Tears, Prayers and a Risen Lord!

April 17, 2014personal growth, Purposelouise

At the top of the administrative page for this blog, there’s a little comment icon to notify me when a reader has sent a message. I always acknowledge comments (public ones on the posts and in my personal email). I very much appreciate a reader’s time in encouraging me or asking questions, and consider it an honor and a privilege to have a more intimate “real life” encounter with a reader. It’s these one-to-one, written, or small group relationships that really energize me. It’s where I feel not only God’s presence, but that He takes over, and I step aside. Such a wonderful experience– it’s hard to explain.

Recently, I’ve commented on posts and emailed a few of the big names in the blogging world and an organization many belong to. No response. I think I let that get under my skin and hurt my feelings. But God is using them in a different way. Their gifts are His to bless, and these dear Christians are certainly glorifying Him and touching many people for His Kingdom.

My desire in blogging has never been to be results oriented; I felt God nudging me to write. I fight a tendency to want immediate personal affirmation (hearing that someone was impacted by my words), even if my greater motivation is for the good of others. I call this other more fleshly desire a glory hog. I don’t want to forget how unattractive it can be when I get my selfish needs mixed up with serving and obeying His leading.

I believe my God-given gifts are best used in a more intimate setting. My blog is a starting point. I am most fully alive face-to-face or in a small circle where I can share with others. I’ve been thinking the last few days about this, repenting again the glory hog tendency — and letting go of visions of being a mega-blogger! 😉 I want to be available to respond personally to those who relate to my story. In this light, I covet your comments.

Back to those tears — This morning I had 36 Spam messages associated with Pink Reflections, an annoyance common to many blogs. Robot generated “messages” from Vintage Mulberry bags, Tory Burch bags, Louis Vuitton, etc. all trying to sell me their goods — probably cheap, imitation knock offs of the real designers.

My eyes quickly welled up. I believe tears (especially when they come on the heels of time with God) are well worth investigating and listening to. What is behind mine this morning? I’ve deleted similar messages almost every day since my November launch of Pink Reflections. Why do I have burning tears today?

I haven’t written a post in a month. I haven’t felt inspired, or more accurately, nothing I have written has felt worthy of pressing the ominous “Publish” button. Could it be that I feel like a cheap, imitation knock off trying to schlep my words when what people really want and need is more sophisticated “designer” thoughts? There are plenty of women writing who are more insightful and more impactful than I. What can I offer that is real?

Yes, I think that’s part of it. I know myself and how much I struggle to surrender and live as God leads me in my real life. Lately, my prayer life has been somewhat lackluster, labored, distracted — as opposed to joyful and the best and most anticipated part of my day. The circumstances of life have been overpowering the Truths of God. I’m mired down — conforming to the world instead of giving God ample time and opportunity to renew my mind and transform me to more Christ-likeness.

Added to that, I feel compelled to pray for our business — something I have always found difficult to do — and in this I am “failing.” If anything is worth doing at all, it is worth praying about, right? God cares about our work. Intellectually, I don’t believe in a life segregated into the secular and the sacred. I want ALL I do and all I am to be about Jesus. But what does this look like? I get distracted and my prayers about our business quickly trail off into random thoughts…

What is God’s will in all our work decisions? We sought Him and His will in this; sometimes His outcomes don’t look good on the bottom line, right? Maybe there are other “lessons” we need to learn to deepen our faith? Certainly we have grown in faith in the last two years. I try to “spiritualize” our technology business. To justify its existence by acknowledging we enjoy giving away some of what’s earned.

While it’s true that God uses all circumstances for His purposes and good, the idea that our business is only about these “lessons” seems a little like a cop out on my part — a small-minded prayer with a healthy portion of unbelief in a good God and a lack of confidence in the fact that He would desire our financial success. I am not a proponent of the name-it-and-claim-it prosperity gospel, but am I also afraid to even mention financial success? Could it be there is merit simply in what we offer — that God sees the good in our services and has ideas he wants to share with us about our business?

His specific purposes and goals for our business are not obvious to me. Why is prayer so difficult in this area of my life? With my overall prayer life distracted by life’s circumstances and a sense of failure around praying for work — how can I write something that might touch another? I feel a little like the sketchy vendor of the fake $10 designer bags sold in the streets of NYC.

