Youssef, Ph.D.

DSC00072One of the hardest lessons we will ever learn is how to take a negative situation and turn it into a positive experience. In Psalm 23, King David reminds us that it is all a matter of faith and perspective. He writes, “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil for you are with me” (Psalm 23:4).

David’s words are stepping stones to a great faith. In fact, if we practice the principle that he lived, God will develop a conquering faith within our lives.

David lived with adversity and, from time to time, we will too. This is part of living life in a fallen world, but we do not have to live with feelings of defeat, discouragement and criticism.

You may be thinking: But you don’t know my circumstances. There is no way for you to understand the pressure I feel or the discouragement that plagues my heart.

While we can’t truly know or understand the hurt another person may be experiencing, we do know that there is one person who understands perfectly, and that is the wounded Healer Himself, Jesus Christ. He endured unimaginable pain—rejection, betrayal, temptation, and an excruciating death—all for us. He entered into our suffering so that we could live in His victory.

If you are looking for someone to identify with the pain that you are feeling, do what David did—realize there is One who is walking through the valley with you. No matter how dark life becomes, He will lead you on to ultimate victory in Him.

Prayer: God, as I face trials and discouragement, help me to remember that You understand what I’m going through. Help me to focus on You and to remember that I’m not alone. Amen.

“But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ” (1 Corinthians 15:57).

If you too have experienced faith-building darkness, I’m sure a comment with words of encouragement would help others. It’s Sunday now — we sang this in church, and I wanted to add a link:    Sovereign over Us — Aaron Keyes

 

Dating at Halftime

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hanging bridges above rain forest

It was late 2006. I had happily checked dating off my list in the 80s! I had never really thought about or planned on dating anyone at midlife… I didn’t want to be alone either. I was living on a bridge between two worlds, while being a part of neither. I was paralyzed, unable to move from defining myself as divorced to just me alone.

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sloth…

Then a friend invited me to a charity dinner, and offered me two tickets. Not one, to be a third wheel accompanying her and her husband, but two! She thought it was time for me to consider dating. The invitation was conditional and not too subtle — I had to invite someone to join me, to fill out her table.

My divorce had only been final for 4-5 months, but it took almost three years in process to get there. I hoped I would one day remarry, but I never really looked forward to dating. My limbo life was a weird “halftime” between relationships, with no guarantee of a second half. Turns out my adventures in dating would be part of the entertainment before the next half!

The prospect was scary, exciting, foreign, and hopeful — all at the same time. Dating had the potential of being beautiful — to consider  the possibility of falling in love with the right man — but it was also dangerous in that there was the potential for the sting of hurt and rejection.

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pretty man-o-war with wicked tentacles

Romance and relationship were FAR from my mind; I was more panicked. I wanted to go to the event, to tackle this “first date” hurdle, but I had no idea how to find a date,  just a companion for the night. Soon word got out, and through a friend of a friend type of deal, I was introduced to someone else with two tickets and no date to the same event. We trashed two tickets and agreed to go together. Problem one solved.

OH MY GOSH! I hadn’t been on a date in over 20 years! What would I wear? How would this work? Would he pick me up at my house? The logistics weren’t really the problem… this date wasn’t about my escort or the event. It was totally about how I saw myself. I had been living in a married world and seeing myself as a divorced woman, a misfit. An outsider in a familiar land. I had to shift, to leave behind my “scarlet D,” and rediscover who I was as a single woman.

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posionous blue jean frog of Costa Rica

The dress was more significant than for prom!  It was a black tie event, but the importance lay more in the transitioning — how I chose to present myself. I found a dress with spaghetti straps that I liked. Not wanting extra wardrobe malfunction stress, I had them sew in the proper undergarments. I picked up the dress just in time. The children were out for the night, and I began to get ready. All was going well, until the dress… You would think that it wouldn’t  be necessary to try it on after such a simple addition. Bad call. He was to pick me up in 15 minutes and the seamstress had missed her mark, twice. I looked like an alien with four breasts! Would I fall off the bridge?

IMG_2461I ran barefoot next door,  where my neighbor was with friends, to see if it looked as bad as I thought. They confirmed that It did, and I’m sure had a great belly laugh! Thankfully, my date was late, because of a child’s band practice, and I was able to solve the problem before he arrived! The night went off without a “hitch” in any sense of the word! The first date was the most difficult, and it was behind me.

