Category Archives: waiting

Is Your Best Really Enough? Or Could it be the Root of Your Problem?

February 28, 2017Busyness, heart of prayer, personal growth, waitinglouise

I asked a simple question during my morning prayers yesterday. “What is true about me, Jesus?”

Why am I struggling with things that should be simple? Why am I stressed? Sad? Confused? Tired? Romans 8:27 says, “He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God.” He can tell me what’s true about myself with more clarity, accuracy and purity than I can possibly muster.

I know John 16:33 says, “I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.” I’m not referring to these “normal” trials and problems — though they certainly happen — and can sometimes be consequences of my heart’s condition.

I’m talking about subtleties. The tears that were present just behind my eyes all day yesterday; yet I couldn’t quite put a name them. The tension in my neck and shoulders. The confusion about my future and today’s big decisions. Even with my limited understanding, I was pretty sure that a large part of my problems and these feelings… began within me.

When I asked, “What is true about me, Jesus?” the following words came to me in my prayer journaling — I believe at the prompting of the Holy Spirit.

“You try to run in your own strength without returning to me to receive my resurrection power. What you receive from your time with me is quickly “used up,” but often you don’t sense your spiritual depletion. Being spiritually dry feels “normal” because so much of your life has been lived performing outside of my abundance. You begin in surrender with a heart focused on me, but quickly shift to dependence on your natural gifts and abilities instead of me. Learn to see your negative emotions as indicators of your desperate need to seek my face frequently and regularly.”

The thought isn’t new, but the words ring true. I am humbled and saddened at the thought that I can forget Him so easily, and go at it on my own — even with good intentions. I know that “Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.” (James 1:17) I also know that John 15:4-5 says, “Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.” Scripture backs up my journaling, as it always must. When I push forward in my own strength — I find myself tired. Confused. Overwhelmed. Sad.

As I was writing this post, I was reminded that the verse from John I quoted above is the answer to a question. I looked back for context — planning to transition to today’s devotion from My Utmost for His Highest (below). I hadn’t realized before, but I was looking at the same verse — different translations!

Here is the expanded context I looked up from John 16:30-33 in The Message.

His disciples said, “Finally! You’re giving it to us straight, in plain talk—no more figures of speech. Now we know that you know everything—it all comes together in you. You won’t have to put up with our questions anymore. We’re convinced you came from God.”

Jesus answered them, “Do you finally believe? In fact, you’re about to make a run for it—saving your own skins and abandoning me. But I’m not abandoned. The Father is with me. I’ve told you all this so that trusting me, you will be unshakable and assured, deeply at peace. In this godless world you will continue to experience difficulties. But take heart! I’ve conquered the world.”

When God repeats Himself, I’ve learned to listen. Below is today’s Utmost for HIs Highest devotional that underscored my prayer time message (words in parenthesis are my commentary).

“Now we believe….” (I’ve been telling Jesus, I Believe! I want to live trusting and surrendered to YOU!) But Jesus asks, “Do you…? Indeed the hour is coming…that you…will leave Me alone” John 16:31-32. Many Christian workers have left Jesus Christ alone and yet tried to serve Him out of a sense of duty, or because they sense a need as a result of their own discernment. (That’s been me at times… and it seems harmless, even “good” and fruitful). The reason for this is actually the absence of the resurrection life of Jesus. Our soul has gotten out of intimate contact with God by leaning on our own religious understanding. See Proverbs 3:5-6. This is not deliberate sin and there is no punishment attached to it. But once a person realizes how he has hindered his understanding of Jesus Christ, and caused uncertainties, sorrows, and difficulties for himself, it is with shame and remorse that he has to return. (Here I am Lord! I believe; help my unbelief!)

We need to rely on the resurrection life of Jesus on a much deeper level than we do now. (Amen!) We should get in the habit of continually seeking His counsel on everything, (I’m planning to really expand on what seeking His counsel on EVERYTHING looks like for me) instead of making our own commonsense decisions and then asking Him to bless them. (This one has gotten me into trouble more than once! He always forgives… but there are consequences.) He cannot bless them; it is not in His realm to do so, and those decisions are severed from reality. If we do something simply out of a sense of duty, we are trying to live up to a standard that competes with Jesus Christ. We become a prideful, arrogant person, thinking we know what to do in every situation. (OUCH! Thank you for your forgiveness.) We have put our sense of duty on the throne of our life, instead of enthroning the resurrection life of Jesus. We are not told to “walk in the light” of our conscience or in the light of a sense of duty, but to “walk in the light as He is in the light…” 1 John 1:7. When we do something out of a sense of duty (or relying on our own common sense, talents and even spiritual gifts), it is easy to explain the reasons for our actions to others. But when we do something out of obedience to the Lord, there can be no other explanation— just obedience. That is why a saint can be so easily ridiculed and misunderstood. (I have felt this kind of “misunderstood” by man and it’s NOT comfortable… but oh how sweet it is knowing I’m right where Jesus asked me to be.)