Lately, I’m scatter-brained in daily tasks as well as my prayer life. Fragmented in my roles as wife, business owner, daughter, mother, friend, writer, painter, gardener, operations manager of the home and kitchen — I have lost sight of my true identity as adopted heir, daughter of the King — my Abba who desires me to know Him intimately.

What I offer today is simply what He is saying to me in the midst of my messy life. And that He longs to be preeminent and intimate in all our lives. An honest admission of my struggles but also my faith that He is in control of my life and my faith. Lately — I’ve been most aware of my struggles. My prayer life needs a transfusion. A refocus on Him. In the coming months, as He grows my prayer life, I’ll share with you all I trust the great Healer will do along the way.

In a leap of faith that He desires my authenticity and transparency, today I’ll push “Publish,” and sheepishly let you in on the honest condition of my soul, as we approach Good Friday and Easter. I’ll commit to trusting Him and continuing to pray in all things, even when it feels somewhat empty. I’ll do something else that’s hard for me — I’ll ask for your prayers for me as you read. I don’t understand exactly how prayer works, but I know that the prayers of others give me peace and please God.

My post is not a “downer” but a reminder that God has a plan and I can trust Him in it — all the time! He WILL respond to my prayers — even when they are weak. His strength is made perfect in my weakness.

This is the day the Lord has made! Let us rejoice and be glad in it! He is risen and all things are made new in Him! I will trust Him to finish the good work He has begun in me and in you! As always, you have my feeble prayers to a strong and loving God.

Happy Easter — He is Risen!

Addendum to Dating at Halftime, for those in a dark valley

March 15, 2014divorce, loneliness, personal growth, waitinglouise

Since I posted “Dating at Halftime” yesterday, I’ve had a gnawing question tumbling in my heart… “Did I say enough to offer God’s hope to someone who is walking in a dark valley of defeat, loneliness and discouragement?” At times, well meaning “encouragement” can feel like salt in a wound, when hugs are needed. That’s the last thing I want.

The impersonal, one-way nature of a blog makes it hard to address such deep heartache. I’ve been there, and I understand a taste of your despair. I have hurt so deeply that I wondered why God didn’t just take me — because I thought it was all more than I could bear. But that dark night of the soul came just before a break through in faith (most of us will have many in our journey to Him). From where I sit today, I wouldn’t trade those times — when I was keenly aware that I had nothing save HIM — for anything. They were necessary cornerstones of my faith, and are the very seasons I draw from today, when I’m under water, and need to remember God’s goodness and faithfulness.

Yesterday’s story of my dating life had a “happy” ending — the girl gets the great guy. I am thankful beyond measure, but the outcome isn’t the point.

There have been other times I have prayed earnestly about things equally pressing on my heart, and God’s answer has been no — he answered in ways I never would have chosen for myself. Ways that made no sense to me, or even seemed “bad” considering He is all-powerful and could make it all right. In my heart I was adding, ” If He wanted to; if He loved me…” My faith was barely a mustard seed. I still have other prayers that are not yet answered, at least not in ways that I can see. It almost seems He doesn’t hear me in these prayers, but now I know this isn’t true. I rely on what is promised in the Bible, and I draw from my personal experiences with Abba — I persevere. And it’s heart wrenching. Still, I trust God. With my life, my heart, my prayers, and in His outcomes.

The “good outcome” in my mind is not always “God’s best” in the timeless, all-knowing world of His Kingdom. I may never understand His ways this side of Heaven, but I can trust Him. He is listening. He is with us. He loves us perfectly, and whatever our moments contain or our outcomes become, He is using them for our good, when we trust in Him.

I don’t want to belabor this, for fear of sounding like Pollyanna. Or like I’ve arrived. I’m not and I haven’t. I struggle. I know real intense sadness and pain. The girl meets guy story didn’t solve everything. We live in a fallen world, and we will have troubles. I also know God, and He is bigger than the darkness. I am praying for you — the precious people who feel like their present situation will never end.

I was thinking about making an addendum to my post when I read today’s devotional from Michael Youssef — he says it well. God loves you; He is with you; and He is for you. Trust in Him.

March 15, 2014

Focus on Christ

By Michael Youssef, Ph.D.

One of the hardest lessons we will ever learn is how to take a negative situation and turn it into a positive experience. In Psalm 23, King David reminds us that it is all a matter of faith and perspective. He writes, “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil for you are with me” (Psalm 23:4).

David’s words are stepping stones to a great faith. In fact, if we practice the principle that he lived, God will develop a conquering faith within our lives.