There’s no perfect way to date after divorce. I’m just sharing my experience in hopes that it might benefit someone else. At a minimum, it might give you a few laughs! I put myself out there, vulnerable, and it was worth it!

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hummingbirds — happy miracle in a little package

In dating, I learned to text (2006) and to shoot a gun (just skeet).  😉  I tried many new things like four wheeling, being the only ones on the dance floor, hunting, horseback riding, skyping and biking for miles.  I wore high heels more often and learned to eat sushi. I had fun and laughed. I was set up by friends, family and even online. I got to know some nice men and learned a lot about myself.

I needed that season. God blessed and protected me with mostly good times with kind gentlemen. I’m sensitive to the fact that some women have bad experiences in dating. I was careful and clear about my own boundaries and motivation (getting to know myself and others).  Other than that, I don’t know why I was so blessed, but I really feel God protected me and I am thankful. There was definitely some hurt involved, but there usually is with growth. I believe God did guard my heart from unnecessary pain and from falling in love too soon.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAAfter a short while, this whirlwind of fun was beginning to feel empty. I appreciated all the new friendships, and I had needed to date, to have fun and to be desired. But it lost its allure fairly quickly. Then I actually met someone different from men I knew, and he possessed many qualities I wanted in a man. I was thinking more about a relationship now. We dated a short while. We both knew it wasn’t forever, and we needed to move on to whatever was ahead.  I can’t really say why we parted ways, but I know God was involved.

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well trodden path, colosseum in France

All the pain and rejection of divorce flooded me again — compounded by every rejection, lost hope, and dream of the last couple of years, as well as twenty years of  marriage. I went on a few more dates, but I was pretty sure I wouldn’t just date anyone again. The bar was set high by my one, short “relationship,” and I wouldn’t spend time with men I knew I wouldn’t marry.

I was the one-date wonder! I would go out with great men, and feel nothing. I think it was usually mutual. Three men in a row, including the special one I dated for a while, met their future wife — immediately after we went out! They all joyfully told me about their new relationships. While I was excited for them, I couldn’t help but wonder, why not me? I’d see strangers holding hands, and I hurt. It felt like I would always be alone. I felt as if God was playing a cruel joke on me! In reality, I needed to fully heal, and this was all part of it.

It was a tough time. It was also necessary, and God was with me in the most wonderful ways. I learned He really was enough. I hoped to one day meet the man I dreamed of, but I knew that if I didn’t, I was ok. God, Immanuel, was with me. My faith, trust and my relationship with Him deepened. I was lonely in the world, but I was content in my deepest soul. And I came to accept that  I really was loved by Him — personally.OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

My life was pretty good, and I was building it alone. In the strangest of circumstances, Rob and I were introduced. Before we ever met, I was drawn to his kind eyes and smile. We went out on a  Friday, then again on Saturday. By that second date, I felt at home with Rob. There’s no other way to describe it. We mutually fell in love faster than we were willing to admit out loud. Rob was my real life personification of Ephesians 3:20. “Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us,  to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.”  Rob was far better for me than I could have asked for or imagined.

Ephesians 3:20 comes AFTER Ephesians 3:11-19, and that was true in my life too.  “ I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being,  so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love,  may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ,  and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.”

DSC00067These verses were read aloud by my daughter at our wedding! Jesus is first in both our lives. I am frequently overwhelmed with thanks to God  for leading me to Rob, who is better suited for me than anyone I could have hoped for or dreamed of!

In a nutshell, nothing was possible unless I had ruthless trust in a worthy and BIG God. A God who loved me perfectly. Some observations I’ve looking back at that time:

  1. I was willing to be vulnerable and to risk the fear of rejection and pain. Trust God.
  2. I was committed to dating the way that I believed the Bible revealed God desired. Trust God.
  3. I was eventually unwilling to date a good man, just to be with someone, to avert my loneliness. Trust God.
  4. I was willing to say and believe, “I’m not entitled to earthly love, and God is enough. He is my portion, even if I don’t find love in a man.” Trust God.
  5. I only wanted to marry a man who loved God first and foremost. Trust God.
  6. I was willing to abandon fears from the past, and risk loving openly and trusting fully in marrying Rob, when it was clear God had introduced me to the one. Trust God.
  7. I’m committed for life to trusting God.OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

This is just a little of my experience and what God accomplished in me during the awkward process of midlife dating. It’s not a formula for dating or successfully finding the spouse of your dreams. But trusting God is essential  for living abundantly (John 10:10). Joy, Peace, and Love are His gifts to His children, regardless of our circumstances.

