A friend of mine died yesterday of cancer.

I wasn’t a part of taking care of her, talking to her about death or Jesus, cooking her meals or taking her to chemo appointments. Nor did I have a chance to say good bye.  It never seemed appropriate, and now she’s gone.

I did pray for her many times… for her salvation, for her miraculous healing that would point obviously to God, for her peace in the unknown, for there to be many who surrounded her and let her know she mattered — she is loved. And I prayed that those who were with her would be given God’s words to comfort her.

Was prayer enough? Was it really all God called me to do for my friend?  When I heard she had died, my eyes filled with sadness — and then I began second guessing myself, “Should I have written her (I had thought about it often)? Visited? Done something more? Anything? Do people think I didn’t care because I didn’t go?”

After giving the news of her death time to sink in, I am still very sad, but I am at peace with my role. I believe prayer was my calling for my friend’s final months. It was my privilege to pray for her. (For clarity, she had many other much closer friends caring for her, and she was surrounded by loved ones at the end.)

Sometimes I have said an enthusiastic “Yes!”  to a worthy cause without asking God about it first. In fact, my adult life has followed a predictable cycle from over-invovlement… to overwhelm and exhaustion… to withdrawal, recovery and isolation…  then feelings of guilt that I’m not doing my part (most recently at the idea that I was no longer a stay-at-home Mom, but only a stay-at home person — what value could I have in that?)… to over-involvement…

There have been other times when God has asked me to do something.  I’ve hesitated — and the opportunity was lost forever. Like one summer when I specifically felt God leading me to take weekly trips to visit my parents  2.5 hours away, in order to write their life story. I talked to them about it, but never followed through. As it turns out, God’s timing (meaning my immediate response to Him) was critical.  Isn’t it always?

My father  was diagnosed with Primary Progressive Aphasia just months later; he has lost the ability to communicate verbally. My mom is consumed with her new roles. We visit, but we don’t talk much about their story or my writing it.

The book I felt called to write will probably never be written. The visits as I imagined them are certainly lost.  I will never know how God would have used that time together with my beloved mom and dad. I was not His surrendered and available servant. I was too busy with my own ideas of what I should do for God and even my family, to acknowledge His will for both.

I still grieve (tears fill my eyes as I type), not only the unwritten story, but that I first believed God was speaking to me, then doubted it. I wondered if I was just giving God credit for my thoughts, in order to make them more legitimate.  Was I the right one to write a book about my parents? And would anyone read it? Would they enjoy the process? Would they take me seriously, and was I up to the task? God seemed to see a purpose in my attempt (He never promised an outcome). Other things — important things like children, seminary, volunteering, Bible Studies — seemed more pressing to me at the time. I never said no to God, nor did I act right away. My delayed actions spoke louder than my prayers.

In a word I disobeyed what God wanted me to do, because of my own insecurities, the world’s opinion and the fact that my plate felt full with many other truly good things. Sadly, it’s not the only time I have ignored God’s quiet voice, because the world yells louder and I am more attentive to the crowd and my own well-intentioned agenda.

God is speaking to me about busyness. About conforming to the chaos of the world, when His way is quite simple. About the value of being still, quiet and available. About listening to Him, and responding.

Recently, I read a very pointed article by Randy Alcorn entitled “How to Plan Neglect: Saying No to Good Things So We Can Say Yes to the Best.” I’ve been collecting “resources” on busyness, and keeping the first thing (God) first — well above all the worthy second tier things of the world. But I haven’t DONE much about changing my life. I haven’t allowed God to transform  and renew my mind.

I’ve written many times about how Romans 12: 1-2 is on my heart — The Message says it this way: “So here’s what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don’t become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You’ll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you.”

There are so many needs in the world, so many good things to be done. The older I get (and I am fast approaching 50 — in less than two weeks), the more I need to say no to many good things, even if I’m disappointing people in doing so. My most basic commitments  to God and my family (see the sandwich generation) need to be fulfilled first.

I’m learning the importance of living in such a way that I leave space. Space for time with God and space for knowing and obeying His will.  As Randy Alcorn put it, “I must say no to people considering the vast majority of good things they invite me to, in order to be available to say yes to God concerning that small number of things He has truly called me to.“

I know what it’s like to live exhausted from doing good things, from trying to be all things to everyone — and knowing that nothing and no one is getting my best, including those few God-things I’m called to.