(http://utmost.org/do-you-now-believe/)

Can you relate? In my journaling, He went on to say…

Overeating? Seek me.
Tired? Rest in Me.
Stressed? Give it to me.
Confused? Ask me.

“Not just in your journal and “prayer time,” but all day. And when you speak to Me, don’t just shoot a missile you hope lands in my earshot. Stop. Turn your attention to Me. Speak. Silence. Wait. Expect My answer. You can accomplish this even as your body continues moving if necessary… but wait for Me to answer, because you believe I will.”

James 1:5-7 “If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But he must ask in faith, without doubting, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not expect to receive anything from the Lord.…”

Matthew 21:22 “If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer.”

Thank you, Jesus, for your answer that’s as simple as my question. I believe, Lord, help my unbelief! Amen.

It’s About Time! Musings at Midlife

January 30, 2017Busyness, heart of prayer, Like a little child, Mid life, Purpose, sandwich generation, waitinglouise

Midlife and the Empty Nest. I’m many years into both but still searching to understand this new rhythm and stride. Shouldn’t someone have written What to Expect when I’m Expecting — but don’t Know What?

In my experience, the freedom is intoxicating at first. You do fun things you couldn’t fit in before. The bucket list remains and can serve as a defining focus. Carpe diem!

But if we listen there are other voices. Sometimes an edge of loneliness creeps in with the absence of structured opportunities for socializing with other parents. Often there are the added distractions of illness, menopause, weight gain, elderly parents, job shifts, relational shifts, moves, children’s graduations, jobs, weddings, and/ or those absolutely wonderful grand babies…

Time marches on. Circumstances multiply and keep coming at us, as if we’re drinking from a fire hydrant. Nothing is quite as it was. I call this perfect storm being in the sandwich generation.

Time especially has become an unrecognizable commodity.

On paper, I have all sorts of “freed up” time. But somehow my reality is that I’m pushed, pulled and distracted. Busy but without even a vague notion of just what it is I’m accomplishing. At least not in a “big picture” sense. And the clock’s rotations seem ever faster.

In childhood it seemed there was an eternity between holidays and all the markers of my calendar. Time meant nothing to me outside the present moment and whatever was just ahead.

In my 20s, 30s, even into my 40s, I meandered through my days with anticipation. I still remember what I wore on those milestone birthdays (now I can’t remember if I’ve done laundry this week). It felt like THIS season was the REAL LIFE I had always dreamed of. I had all the time in the world.

But in midlife, time is moving faster! I’d swear I was at the dentist just before Christmas — but I’m due my 6 month appointment! I find myself thinking “that went so fast” about everything.

In my heart I’m a young mother with a family to raise. In reality the kids have been adults for a while, and the stranger in my mirror has pills to take each morning. I’m living a favorite phrase of my Granny’s, “Tempus do Fugit,” but I’m not sure how to respond? I feel an urgency to get life figured out.

I’m conflicted about how to save and spend my time. I’m protective in scheduling, but not sure for what purpose. Not only did I not plan for this stage, I never really believed I’d be here!

The angst makes sense not only because of my denial, but also because midlife is a major transition — the process of changing from one state to another. Beyond the family dynamics — the physical, emotional, and spiritual adjustments are forces to be reckoned with.

What is my purpose, God willing, these 25-30+ years I’m already inhabiting, but without an instruction manual (sounds like bringing the 1st baby home… sigh). Who am I besides what I’ve known? I know God is calling me to something else — but the particulars are not yet clear.

I’ve been trying to give myself grace in the questioning and to live in patient expectation. To be comfortable with this in between and experiment my way to the answers — allowing for missteps and mistakes along the way. Admittedly, it’s hard.

Even the same old, same old often feels very different today. The once comfortable is ill-fitting, like a well-worn glove that’s been molded on someone else’s hand. One part of me is ready to discard it to make room for tomorrow’s new thing; another is holding on to that glove, as if it is Life.