God used divorce and dating ( ROMANS 8:28) to teach me that I hadn’t fully accepted His perfect love as sufficient. He showed me that I still had major outside influences that I believed were necessary for my security, and He taught me what it meant to  trust Him with and in all my life — regardless of outcomes. He’s still working on all that.

It’s an ongoing process… I give Him control, I give Him my burdens, only to find I have soon grabbed them back with clenched fists. Surrender is daily, and even more often sometimes. But I know Who He is, how much He loves me and that He alone can be trusted with my whole  life — so I begin again. The Joy of surrender to Him is available to everyone.

 

 

 

Loneliness in Life Changes

2006 ArticleLoneliness is the most difficult challenge I face in my life as a newly divorced, single-mom. With the change and chaos that follows divorce, choosing #1 isn’t all that easy. Loneliness quickly rises to the top of my list, because I can’t readily fix it. Most of my problems can at least be improved, albeit in small increments, as I work on them. Loneliness, however, seems to go hand in hand with this new territory.

2014 Perspective:  When you read the definition below, it is easy to imagine how lonely the newly single parent’s life can be; “single,” unaccompanied,” and “solo” are even listed as synonyms for lonely! It is not so much that you have no friends, but more that you are solitary in responsibility for a life meant for two. Having no partner in family life — as parent, in the home, financially – is a big change from married. The 2nd definition really hits the target of how my heart felt at first – even in a crowd of friends, I felt isolated as I adjusted to all the changes in my life.

Definintion of Loneliness

1. 
sadness because one has no friends or company; the fact of being without companions; solitariness

2.
 (a place) the quality of being unfrequented and remote; isolation.

Webster lists related words that to me feel well suited to anyone who is feeling lonely.

IMG_3078Related Words unattended; forlorn, friendless; cloistered, disassociated, insulated, isolated, remote, retired, secluded, withdrawn; quarantined, segregated, separated, sequestered; separate, unattached, unconnected, unlinked; detached, disconnected, disjointed, dissociated, disunited, divided, fractionated; abandoned, adrift, deserted, desolate, forgotten, forsaken, neglected

2006 Article: Some divorced people begin dating and enter a relationship right away or before the divorce is actually final. This no doubt reduces feelings of loneliness. My choice was to not date before final dissolution, and I still don’t feel “ready.” My social life is mostly among married couples that are very sweet to invite me along. I appreciate all invitations… even the ones I decline. Despite generous hospitality and inclusiveness from friends, it’s a couple’s world. My separation and divorce period was long – over two years. During it, the fifth wheel position was safe and comfortable. Since my divorce is final, I’m realizing that I can’t stay the 5th wheel and thrive.

My “old” friends are golden, but I’m also looking for new friends at midlife. People whose schedules and needs better reflect my own. Understand, loneliness is very different from being alone. I need and relish my time alone. Loneliness is more the realization that I have no choice. No one cherishes me as life partner. It’s not possible or healthy for anyone to spend large chunks of time with me. No one shares my burdens: parenting, financial or day-to-day. It’s not that no one loves me – they do, and I am very thankful. However, in most decisions and even immense joys, I am alone. That hurts.IMG_3071

During my divorce process my sister gave me a hand-made quilt with Bible verses on the squares. I sobbed when I opened it. To be well loved by her was wonderful, but it was also a painful reminder of what was missing in my life. I cherish the quilt and it continues to give me comfort.  Relationships after my divorce became like sections in that patchwork quilt. I need to weave a lot of relationships together (and a lot of verses and prayers). While I have no one who can meet a majority of my emotional needs, I have many friends and family who are close and involved in my life. Together they form a rich community.

It’s also important to develop new divorced and otherwise single friends.  We fill a void for each other and nurture each other through this new life and loneliness in ways no one else can help. It takes courage to reach out to new people, and many times new activities. Often, I don’t even know where to find them, but I am trying. It means taking risks, leaving my comfort zone, and putting myself “out there.”

IMG_3072Loneliness also causes me to lean more deeply into my faith. God sustained and strengthened me through the divorce. He is there for me now. He is truly the only One who can fully love me, whether I’m single or married. I am still angry about much that has happened. I feel lonely and afraid; I rebel and resist His love. I refuse to pray, then lash out and cry. He handles it all and loves me still. I always gratefully come back to Him, and He gives more love and understanding than I could ever imagine.

