Category Archives: divorce

Porch Reflections

February 28, 2014divorce, Freedom, gratitude, personal growth, Purpose, Uncategorizedlouise

last night's sunset — last night’s sunset

Hello again. I haven’t posted to Pink Reflections in a while…

It’s not that I’ve grown weary with writing, frustrated with my lack of understanding in navigating the blogger’s world, or fallen back into the fear of sharing my creative efforts that seem to pale in comparison to all I read (though all of those are temptations). I just haven’t finished any of the eleven blog drafts I am working on!

Nor have I felt an insistent nudge to write NOW about THIS — like I did a few days before Christmas when I stopped my shopping and scurrying to sit down and pour my (new) thoughts on paper in a one or two hour sitting. All my posts aren’t like that. Others start as a ‘series’ in my mind, are tumbled about and typed and edited over a day or two, weeks or even months.

My remaining unpublished reflections from the 2003-2006 period of life I ominously call, “the divorce,” have not drawn me in to add my 2014 perspective. Sometimes I just don’t want to go there. I want to write about wonderful, joyful, encouraging things. The truth is that God’s work in my divorce is ALL those things. To revisit that time and to share is to be generous with what God has given me. I will soon return to writing about “the divorce,” because it is in the posts reflecting on all God taught me through that pain — your comments reveal — God touched the most women. Thank you for your comments, here and on facebook. They are a tremendous source of encouragement and blessings for me!

This post is different. I am sitting sipping my coffee in a fuzzy cow’s hide rocking chair on my porch at Alligator Point. It is a beautiful morning, and oh so peaceful. Through many years, this sanctuary has been where God has best communicated His love for me, His desires for me, His delight in Me, His gifts to me, and His awe-inspiring majesty and character. God and I love to be together here. I feel His pleasure, His love, and gratitude overflows.

Of course there is nothing magical about this porch. God is available and longing to be with me always! It is my heart that is changed when I am here. Alligator Point is a beautifully slow place — where the urgent is forgotten and all that’s important rises to the surface. God’s presence rolls in as persistently as the waves. I cannot lose Him in the curious play of the dolphin. the soaring dives of the pelicans, the unique hilarity of the flying fish, the warmth of the sand, the exhilaration of the wind, the timidity of the sea turtle, the energy of dogs on the beach, the amazement and joy of little children in the sand and surf, the sunrises and sunsets…. even that list could fill 100 blogs! But if you’ve ever been to the beach (or your special place), you get it.

this morning's sunrise and the promise and joy of a new day! — this morning’s sunrise and the promise and joy of a new day!

As I was reading through Paul’s Epistles in The Message (all references in this post will be from The Message), I felt a nudge… “just write and share some of what you are learning, believing and thinking as we’re together.” So with no form or forethought, here are a few things the Holy Spirit has placed in my heart… I am writing them in ‘His voice’ as they come to me in my time with HIm. I have prayed this way for years — inspired by the little devotional, “God Calling” (which also inspired the wonderful and popular Jesus Calling). These are my words, my prayers, as I feel the Holy Spirit speaking to me today. I invite you into our conversation, and pray you will be blessed and only that which Jesus desires you to see or hear will come to you.

Be yourself. Fully alive as I created you. Share all that you are. Do not be afraid. I am always with you. I adore in you. I will always love you.

Stop striving and trying so hard to be good. To do things for me. Why do you return to that life? You know I simply want our hearts joined in love and friendship. That is all you must do. Open yourself to me in daily surrender. The rest is up to me. Don’t feel you need to start a new work. Open your heart to the filling of my love and let it pour through you as you open your heart to others.

When you feel tears as you did last night, notice. your heart, where my Holy Spirit dwells, I am speaking to you. Draw near to Me. Spend time listening to me — to know my will for you in this. Let me heal you and guide you in touching others.

Gratitude! See me and acknowledge me in all things throughout your days. Let praise and thanksgiving be spontaneous outpourings. Nothing exists without My hand. All is attributable to me. In ALL things, give thanks. Worship me with your whole life!