What is it I feel… is it lonely? Lost? Or a new sort of peace? I’m befuddled. I want desperately to engage in something that’s not yet here, and I’m oddly protective of my Time, so I don’t miss it when it arrives.

Ambivalence. Juxtapositions. Change.

I looked around yesterday and realized I’ve become a stranger in my own home. A month after Christmas an almost dead poinsettia is still on the coffee table along with a strand of Christmas lights that went half dark while still on the tree. A Swiffer has long been propped in the kitchen near the ever-cluttered island counter. My bed isn’t made. But the house doesn’t mind; no one is bustling in and out. And Rob and I no longer “see it” or care quite in the same ways as we once did.

I am not this person! …Or am I…?

I used to enjoy having a well-used, but almost always tidy home. A full refrigerator and pantry were a given as we were a “hub” of activity. Meals were fed and clean sheets offered to the predictable tides of friends and family. Happy times for a mom who loves hospitality.

But my truth today IS different. I’m frustrated with the late afternoon taunt in my head, “what’s for supper?” It’s just the two of us — that’s not the cooking I understand or enjoy! The fridge is all but bare, save the outdated produce and dreaded “healthy” additions like coconut milk and kale — neither of which I had heard of when I was young and skinny. But alas, the battle of the bulge is lost if we’re not fighting. There is no cease fire. Culinary enjoyment removed until the next holidays or party.

I resent the dust, laundry, clutter and such that perseveres in its attack to wear me down. Yet it feels frivolous to have someone else help too often with the everyday stuff — when it’s just the two of us.

Rob left a great career in corporate America, to make a change. Am I different? Could it be OK to shift my entire focus? To let go of what’s worked so well? Is it time for something altogether new?

Homemaking distracts me and pulls me away, but from what? Exploring. Purpose. Meaning. I’m restless, but certain God is up to Something…

My sense of time. My priorities. My friendships and involvements — they’re all changing. A metamorphosis is taking place. I’ve been in the cocoon for a while — but I’m emerging. I can feel it. Life has been defined by my own little red wagon. God charged me with certain roles and responsibilities. Certain people and places. And now, my purpose is less clear.

But one thing He is speaking loud a clear… I am so much more aware of eternity. His Kingdom. Biblical Truths I have always heard but couldn’t absorb are becoming Life to me.

My world is increasingly complex and confusing — with many demands on me and my time, making it easy to get lost and perplexed as to what’s next. What’s important.

Philippians 3:13-14 says, “…one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.”

It is critical to my peace and well-being to nurture and strengthen my relationship with Jesus.

Direct answers to my question of “what’s next?” have been elusive. But God reminds me of Matthew 8:3 and my need to be more childlike: embracing patience. Being present wherever I am — in the moment without worrying about the next. Humble. Dependent. Trusting. Expectant. Full of awe and wonder. So much easier said than done.

To relish focused time with my Papa first and foremost helps all else fall into its proper place. He’s reminding me of what it is to be “like a little child,” for there is much there that connects me to the kingdom of heaven.

I have 52 years of His faithfulness to draw on as I trust Him. At His feet, I’m finding rest and renewal. Life. For now that — with hope and faith in the future God already knows — is enough.

All will come, in His Time.

When Everything Around You Is Changing

September 18, 2015Freedom, heart of prayer, Mid life, Purpose, waitinglouise

The planned rhythm of my days was only an illusion. My veiled attempt to bring comfort, understanding and safety to a wild, wild world.

My stress level was too high. I‘m not alone. ABC News reported that “Gallup Healthways Well Being Index show that women ages 45 to 64 have the lowest well being of any age group or gender.” For the first time ever, women may NOT outlive their spouses.

God gently told me to “stop.” I did, and here I am in an uneasy transition. I’m very busy on the surface with the day-to-day privilege of loving my husband, 2 parents, 5 children and many friends — all while planning 2 weddings and maintaining a normal household and schedule (much like you, I’m sure).

Yet as far as formal serving, life goals and purpose go, I’m being much more than I’m doing. What’s happening in me seems to be more significant than the obvious disturbance caused by the empty nest of a Mid-life Mom… Who am I and What am I to Do?

I was recently asked, “what are you doing now that you aren’t working?” I started describing my recent flurry of proudly productive busyness — then stopped.