Alcorn went on to give this advice — taking things way further than I had ever dreamed. He said, “NEVER say yes without asking whether this is one of those exceptional things God really wants you to do. Tell Him that unless He smacks you on the side of the head and makes it clear, you will assume He DOESN’T want you to do it. This is planned neglect. We need to neglect the things that countless people want us to do, so that we will be available to do what God wants.”

Do I agree? Better yet, does the Bible support this stance? Just glancing through a few verses The Word seems to sing a resounding YES!

Ephesians 5:15-17    “Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise,  making the best use of the time, because the days are evil.  Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is.”

2 Corinthians 1:12       “For our boast is this, the testimony of our conscience, that we behaved in the world with simplicity and godly sincerity, not by earthly wisdom but by the grace of God, and supremely so toward you.”

James 1:22    “ But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves.”

Matthew 6:33    “But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.”

John 5:30    “I can do nothing on my own. As I hear, I judge, and my judgment is just, because I seek not my own will but the will of him who sent me.”

1 Corinthians 2:14    “The natural person does not accept the things of the Spirit of God, for they are folly to him, and he is not able to understand them because they are spiritually discerned.”

God really has given us a simple plan for living right. I want to be available to listen to God and obey Him — to follow Him — when he whispers or nudges me with His unplanned and unexpected divine assignments. If I’m booked tight, overwhelmed and exhausted with my leading moments, I will miss Him.

On my recent trip abroad, God provided me space — space to breathe, space to rest, space to be still with Him. Space to see from a different perspective and ask His opinions.

More to come on what I am learning and the world’s inevitable response to my upcoming “no’s,”  as I  journey toward allowing Romans 12:1-2 to become a reality in my life. What I know to be true is often slow in reaching my heart and actions. As I seek to give up living as it seems right and natural to me, I will consciously make room for a new way of quiet obedience in the everydayness of life. This idea of planned neglect is much  different than what I have lived. It’s a little scary, but I feel God’s nudge…

Proverbs 14:12    “There is a way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way to death.”

I have several pairs of reading glasses — one for my purse, one at the office, one at the beach, one in my car, one by my bed… you get the picture. I can no longer see to read without them.  🙁   It happened so suddenly. At age 45 — I felt sort of smug about my vision. Then literally, all in a day, I couldn’t see up close!

Sometimes I get along ok without readers… I type with the font set on 16 (and try to remember to reset the font size before sending my letters — otherwise they look like the first chapter books I ever read). I bought a large print Bible. In the ambient light of restaurants I can usually make out enough to at least choose my entree, and a little adventure and surprise in life is good, right?

But there are many times that no matter how much I squint, stretch and retract my arm to varying lengths, concentrate — no matter how hard I try all within my power, I just cannot see what is right in front of me without my readers. It’s frustrating! I put them on and magically the smudges becomes legible!

Two packages from Amazon arrived last night. Two books I want to read and a new pocket camera for my upcoming trip… woo hoo! I got in bed last night excited to check out my purchases, and found no readers. I’m not sure where the bedroom pair went, but they were not within reach as they should have been. I had already gone downstairs once to get my phone charger out of my car (I had to take it to work because I forgot to charge my phone the night before…), and I just didn’t want to exert the effort to find the glasses. Surely, I could do manage on my own.

I nestled in and began looking at the new camera. I carefully unloaded each piece of equipment. I could read the large print on all the boxes — but all I really accomplished was unloading and reloading the box. I couldn’t see any instructions, and didn’t want to miss a step or lose a part. It was futile effort.

I decided to read. One of the books I got was written in the 1800s by Andrew Murray. The other is a more modern book, The Pharisee Within Me. The print in this one seemed large enough to read without my glasses! (The middle-aged author must have clued in his publisher to the needs of his target audience.) I began to read with moderate squinting and adjusting of position and light.