Prayer is crucial. Prayer is time spent with me. Sharing your heart. Listening. Agreeing with Me. Adoration. Notice how with your husband gone, you want to text Him a greeting in the morning, share little thoughts throughout the day, and go to bed with ‘goodnight’ and ‘I love you’ whispered from your lips. How much more I long to be with you all day long! I have given you this wonderful earthly relationship as a reflection of my love. As wonderful as it is, I AM loves you infinitely and perfectly. I am perfect love. Enjoy your husband in gratitude to me, but also let your marriage point you to Me! I am your top priority, your sufficiency, your first love. “Seek first the kingdom of God and all these other things shall be given to you.”

What I did while on earth, continues on… I live through you and all my children! Please don’t squander a moment. I created you. You bear my image. Do not censor or hide who you are, who I am — or the world will be deprived of the uniqueness in you that speaks of me. You are nothing without me, but you reflect the very LIFE of Christ through my Holy Spirit in you! Live as if you believe in your heart all that you know in your mind is true! Let me cover your doubts and insecurities with My love and assurance. I cannot tell you how excited I am for you to live this wide open life! Smallness, scarcity, and fears come from within. Open your life fully to Me and others. Live openly and expansively! “My grace is enough; it’s all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness.” 2 Corinthians 12

“The person who lives in right relationship with God does it by embracing what God arranges for him. Doing things for God is the opposite of entering into what God does for you.” Galatians 3 It really does begin and end with ME! Let go of the old life. The old ways. The world’s ways. Look for ways to draw near to Me. To join Me. And I will draw near to you and make your path known. “When you attempt to live by your own religious plans and projects, you are cut off from Christ, you fall out of grace.” Galatians 5

“Make a careful exploration of who you are and the works you have been given, and then sink yourself into that. Don’t be impressed with yourself. Don’t compare yourself to others. Each of you must take responsibility for doing the creative best you can with your own life.” Galatians 6 Remembering that it is I who equips you. You are perfectly suited for the work I prepared for you in advance. To the world it sounds harsh and limiting to say, ‘it is all about God, not you.’ But you know, in this there is great freedom! It’s not up to you! Respond to Me and let Me work through you. You will be blessed beyond measure.

“It is in Christ we find out who we are and what we are living for.” Ephesians 1 I AM is your answer. Put down your books for a while — possibly the 40 days of lent? This is not meant to be a rule to follow, but your joy. Put down you other good and worthy books, blogs and devotionals, and devote that time to Me — to prayer and My living Word. Let’s get close and intimate for a while to be sure you are clear on who you are in Me. Then, I will send you out in confidence to LIVE IT! To live out your inheritance. To join Me in the work I am doing! I have been preparing you for this time. Do not rely on your natural abilities; I am equipping you. Trust me. Cling to Me. I love you. Soon we will run on the road I am calling you to travel!

Watch what I do and do it! I love you! Love others as I have loved you. I am generous and extravagant with My love! Since all you offer flows from me, you draw from the same storehouses… Love as I have loved you. And fill the very air you breathe with thanksgiving and praise as you go. Celebrate Me everyday in every moment. Make it clear to all you meet that it is your joy to love and encourage them. Think about that. Everyone. Remember you are called to love even your enemies, and pray for them. Generosity knows no boundaries!

Be bold in sharing Me. When people hear of Who I am and all I have done, they cannot help but respond to My greatness! “The Message bears fruit and gets larger and stronger, just as it has in you.” Colossians 1 Share yourself with others and reveal me. Trust me to water the seed and grow the faith. All is done in and through Me. “Christ is in you, therefore you can look forward to sharing in God’s glory. It’s that simple.” Colossians 1 “Entering into this fullness is not something you figure out or achieve. … No, you’re already in … through what Christ has already gone through for you, destroying the power of sin .. God brought you alive right along with Christ! Colossians 2 Join me in all I am doing! Be alert and aware of Me through daily, intimate relationship. Pray that you will see the doors I open for you, and let me guide you to make the most of every opportunity. All things are possible with Me.