While a consumer of my time, my to-do list is not my life’s purpose. Not the a real answer to their question. I shifted, “I’m not doing much beyond waiting to hear from God what He has next for me.”

We all felt the awkward silence. Graciously my friend asked, “Are you still playing tennis?”

“Not much, but we are on Young Life Board.” I caved. The respectability of a definable position and purpose eased the uncomfortableness of the moment. The conversation shifted — I avoided prolonged awkwardness and with it intimacy, depth and authenticity.

It occurred to me that I needed to take to heart the ways God has been validating my journey and to be willing to share the uneasy nature of my current season.

You know how when God has a theme for you, it starts appearing in various forms from every direction? Well that’s what’s been happening.

God has asked me to take a step forward — out of my race car into a simpler life (like my Granny’s?). To let go of what’s aways worked and defined “Life” for me and to embrace an unknown, unrevealed future.

I’m reminded of the “already, but not yet” nature of our salvation. Is the Kingdom of God a future reality to be hoped for or a present truth to be experienced? The answer is both. We enjoy many blessings here, but nothing compared to our heavenly inheritance. We can grow and overcome, but we’ll never find perfection on this earth. Jesus has already defeated death, sin and Satan, but we must still fight the war… you get the picture.

He’s called me into the unknown. I know I’ve already stepped into it by faith, but I don’t know what it is — not yet. I’ve been in similar places. Where the rug was seemingly pulled from under me, life took an unexpected turn — I plunged head first into new territory, and God was faithful. Looking back it’s clear that my most important growth has intersected with life changes and transitions.

I’m rarely hospitable when Change first knocks at my door — sometimes it has to bust in. But when God makes it clear that my soul is clay in His hands, I’ve learned to trust Him. He always makes me more fully myself.

This time, His invitation was gentle. In some ways the subtlety makes it harder to trust that He’s at work. But I have faith that the growth He’s already accomplishing won’t be wasted, even though my path isn’t easily defined or labelled.

Following are some general messages I’ve repeatedly encountered during this already but not yet transition. Things God has been nudging me to live out — helping me to see there is divine purpose in this weird limbo. They all point to fixing my eyes on Jesus and walking in His Truth — always a good strategy.

1. Quit criticizing and complaining.
Negativity is derived from an erroneous belief in perfection. If you’re in a habit of pointing out the bad, switch it around! Point out the positive attributes of a rainy day, an overbearing person, a traffic jam… Perfection is a lie for this world, BUT beauty is all around us.

“This is the day that the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.” (Psalm 118:24)

“Therefore encourage one another and build each other up” (1 Thes 5:11)

“Do not judge, and you will not be judged.Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.” (Luke 6:37)

2. Quit glamorizing and reliving the past. Life is in the present moment! If your mind is focused on the past with either longing or regret, not only does it detract from the present, but sometimes you totally miss God’s opportunities. The past is being used by God for your good — no matter how it went down. Today you have gifts to share and people to love. Be fully present.

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33)

“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.” (Isaiah 43:18-19)

3. Be Disciplined. Paul said, “…I take every thought (and project) prisoner to make it obey Christ….” (2 Cor 10:5, parenthesis mine) Much work done in the name of “Christian living” hasn’t been disciplined, but is birthed through personal impulse and desire. Every undertaking of Jesus was disciplined to the will of His Father — “the Son can do nothing of Himself…” (John 5:19).

Be real — what do we usually do? We jump into every project that seems good, worthy, interesting, fun… immediately, instead of quietly and methodically seeking Christ’s will for us first (This is not to say you can’t respond in the moment, but from a life of abiding).

“Practical work for Christians is greatly overemphasized today… But true determination and zeal are found in obeying God, not in the inclination to serve Him that arises from our own undisciplined human nature.” (My Utmost for His Highest) Though we are well-meaning, we are often simply doing “for God” things we have instigated ourselves.

“Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.” (Romans 12:2)

4. Love. Is God really my number one love? Do I even try to love my neighbor as myself? I’m not sure who my neighbor is in our modern world — or sometimes what loving looks like. The Greatest Commandment is certainly worthy of my contemplative prayer.

“‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.'” (Matthew 22:37-39)

I don’t have it figured out — far from it! My overwhelming reality is that when I get to heaven, I will realize how far from His way I have lived. But I feel thankfulness and hope in this, not condemnation or despair. Thankfulness for the time and freedom to seek His face, and hope that He is transforming me and my life daily to better reflect Him.

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