Despite the reality of loneliness, my faith and almost all my other relationships have grown in the last year or so. I have decidedly moved on from some relationships. Other friendships have deepened and improved. And new exciting friendships are on my horizon.  They represent people I never might have met without this adversity. Ironically, even with the loneliness, I feel relationally enriched, despite the loss of my marriage. God is good!

2014 Perspective: Now I am married to the man beyond what I could have hoped for or imagined. We share about everything in life; I am blessed beyond measure. Still, at times I feel lonely. Is it true for all of us? Possibly God designed us that way to assure that we would always be drawn to Him — the only one who can meet our deepest need. The God-sized place that nothing else can fill is definitely in my heart. And He is enough.IMG_3077

But there is something else I believe He put in us. There is the loneliness I feel, when I’m not connected in meaningful ways to other people (even beyond family). Our Triune God, after all, is relational first and foremost — Father, Son and Holy Spirit. I think He made us to live connected with each other. He made us to share our lives with friends, strangers, and family in a myriad of significant ways. When I am too isolated from other people (and all this moving and change has made it so), I experience a more short-lived but pervasive loneliness all over again. Perhaps it is part of being human — made in the image of God — that I crave meaningful relationships. Today, it is still important that I am vulnerable and risk forming connections. I still need to be open to what God has in store relationally, and risk “putting myself out there”

The loneliness of divorce is unique in many ways, and I in no way want to minimize it. I remember desperately wanting a magic wand to stop the pain. At times I think I would have given up segments of my life, just to get to the other side of all I felt. God took me through it all, not around it.  All I can offer those who are unwillingly single is compassion, empathy and hope. But even hope is a delicate offering. When I was first separated, a minister told me he was certain I would be laughing again in five years. He meant well and was actually correct in my case. But his comment offered no solace. It didn’t validate my pain and more accurately made me feel misunderstood and more lonely. I don’t want to make that mistake with a reader.

IMG_3084It’s important that we, as friends and family, come alongside those who are lonely for any reason. We can be there when someone needs to cry, or vent, or talk, or be silent. As far as it’s possible we can enter into the joys, sorrows and everydayness of her life and offer little pieces for her “quilt of comfort.” The more history someone has with pain and loneliness, the more easily she can remember God’s faithfulness before and believe in the hope of tomorrow .

Something else I’ve learned is all this change didn’t come only from being divorced. Rob and I sometimes lament the fact that we are still building the infrastructure of our lives at midlife. It takes a lot of our energy, and we thought this would have all been long done by 50. Instead since our mid forties, we have moved, remodeled, tried to “blend” families, started a new business, tried to make friends, when so many our age are already settled in groups. We helped to moved one of our 5 children for a total of 8 moves in the summer of 2013, and we didn’t even help with all the moves they made! I’ve gone from single to married. From full time mom and part time student to empty-nester to step mom then again, empty nester. To full time employed and back again to part time! I’m now trying to find the balance — more infrastructure to be built.

While we may have more building projects than those celebrating a 25th or 30th anniversary, I see similarities in their lives too. The empty nest and midlife contain many  catalysts.  Heart attacks, cancer, selling a business, retirement, grandchildren, financial changes, moves and down-sizing — all can cause us to look at life differently.

IMG_0507I am not a victim of divorce. I put the past behind and look with hope to the future. Loneliness, growing and “remodeling” are a part of every healthy life.

I will be 50 in July. What better opportunity to re-evaluate my life and seek to live the life I believe. What better time to recommit to seeking HIs Kingdom first. I’m evaluating my level of surrender and willingness to let God work through me. What is really my heart and focus. According to Gandhi, “Action expresses priorities.”  What does my life say? I have much more experience, knowledge and understanding from almost 50 years lived — and they all point me toward more humility and a deeper understanding of the vastness of God, my position in HIm,  and how little I actually understand.  To more gratitude and more desire for Him and doing His will.

Loneliness and a myriad of other adversities in life drive us deeper into dependence on the One who is worthy. Nothing is wasted. “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”  Romans 8:28 This verse sustained me through the loneliness of divorce, and continues to today!

More to come on busyness, priorities, and midlife. I welcome your comments at the bottom of this page! God’s Blessings and  my prayers for the lonely reader. I have been there.