Prayer: Lord Jesus, Abba… I am so humbled before you. Thank you for loving me so well and giving to me so generously. Thank you for this little piece of heaven where we meet so intimately. I lift to You my prayers for anyone who reads these words that nothing will enter their minds and hearts that is not good and pleasing to You. I pray that you will bless them and grow their personal relationships with you, wherever they are today. I pray that all the readers of my blog will seek Your Word, the Bible, to know You and Your truths for themselves. I pray that they will know your salvation. And with it, Your love, peace and joy. In your precious name, Jesus, I pray. Amen

Recently Single

January 16, 2014divorce, personal growthlouise

Article #3 (see explanation) written in 2006, just after my divorce was final. 2014 perspective added.

2006 article: At 40, if nothing else, my life’s direction seemed decided. There was a predictable rhythm to my days and years that bordered on a comfortable rut. I knew my marriage wasn’t all I wanted — but these were the busy years with children. I was slightly dis-illusioned and weary, but enjoying my role as mom. I was on well-known terrain and lived in a level of denial regarding my marriage that left me at least well functioning. I took relational solace in the fact that empty nesters reconnect, right? Soon the kids would be grown. We’d travel, fall in love again, and enjoy the “good life” before reaching the dreaded “golden years.”

A week before my 42nd birthday, I find myself a very different person living a totally different life. I have a divorce under my belt and a new name on my driver’s license. Six weeks into divorced life, nothing feels certain. I love my children, and thankfully they live with me; however, one is in college, and the other two are busy teens. My once bustling household alternates between overflowing with children, and emptiness. Just me, alone. This is the beginning of the stage I had once romanticized as reconnection time…

My house is for sale. My budget unresolved. Health insurance a quagmire. My savings shifted. Trust is shattered, taxes extended, friendships altered. I am battle weary and need a vacation, but instead, I have simply been relocated to a different “front line.”

One of the most difficult realizations of the last weeks is that “divorce” doesn’t really end the web of consequences created by marriage and shared children. Final dissolution, as they call it, is a misnomer. Divorce requires interactions with my ex regarding topics we never discussed in marriage. The five year plan (as I dubbed the time left with children at home) and the future beyond loom large and intimidating blank canvases before me. I never dreamed of this life.

Many ask, “how are you doing?” with understandable looks of pity and concern. Most would be uncomfortable with the truth, so I say, “Thanks, I’m fine.” Then they ask about the children, and I respond, “they’re rocking along,” because my heart, broken for them, cannot bear to say more. I believe divorce is a better outcome for my children than living in the disfunction that we called home. But they deserve so much more — and I am keenly aware of how powerless I am to provide all they need.

Please do not misunderstand my comments and hear that I am ungrateful for concern or that you shouldn’t ask the newly divorced how they are. My world is turned on end, and your acknowledgement of that is caring, real, and greatly appreciated. It’s just that I don’t always want to talk about it. Sometimes it is all I can do to get through the moment, and the “divorce situation” needs to be blocked out. Other times, I slip up and say more than I intended, because my emotions are raw, and I’m still trying to understand what I feel. Please forgive the awkwardness of our conversation. As my psychologist says (yes, counseling helps a lot), “you will be nutty for a few months. It’s OK and it won’t last.”

Already I have realized what poor support I was for my friends who divorced before me. It’s just hard to understand that which you fear for yourself, or that which you cannot fathom. My learning curve has been steep. I’ve faced head on every lie in my marriage and many of my own shortcomings and mistakes. I’ve navigated the legal system, learned I am my own best advocate, increased my financial acumen, and should earn an honorary degree in marriage and family counseling! (I am in no way minimizing the value of a licensed therapist.) I have grown in confidence, faith and maturity. I’ve learned much more on every subject than I did in four years of college.

I am different, and therefore my relationships must adjust. Sadly, several friends have fallen by the wayside. My therapist explained it in two ways that I found to be beneficial illustrations: “salt and light” and “my store.” Hearing his theories may help both those who are involved in divorce and their friends to relate better to the inevitable changes occurring.