Oddly the preface was by Andrew Murray! What a coincidence… a God-thing! The theologians from earlier centuries are some of my favorites. They are very instructive and inspiring, but a little tougher reads with all the thous and whatsoevers, etc.. I made it through the preface to the first chapter. The author was very formal and archaic for 2009. I looked for the copyright page to see exactly what year it was published — and looked at the back cover to read a little more about the author. The book was very different than I had anticipated.

Have you guessed yet? I was reading the “wrong” book. I was reading With Christ in the School of Prayer, by Andrew Murray, all the while thinking I was reading a book described  this way: “easy-to-read, practical teaching style, the author examines the passages where Jesus confronted the Pharisees and makes thought-provoking observations regarding our Christian faith and churches today.” Both books are good and worthy, but not nearly as effective if you are searching for something entirely different from the contents you hold.

Struggling to put a square peg in a round hole, and trying to make what I was reading fit what I believed was true about the author… I even saw a wonderful cool “coincidence.” I didn’t  recognize my folly for a good 15 minutes. I stubbornly forged ahead, just knowing I could do this without my glasses. The distraction of not being able to see well, kept me from noting I was in the wrong text! I went to bed.

This morning as I tried squinting to read the camera directions, I quickly grabbed my purse readers — handy just a few feet away on the same counter. Suddenly the previously Asian looking print became clear, and I was on my way!

Because I didn’t charge the battery last night, I am delayed in moving forward with the camera set up. I sat down to write. Aren’t the reading glasses so many of us find essential at midlife very much like our Bibles?

Proverbs 12:15 puts it this way, “The way of fools seems right to them, but the wise listen to advice.” God guides us in three major ways: through the Holy Spirit, Godly counsel of friends and leaders, and The Bible. The first two should always be tested by scripture, because “All Scripture is inspired by God and is useful to teach us what is true and to make us realize what is wrong in our lives. It corrects us when we are wrong and teaches us to do what is right.” (2 Timothy 3:16 NLT)

Why do we try to live life in our own knowledge and power — as we see fit? So often, we do what feels right, looks good, and what we want to do — rather than slowing down and giving God our first fruits of time — in prayer and reading His Word (living and personal to us) for the day. Psalm 119:105 says, “Your word is a lamp for my feet and a light on my path.” We need the Bible to see clearly what God’s will is for us — each day.

God had been plastering this verse in my life — even on 3 different church marquees over the last few months (in case I didn’t have my readers)… “Do not conform to the patterns of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is– his good, pleasing and perfect will” (Romans 12:2, NIV).

I keep my readers scattered about so they are in easy reach, because without them, what’s close to me is blurry. I’m not there yet, but a lot of people even hang reading glasses around their necks.  I learned last night, that I need to get up and get them when they are misplaced! My efforts were folly without them.

We keep our cell phones, ipads and laptops at our fingertips. I check facebook, linkedIn and Pinterest regularly — often multiple times a day. We are in danger of losing real relationship because of our electronic obsessions! We can do a quick self-test any day, by asking what we have “opened” today… 48% of users 18-35 check facebook as soon as they wake up.

However, in a 2012 survey regarding Bible engagement, “LifeWay Research surveyed more than 2,900 Protestant churchgoers and found that while 90 percent ‘desire to please and honor Jesus in all I do,’ only 19 percent personally read the Bible every day. ”

Why don’t we read our Bibles? Do we really believe Jesus and His Word? Do we think we are saved through faith by grace, but live all on our own? Is our faith a life altering commitment? I have a favorite Bible, but I also have numerous Bibles scattered in many of the same places I keep my readers… but I don’t pick it up as often as I want to. My belief does not match what I know about God’s word and the world’s ways. (That’s why I’m reading to discover the Pharisee that lives in ME.)

I get busy with all that seems so urgent in life. I forget to pray and neglect God’s Word to me. Proverbs 14:12 says, “There is a way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way to death.”  John 10:10 says, “The thief comes to kill and steal and destroy. I have come that they might have life and have it to the full.”  I want the abundant life God Promises.

Through my poor vision (which began just a month or two after the ophthalmologist told me it would probably never happen)… God gave me another reminder to keep Him near, pray, pick up my Bible and make Him my first priority — any other life, any other way is as futile as trying to read the tiny instructions for  my camera without my reading glasses.

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