David lived with adversity and, from time to time, we will too. This is part of living life in a fallen world, but we do not have to live with feelings of defeat, discouragement and criticism.

You may be thinking: But you don’t know my circumstances. There is no way for you to understand the pressure I feel or the discouragement that plagues my heart.

While we can’t truly know or understand the hurt another person may be experiencing, we do know that there is one person who understands perfectly, and that is the wounded Healer Himself, Jesus Christ. He endured unimaginable pain—rejection, betrayal, temptation, and an excruciating death—all for us. He entered into our suffering so that we could live in His victory.

If you are looking for someone to identify with the pain that you are feeling, do what David did—realize there is One who is walking through the valley with you. No matter how dark life becomes, He will lead you on to ultimate victory in Him.

Prayer: God, as I face trials and discouragement, help me to remember that You understand what I’m going through. Help me to focus on You and to remember that I’m not alone. Amen.

“But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ” (1 Corinthians 15:57).

If you too have experienced faith-building darkness, I’m sure a comment with words of encouragement would help others. It’s Sunday now — we sang this in church, and I wanted to add a link: Sovereign over Us — Aaron Keyes

Dating at Halftime

March 14, 2014divorce, gratitude, joy, loneliness, personal growth, waitinglouise

It was late 2006. I had happily checked dating off my list in the 80s! I had never really thought about or planned on dating anyone at midlife… I didn’t want to be alone either. I was living on a bridge between two worlds, while being a part of neither. I was paralyzed, unable to move from defining myself as divorced to just me alone.

Then a friend invited me to a charity dinner, and offered me two tickets. Not one, to be a third wheel accompanying her and her husband, but two! She thought it was time for me to consider dating. The invitation was conditional and not too subtle — I had to invite someone to join me, to fill out her table.

My divorce had only been final for 4-5 months, but it took almost three years in process to get there. I hoped I would one day remarry, but I never really looked forward to dating. My limbo life was a weird “halftime” between relationships, with no guarantee of a second half. Turns out my adventures in dating would be part of the entertainment before the next half!

The prospect was scary, exciting, foreign, and hopeful — all at the same time. Dating had the potential of being beautiful — to consider the possibility of falling in love with the right man — but it was also dangerous in that there was the potential for the sting of hurt and rejection.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA — pretty man-o-war with wicked tentacles

Romance and relationship were FAR from my mind; I was more panicked. I wanted to go to the event, to tackle this “first date” hurdle, but I had no idea how to find a date, just a companion for the night. Soon word got out, and through a friend of a friend type of deal, I was introduced to someone else with two tickets and no date to the same event. We trashed two tickets and agreed to go together. Problem one solved.

OH MY GOSH! I hadn’t been on a date in over 20 years! What would I wear? How would this work? Would he pick me up at my house? The logistics weren’t really the problem… this date wasn’t about my escort or the event. It was totally about how I saw myself. I had been living in a married world and seeing myself as a divorced woman, a misfit. An outsider in a familiar land. I had to shift, to leave behind my “scarlet D,” and rediscover who I was as a single woman.

The dress was more significant than for prom! It was a black tie event, but the importance lay more in the transitioning — how I chose to present myself. I found a dress with spaghetti straps that I liked. Not wanting extra wardrobe malfunction stress, I had them sew in the proper undergarments. I picked up the dress just in time. The children were out for the night, and I began to get ready. All was going well, until the dress… You would think that it wouldn’t be necessary to try it on after such a simple addition. Bad call. He was to pick me up in 15 minutes and the seamstress had missed her mark, twice. I looked like an alien with four breasts! Would I fall off the bridge?

I ran barefoot next door, where my neighbor was with friends, to see if it looked as bad as I thought. They confirmed that It did, and I’m sure had a great belly laugh! Thankfully, my date was late, because of a child’s band practice, and I was able to solve the problem before he arrived! The night went off without a “hitch” in any sense of the word! The first date was the most difficult, and it was behind me.

There’s no perfect way to date after divorce. I’m just sharing my experience in hopes that it might benefit someone else. At a minimum, it might give you a few laughs! I put myself out there, vulnerable, and it was worth it!

hummingbirds — happy miracle in a little package

In dating, I learned to text (2006) and to shoot a gun (just skeet). 😉 I tried many new things like four wheeling, being the only ones on the dance floor, hunting, horseback riding, skyping and biking for miles. I wore high heels more often and learned to eat sushi. I had fun and laughed. I was set up by friends, family and even online. I got to know some nice men and learned a lot about myself.