If my old life and relationships were represented by a store, I was mostly undercharging or giving everything away (remaining in a bad marriage usually robs you of personal boundaries). I attracted people who felt comfortable with me. As my life changed and I became more emotionally healthy, I metaphorically began charging a fair price for my goods. Some merchandise is eliminated and new items emerge. Now if I have a sale, or give away merchandise — it is a conscious choice. Of course, I make mistakes, but overall, I run a better store.

This change rocked the worlds of the regulars at my store. Some adjusted and remained loyal customers. They were the more healthy people who adapt and grow in life. They eventually appreciated the healthy changes I made and adapted with their own healthy response. Another group of customers were mad that I raised my prices to a competitive rate, and they left in a huff. They were the ones who cannot bear change, possibly because it disturbs their fragile reality. Others, who were never comfortable with my dysfunctional business, happily became regular customers. They are the truly healthy and emotionally high functioning people.

2014 perspective: I was blessed that not many friends “chose sides” in my divorce. This is yet another very painful experience. The changes above are those inevitable shifts in relationships that occurred precisely because I am a new person. In looking deeply at my life, my sins, my marriage and the inevitable path of divorce, all that had remained private or at least in the shadows of dysfunction came under the light for dissection. I sought wise Biblical counseling (which I highly recommend as essential) throughout the process, and God began transforming me from the inside out. Those around me were either attracted to the light and authenticity (and welcomed God’s work in their own life), or they were repelled, which introduces the 2nd theory from my therapist.

God uses all things for good — including divorce. Please hear no arrogance or boast in the following analogy. I am a sinner still and humbled that God might use anything in me or my life for His purposes and His Glory. In the divorce process and after, I began to more fully offer my life (all of it, not just my marriage) to God for examination. I became more aware of my sin, more honest and real with myself, and more vulnerable and authentic to others. Daily I want to be more dependent and surrendered to His will. Only when I am truly in this posture can God’s light and salt be used through me. My flesh still often gets in the way. But in the middle of divorce and the aftermath, I was raw and desperate for HIm.

2006 article: “Salt and light” — The Message (MSG) Matthew 5:13-16

“Let me tell you why you are here. You’re here to be salt-seasoning that brings out the God-flavors of this earth. If you lose your saltiness, how will people taste godliness? You’ve lost your usefulness and will end up in the garbage.

Here’s another way to put it: You’re here to be light, bringing out the God-colors in the world. God is not a secret to be kept. We’re going public with this, as public as a city on a hill. If I make you light-bearers, you don’t think I’m going to hide you under a bucket, do you? I’m putting you on a light stand. Now that I’ve put you there on a hilltop, on a light stand—shine! Keep open house; be generous with your lives. By opening up to others, you’ll prompt people to open up with God, this generous Father in heaven.”

I was mildly salty and dimly lit two years ago. While I can’t really see it, I am told that Godly counseling, facing reality and divorce, the ensuing humility, dependence, and repentance — all have evidently allowed God to fill me with more of His salt and light. In my exposed state, I rub against others and the salt of God’s work in me is either painful in or healing to their own wounds. His light of Truth (as I face the denial and disfunction in my own life) is either welcomed or repulsive to those around me. In short, people either want to be affected by what God is doing in my life, or they do not. Neutral is not an issue with God. The more closely the sin and deception in their lives mirrors my own, the stronger will be their reactions.

Neither the gains or losses are about me. God is at work. Many friends politely fall away. I don’t try to guess why. Some are angry; I let them go. Others reach out to me, and I am grateful. God is mysterious and always good. Acceptance, not understanding, needs to be my goal.

As a newly divorced woman (wow, that’s hard to write), I am navigating new and uncertain terrain and often have no idea of the rules of the road. Instead of looking at life through the lens of fear, defeat or dreams lost, I am trying to see the blank canvasses as exciting opportunities. I don’t always succeed, but I have noted two definite advantages to being divorced at 42.

My learning curve as described earlier, has been the steepest of my life! And secondly, I have a new lease on all my relationships. Moving forward I hope to make increasingly better choices with family, friends and hopefully a future husband. I want to learn to give and receive healthy love and respect. And definitely an exciting possibility… I have the opportunity to experience the exhileration of falling in love again!

God is good. All the time. I need only know Him and trust Him.

2014 Perspective: This isn’t just about divorce. As Christians all of us are here to be salt and light! I do believe in our intense growth periods (often the valleys), God’s work is most evident in us, and we are most available to be used as His vessels. I once heard it described like this: pretend your relationship is a dance, and you’ve been doing The Bump. If you change steps, and began doing The Waltz, your partner (friend) must respond too! They can’t do the Bump anymore as you Waltz! This thought helps me to just offer love and not condemnation or judgement as relationships are often seasonal. I think in my raw post divorce state, I was sometimes self-righteous and defensive in these changes.

I paraphrase the common quote: Everyone is on a journey, and you have no idea what they are going through. Be kind and love always — even if you are Waltzing near their Bump!

honeymoon’s over…

December 16, 2013divorce, Freedom, gratitude, personal growth, Purpose, waitinglouise

Article #2 (see explanation) written in 2006, just after my divorce was final. 2013 perspective added.

2006 article: The planning that goes into a wedding is infamous and growing these days. The average time from engagement to wedding is about 18 months, and the event dominates the bride’s life, as well as the lives of those who love her. The day arrives, the honeymoon passes. What has she done to prepare for the name changing, life altering new family that is the result of the ceremony? Oftentimes, not enough. I know it seems weird, but divorce could be compared to a wedding, the birth of a baby, or numerous other significant life events to which we give intense attention, but arrive on the other side utterly unprepared for the new reality.

2006 article: I spent months preparing for what seemed to be an inevitable trial. I was hands on in my divorce. It was my only focus outside of necessary chores and my children. Unexpectedly, we settled three days early. I spent a few days in a surreal fog. Many friends took me out to celebrate (not the end of our marriage, but closure in the legal process and a new beginning). I was busy with the details of wrapping things up, then as quickly as a return flight’s landing ends your vacation, the “honeymoon” was over. For so long I had worked toward the details of our legal settlement. Suddenly, a new reality of my singleness and permanent change gripped me. I know it sounds naive, but I felt blindsided by my new status.

Life as I knew it ceased to exist, yet the world continued around me unaffected. Not only was I no longer married, but the divorce ended my “job.” The family dynamic in my home was entirely different, and I was transformed personally. What next? I had no idea, yet I felt the need to DO something (still do at times). My ex husband and I still own our home together. I decided I could not live there any longer! Buying a new house for my children and me became my new focus and passion. I found THE house, “placed” furniture on graph paper, and planned a garage sale for the rest. I came so close to financial stupidity, I still shudder.

2013 perspective: At a more stable and appropriate time, we did make a great decision to move to a new home. It wasn’t a move per se that was bad, but my urgency to act, to DO in an effort at resolving the pain, uncomfortableness, and chaos of life. We needed to be together without distractions. I needed to rest and let God heal me.

2006 article: Ambivalence saved me. I am very passionate about many things — including the near purchase of that new house. But in the aftermath of divorce, my passion is almost always mixed with ambivalence. I swung to a dogged financial prudence. As rapidly as I fell in love with the house, I dropped it. I realized I must slow down and test to see if my passion finds a steady mark. I decided to stay where I am and enjoy living there until it sells – – a much wiser choice. There is already an abundance of change and chaotic nature to my life. Why did I think adding even an exciting stressor would help?

At this point, most change I’m experiencing is unavoidable. I am newly divorced (a word it took a few months for me to say outloud). I dropped my oldest child off for college for the first time, three weeks later. He is ready and I am immensely proud. My job was to prepare him for the joyful day of launching. Of course, I cried my way home through Alabama and Georgia. He will thrive, but what of me? With his departure came a drain of vitality in our home. He leaves a huge void. The “we” of our home’s daily dynamic quickly went from 5, to 4, to 3… What is the new rhythm for us? Again, I feel the tug to DO something. Should we go on a trip? Plan the holidays? I catch myself and slow it down. The answer is that I don’t know how we will be or what it will look like, and that’s okay. We are making it one day at a time.