I needed that season. God blessed and protected me with mostly good times with kind gentlemen. I’m sensitive to the fact that some women have bad experiences in dating. I was careful and clear about my own boundaries and motivation (getting to know myself and others). Other than that, I don’t know why I was so blessed, but I really feel God protected me and I am thankful. There was definitely some hurt involved, but there usually is with growth. I believe God did guard my heart from unnecessary pain and from falling in love too soon.

After a short while, this whirlwind of fun was beginning to feel empty. I appreciated all the new friendships, and I had needed to date, to have fun and to be desired. But it lost its allure fairly quickly. Then I actually met someone different from men I knew, and he possessed many qualities I wanted in a man. I was thinking more about a relationship now. We dated a short while. We both knew it wasn’t forever, and we needed to move on to whatever was ahead. I can’t really say why we parted ways, but I know God was involved.

All the pain and rejection of divorce flooded me again — compounded by every rejection, lost hope, and dream of the last couple of years, as well as twenty years of marriage. I went on a few more dates, but I was pretty sure I wouldn’t just date anyone again. The bar was set high by my one, short “relationship,” and I wouldn’t spend time with men I knew I wouldn’t marry.

I was the one-date wonder! I would go out with great men, and feel nothing. I think it was usually mutual. Three men in a row, including the special one I dated for a while, met their future wife — immediately after we went out! They all joyfully told me about their new relationships. While I was excited for them, I couldn’t help but wonder, why not me? I’d see strangers holding hands, and I hurt. It felt like I would always be alone. I felt as if God was playing a cruel joke on me! In reality, I needed to fully heal, and this was all part of it.

It was a tough time. It was also necessary, and God was with me in the most wonderful ways. I learned He really was enough. I hoped to one day meet the man I dreamed of, but I knew that if I didn’t, I was ok. God, Immanuel, was with me. My faith, trust and my relationship with Him deepened. I was lonely in the world, but I was content in my deepest soul. And I came to accept that I really was loved by Him — personally.

My life was pretty good, and I was building it alone. In the strangest of circumstances, Rob and I were introduced. Before we ever met, I was drawn to his kind eyes and smile. We went out on a Friday, then again on Saturday. By that second date, I felt at home with Rob. There’s no other way to describe it. We mutually fell in love faster than we were willing to admit out loud. Rob was my real life personification of Ephesians 3:20. “Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.” Rob was far better for me than I could have asked for or imagined.

Ephesians 3:20 comes AFTER Ephesians 3:11-19, and that was true in my life too. “I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.”

These verses were read aloud by my daughter at our wedding! Jesus is first in both our lives. I am frequently overwhelmed with thanks to God for leading me to Rob, who is better suited for me than anyone I could have hoped for or dreamed of!

In a nutshell, nothing was possible unless I had ruthless trust in a worthy and BIG God. A God who loved me perfectly. Some observations I’ve looking back at that time:

I was willing to be vulnerable and to risk the fear of rejection and pain. Trust God.
I was committed to dating the way that I believed the Bible revealed God desired. Trust God.
I was eventually unwilling to date a good man, just to be with someone, to avert my loneliness. Trust God.
I was willing to say and believe, “I’m not entitled to earthly love, and God is enough. He is my portion, even if I don’t find love in a man.” Trust God.
I only wanted to marry a man who loved God first and foremost. Trust God.
I was willing to abandon fears from the past, and risk loving openly and trusting fully in marrying Rob, when it was clear God had introduced me to the one. Trust God.
I’m committed for life to trusting God.

This is just a little of my experience and what God accomplished in me during the awkward process of midlife dating. It’s not a formula for dating or successfully finding the spouse of your dreams. But trusting God is essential for living abundantly (John 10:10). Joy, Peace, and Love are His gifts to His children, regardless of our circumstances.

God used divorce and dating ( ROMANS 8:28) to teach me that I hadn’t fully accepted His perfect love as sufficient. He showed me that I still had major outside influences that I believed were necessary for my security, and He taught me what it meant to trust Him with and in all my life — regardless of outcomes. He’s still working on all that.

It’s an ongoing process… I give Him control, I give Him my burdens, only to find I have soon grabbed them back with clenched fists. Surrender is daily, and even more often sometimes. But I know Who He is, how much He loves me and that He alone can be trusted with my whole life — so I begin again. The Joy of surrender to Him is available to everyone.