Life is not the same, and forcing this new reality into the old mold will not work. I was always big on family dinners. I still believe they are important, but I am realizing they can occur at breakfast or in a restaurant. Right now, the three of us seem to feel more at ease when we are in places other than supper around our table. More of our traditional family style dinners may occur in time, but for now, I am happy we are together and talking about our lives.

We can and must try new ways of being a family, but we don’t have to do anything to affect big changes — not yet. And I don’t have to have all the answers — for myself or my children. We will embrace the holiday season soon, retaining some elements from the past and creating new traditions to fit our new life. My future (now and when all my children leave home) is a huge question mark! There is no substitute for time and patiently living my way to the answers of whatever will be with a lot of grace, faith and trust.

2013 Perspective: Change for change’s sake is bad. It is only a bandaid or temporary anesthetic when used as a diversion or distraction. Slowing down, settling in and simplifying are good. Familiarity and continuity brought comfort to me and my children. After divorce, we needed time to process, to grieve, to heal, to accept a new reality. But almost 8 years out, I also caution you: don’t be afraid of change! Some change is good! I made a lot of changes! Some BIG changes. Some short-lived and some permanent. Some serious and some silly! Experiment within healthy boundaries.

Just to start your thinking… I started wearing high heels and became more fashion conscious — for a while. 😉 I tried new recipes! I let my hair grow out long. I thought seriously about piano lessons, getting my pilot’s license, and starting a business — they never happened. I worked in a new job that got me out in the community with people I never would have met otherwise. Old friendships are important and so is meeting new friends (especially some who were single or had schedules that better matched mine). I included several single “guy” friends. Their perspective and company was a great addition to my singleness. I started shooting skeet for the first time and playing tennis again. Biggies: a few months after divorce, I started a new job and started dating. I moved once in town then again to a new city to start grad school.

Your list will look totally different. The point is moving forward with hope. Ask for forgiveness where needed, forgive yourself, and LIVE your new life. One day a friend said something hard to me, but that was the catalyst for my moving forward with grace, joy and purpose. It was many months after my settlement. The injustices, pain, and circumstances of divorce still dominated my thoughts. Darcy said, “you are ALL about divorce.” She was right.

It wasn’t that I didn’t know I was all about it, I just didn’t know there was another way to live! I was so used to the problems of the last 20 years of my life, I continued to live in them. Like a wounded bird who is nurtured to health in a cage. One day he is moved outside, the cage door is opened, and he is free to fly away. What if he still lives in that “cage?” The door was open to life, but I refused to leave the cage of my past and fly! Until Darcy… what a gift she gave me.

I was unprepared for singleness, and possibly you are too. Perspective is everything. Have a blast searching, seeking and building a new version of life. Accept and enjoy the process as often as possible. Be creative, be patient, and be gentle with yourself. Hang tight to what’s important, especially those you love and your Heavenly Father. Trust Him and His Word.

Rob and I are still building the infrastructure of our new life at almost 50. I never thought it would be this way, and often I’m tempted down the path of self pity. I have to say, “don’t do it!” Perspective is everything! I’m discovering that my friends who have celebrated a silver anniversary are experiencing many of the same changes I am. Divorce does not define me. Opportunities await, the joy of the Lord is my strength, and I know that God has a plan. Love and gratitude are key… more to come as I journey.

Some familiar verses that brought me through the aftermath of divorce follow.

Psalm 73:23 (MSG)

^21-24When I was beleaguered and bitter,
totally consumed by envy,
I was totally ignorant, a dumb ox
in your very presence.
I’m still in your presence,
but you’ve taken my hand.
You wisely and tenderly lead me,
and then you bless me.

Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Matthew 6:33 (New Living Translation)

Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.

Ephesiand 3:20-21 (NIV)

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, ²¹to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen