Cheap Forgiveness

May 20, 2014divorce, Freedom, gratitude, heart of prayer, personal growthlouise

I’ve always tried to quickly forgive those who wronged me. It’s in my own best interest and it’s what we do as Christians, right? But why do I sometimes not experience the freedom of forgiving — of letting go and letting God? Why does my resentment seep out and why do I still feel a need to explain it all at times?

I was taught that hanging on to grudges, anger and resentment only hurt me — not the one who did the wrong. And that unforgiveness is like a “cancer” that could grow inside me… who wants that? It all made sense, so I quickly forgave wrongs. If I struggled with unforgiveness at all, I reminded myself of Romans 12:19, “Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written:’It’s mine to avenge; I will repay,’ says the Lord.”

I more or less said, “I forgive ___ for all he/ she has done.” And told God. I didn’t have to tell the person, if it didn’t seem appropriate. After all, the bad guys don’t always agree that they have wronged us, or worse, they don’t always care. Forgiveness is between God and me. I could just tell Him that I had forgiven someone, and move on, hopefully feeling lighter and free. But that wasn’t always the case.

I don’t think this was necessarily wrong or untrue. I was more than willing to disregard offenses, but my understanding of forgiveness was very limited. Now God is beginning to teach me that forgiveness is a process I can enter into WITH Him. I can forgive myself or others from my privileged relationship with the author of forgiveness, and that’s when the power and blessings really flourish.

Just after my divorce was final, someone challenged my definition of forgiveness. He said quick forgiveness can be cheap forgiveness. That to truly forgive, I still needed to balance the ledger — to count all the costs. I thought I had left behind examining all the past unpleasantness, and I was more than ready to move on! So I was sad and frustrated to admit the counselor was making sense to me. How could I have really forgiven that which I hadn’t fully acknowledged or even named?

I started the process anew… God’s goal in the life of believers is to conform us to the likeness of His Son, Jesus Christ. There is nothing more basic to our relationship with Jesus than His forgiveness, and His wasn’t cheap. One way we can look like Christ is to practice forgiving others. It follows that as His children we will be given ample challenges on this earth to forgive. In our ups and downs, through our own mistakes, trials and wrongs done to us, all of us are given a lifetime to walk with Jesus and do the hard work of forgiveness.

This process of forgiveness with God is not quick, and often not that easy, but from my fledgling attempts, I’ve found it to be so worth the effort! Perhaps you have something you’ve tried to get beyond, but it feels like your forgiveness isn’t complete? While there’s not a precise formula for forgiving prayer, I have found a few Biblical examples to add to the original basics I learned. Combined they help me to get real with myself, with God, and to truly trust Him with transgressions.

First, the basics from Sunday School:

It’s true, some offenses feel unforgivable. Forgiving might not make us “whole” again. But unforgiveness guarantees we won’t be okay. Forgiveness is for our own good, and not for the ones who hurt us. Beth Moore says it this way,” God is faithful. He will plead our case and take up our cause… but only when we make a deliberate decision to cease representing ourselves in the matter.” We forgive WITH God.

Forgiveness means to send away or let go from oneself. It is the continual act of agreeing with God in a matter, and offering others the same mercy He gave us. It’s active surrender of the situation, the repercussions, and the offender to Him. Sometimes we need to recommit to forgiveness daily. We forgive TO God.

There are two important steps I’ve been missing: Pray ABOUT and FOR the person you need to forgive. The purpose of both prayers is to change our own hearts — to align them with His. To the point of my counselor many years ago, we need to pray about the person who hurt us before we can pray for them with sincerity and a pure heart — only then can we feel the full freedom of forgiveness.

Praying about a situation is basically tattling on them to God (instead of the toxic venting to numerous others our flesh seems to enjoy). Tell Him about all the things someone did to you, and all the ways you were hurt as a result. Tell Him how upset you are and how unfairly you have been treated. Psalm 62:8 says “Trust in Him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to Him, for God is your refuge.”

David, a man after God’s own heart, told God about those who had offended him in emotional verses such as these:

Psalm 5:9 “Not a word from their mouths can be trusted; their heart is filled with destruction”
Psalm 17:10-11.13 “They close up their callous hearts, and their mouths speak with arrogance. They have tracked me down and now throw me to the ground… Rise up, O Lord, confront them, bring them down, rescue me.”

David vents his anger and you can almost hear whining as he voices his requests to God in prayer. He is real and doesn’t hold back. We are encouraged to do the same — to bring our authentic complaints and feelings to God. We need to pour out the confusion, anger, hurt, despair, bitterness, doubt and all the foulness we feel about the situation to God, so He can in turn fill us with Himself.

Some people best pour their hearts out verbally while alone, others in counseling, journal entries, or forgiveness worksheets. There are many ways to pour out your heart to God, and all are acceptable as long as you are honest and thorough. God knows everything already. What He’s teaching me is to allow Him do His work in me during the process of my confessing feelings and thoughts. Sometimes He listens quietly, and other times He helps me to see where my perspective may be skewed on an issue. God wants us to be real from the depths of our hearts, regardless of where we are.

When I’m willing to empty my whole heart to God (whatever it contains), I am giving Him my pain and hurt, so that it doesn’t turn to bitterness. In pouring out my thoughts to God, I’m forced to examine myself, and give Him the opportunity to correct me where I’m wrong. He transforms and fills me as I allow. I’m certainly not a master of forgiveness to freedom… but I’ve tasted a little of it, and I know I want more.

Thankfully, the Bible is full of great role models. Job is another example of a man in the depths of bad circumstances and raw emotions, who empties himself before God. Like David, Job’s complaints were not watered down, but were acceptable to God because he loved God with honor and reverence. Moses and Abraham, also friends of God, felt they could trust God with their honest laments and questions, even when they were mad at God. They were humble and trusting as they honestly shared their pain.

Like these men in the Bible, I know I’ve been mad at God Himself. “God you could have saved a life — stopped the divorce — prevented financial pain… with a glance or a whisper my way. Why didn’t you?” While I never had the right to be mad at God, He understands, and He can handle my anger. He welcomes us to bring our reality to Him, so He can minister to our hearts and minds. If we don’t start where we REALLY are, how can God move us to a place of truth and forgiveness — to remembering God’s faithfulness, goodness and love for us?

If you are struggling, as I do, in being so blatantly honest with God, search the Psalms for countless examples to encourage you. Then continue pouring out all you hurts, tattle tell on your offenders, show God your wounds and their repercussions. Don’t stop until you feel the bitterness waning and God’s love filling the emptiness you have created. Trust and gratitude will be our signs that we are ready for the next step.

Pray for the person you need to forgive. I have often tried praying for my enemies… but my prayers “for” the forgiven lacked sincerity of heart and quickly slipped into the “talk about the offender to God” stage that I had skipped! In this new process, God is teaching me not to rush through forgiveness. With God’s help, I hope to more supernaturally shift to praying FOR my offenders. I believe when I have given God all responsibility for handling my pain and burdens, He will be faithful to transform my mind, and fill me with gratitude, love and mercy.

Peter 3:9 says “Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called, so that you may inherit a blessing.” Why should we forgive and pray for our offenders? Because it’s God’s way. And the way of our natural flesh — the way that feels right to me when I’m mad or hurt — gains us nothing but trouble. God created our hearts. He is in control and knows what we need to heal and prosper. And through Jesus’ work on the cross, He provided the greatest act of forgiveness ever. Matthew 6:14-15 says “For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.”

“After Job had prayed for his friends, the Lord made him prosperous again and gave him twice as much as he had before… The Lord blessed the latter part of Job’s life more than the first.” (Job 42:10,12) Whatever forms our blessings come in, God will do the same for us when we are willing to forgive His way.

There’s a current situation in my life where I feel my forgiveness has been too quick. Too cheap. Done with too much independence. I’m committed to continuing to practice forgiveness with God and to God. To doing the hard things He desires. To thinking as He does. To learning to pray for my offender in a way that feels sincere — and trusting and believing that God will bless me in it all.

Mark 11:25 “And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins. ”

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Heaven is for Real – God’s Not Dead

May 8, 2014Busyness, Freedom, gratitude, heart of prayer, personal growth, Purposelouise

My last post was “discombobulated.” It was tough to publish, but it felt like there was something important in it all. The contrast between the brick mason’s story and my reality was edited and rewritten. Deleted and reworked. I think it’s because, I’m struggling between what I want to say, and what God is accomplishing in my heart. As I look at ways the brick mason and other events are opening my heart, my prayer is more of Him and less of me.

In my short visit with the brick mason , I learned he was having a devastating day, in the midst of chronically difficult life circumstances. Obviously, he believed heaven was real and all around us, and God was good to his family — even in death, illness, poverty and pain. He openly shared his experience and his faith with us as comfortably as he discussed concrete.

I’m not minimizing or glamorizing his situation. Either would be the wrong focus. At times I’ve even wondered if he was “for real.” I decided to let go of my cynicism and my need to know all the facts, and to ask God what He has to say to me about it all. I know when really terrible things happen in my life, my heart trumps my head, and I sort of feel entitled to something better — like there’s been some mistake.

Knowing the stories and promises of God, why is my faith not more like the brick mason’s? Why am I not thankful and actively believing that God is with me (Matthew 28:20) and acting on my behalf for good in every detail of my life (Romans 8:28)? Joseph had one “bad” thing happen after another but said, “You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.” (Genesis 50:20) The same is true today.

Taking the whole experience of the brick mason at face value, I am deeply moved by how the brickmason’s reality of God’s goodness and provision in his every day life, totally overwhelmed the current situation. He knew his daughter was dead and his family had an increasingly more difficult road ahead. Still he said, “I don’t know why God is so good to me.” Who he knew God to be, and what He knew Jesus had done for him was more real and important to the brick mason than anything that was happening. That’s abundance I want to emulate.

Someone asked me what I thought of the movie, “Heaven is for Real.” I’m no Bible scholar, and I understand the concerns around how God could allow 4 year old Colton to sit on Jesus’ lap during his surgery, when the Bible says Moses couldn’t look at God and live. I know Hollywood could have sensationalized a good story once they had the rights to it, and the Burpo family had much to gain in publishing it. I’ll let others debate all that.

To me, it seems totally credible that a loving God gave a scared, sick little boy a glimpse of heaven while he was still on earth — and that God wanted the story to be spread to others. Hasn’t He ever done something similar for you — where you were overwhelmed with His majesty? Or His protection? If the movie helps people to see that heaven is real; that our lives and prayers need to be more focused on heaven than anything on this earth (Philipians 3:19-20) — because God is in heaven and we will one day live there with Him — then it is a GREAT movie that points us toward God and a richer, more abundant life!

We saw another movie, “God’s NOT Dead.” In it Josh, a freshman philosophy student, takes a stand and risks ridicule, relationships, failure and his future (that pretty well covers the things of this world), because he will not assert, “God is dead” as his teacher desires. He feels God wants him to do something for Him, so he listens and obeys. He agrees with God’s will. He takes some losses in the process, but the movie has a happy ending. Even if it didn’t, I think Josh would be glad he chose to trust God and His goodness. I think he would say all is well when I do God’s will, and Life is Abundant beyond all the other stuff!

I’ve been sharing how our little group has been learning to pray more effectively. In preparing for our study, God led me to the Lord’s Prayer. (Matthew 6:9-13) We sing it; we pray it. It comforts us, but what are we really saying?

First, Jesus told his disciples to say, “Our Father who is in Heaven. It seems heaven was important as a focus beyond the earth they could see and touch. Heaven is our eternal home where God dwells. All of us feel the daily pull of sin, the world and the devil on earth. We are tempted to make WAY more plans for this short life than we do for eternal life. When that is our focus, we miss His abundance.

Heaven is for real. God is there — and He is here with us. We get glimpses of heaven in the almost but not yet experience of this life on earth, because He walks and talks with us every day. Heaven is more real and more lasting than the chair that holds you up right now. It seems we need to pray fully embracing the fact that heaven is our real home, if we want abundant life.

Secondly we earnestly pray, “your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven” right until the moment when God’s will interrupts our own… What are we really saying in these familiar words? I’ll paraphrase Michael Youssef, “King Jesus, I want your priorities to be the preoccupation of my entire heart and mind — my life. Take over everything!” Sounds almost like the Greatest Commandment (Matthew 22:37).

When we pray, so often we focus predominantly on our own plans, needs and passions. See my long list of thoughts at the beginning of this post. They have led to a lot of stress and confusion for me lately. I guess you could say I’ve been discombobulated! God cares about our lives and wants us to talk to Him about all the details (1 Peter 5:7). The point is that word preoccupation — our focus and priority.

My mind has been dangerously consumed with my very real human needs, to the detriment of my preoccupation with God. If our perceived needs become the increasing focus of our lives (in good times or bad), soon we won’t pray at all. Not as God intends. Instead of “your will be done,” our “prayers” become God give me what I need and want. I know what’s best. My will be done.

My final take aways from this process of looking at how I’m living my life and contrasting it with the brick mason’s story that depict a taste of abundant life and understanding God’s will are these:

Prayer is not only something you do, it’s who you are and the way to live Life. And when in doubt, like they taught us in Sunday School — the answer is Jesus. Focus on Him. He must be my reality. My preoccupation. My number one priority. That IS the Abundant Life He offers. Mattew 6:33 is often in my mind. “But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given unto you as well.” And John 15:4 “Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.”

My action point is to make the HUGE reality of all I know about God the Father, what Jesus did on the cross, and the indwelling of the Holy Spirit my primary focus — a hyper focus. Then be GRATEFUL and trust He is acting on my behalf. All my scattered preoccupation and activity will calm, and I will surely know his abundance and a new way of Life. He is transforming me bit by bit.

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I want the abundant life God promised

May 6, 2014Freedom, gratitude, heart of prayer, personal growth, Purpose, sandwich generationlouise

This one’s for all the baby boomers… Or anyone who can imagine a day will come when you are 50. Or better yet, those from the greatest generation who can offer perspective from experience. Is your life what you thought it would be?

For the most part, we’ve raised our children — giving them every opportunity we could, so that they could succeed and follow their dreams. It was so worth it, watching them grow and enjoy life. Now it’s our turn! We’re making plans to travel, wondering about retiring, doing some things we never had time for… Life is good, really good. But there’s a nagging thought… is this all there is? Am I missing something?

We’ve always prayed for our family. But some things aren’t quite as we thought they would be. Everyone is so busy and absorbed in their own lives. There are wonderful, exciting new relationships, new jobs, weddings and new babies. We want to be supportive, and we’re truly happy for our children — but we miss the closeness of every day life together. We worry sometimes, but can no longer fix things with magic kisses and bear hugs.

Then there’s work. Baby boomers are at the prime of careers they worked hard to achieve. Some are happy and fulfilled. Others are not. We’re questioning who and what should receive our time and attention. Yet, it’s hard to feel we have the freedom of choice. How much is enough in an uncertain world? Our adult children and aging parents created our new identity as the sandwich generation. We are pressed from all sides and often spiritually parched. We carry on in what is familiar and safe, but we aren’t always sure toward what? Similarly, stay-at-home moms become stay-at-home people, wondering at their value, when homemaker is almost a politically incorrect term.

There’s another unique category bravely beginning new careers. Whether we are re-entering the workplace after a long absence or we recently lost a job, the learning curve is steep. With waning energy we are waking early each morning to a fast-paced world. Ever-changing technology is hard to keep up with. We are LinkedIn on smart phones, leaving status updates on facebook, tweeting, tumbling and emailing. We’re not sure if what we do understand of technology and social media is good or bad — we recommit to handwritten notes and face to face friends, but struggle to find the time.

In this season of life, I also see many people finding joy in donating their time and resources to those in need. But even giving can be overwhelming. I feel a need to make a difference in an area where I feel passion. The news and the needs break my heart, and can be more than I can take in. There is so much pain and urgency, that sometimes, I just want to stick my head in the sand. I need focus and direction in this new stage, but often lack the energy to find it.

It feels like life, while good, is more stressful than ever before. I think it’s because the primary focus of my energy for each day or week is not predictable, but constantly shifting. It also feels like I’m just not living quite the way I should — at a deeper spiritual level.

God is challenging me constantly with Romans 12:2. “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is — his good, pleasing and perfect will.” That’s what I’m looking for! I want the second half of my life to really matter. To live my life God’s way in this season, I think I have to become more dependent, surrendered and open to His leading than ever before.

John 10:10 says “I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” Some translations call it the abundant life. I want that too! And God wants both these verses to be true for my life. I met someone living in unexpected abundance recently.

Not long ago, a brickmason arrived at our house on a Harley Davidson. He was wearing shorts, a T-shirt and a black leather vest held together by 3 silver chains. In addition to a giant cross, he displayed patches with slogans such as “bikers for Jesus” and “God loves you and I’m trying to.”

About 10 minutes into our describing what work we needed, he apologized for being spacey. He explained that he had heard just hours before that his daughter was dead. In brief, he had lived with the girl’s mother for 11 year’s and married her two years ago. His step-daughter, I’ll call her Joan, was 21 and had two daughter’s of her own, who had recently been removed from her custody. They weren’t sure if Joan had died of an accidental overdose or if it was suicide. She had struggled with depression, addictions and bad choices for years.

We gave our shocked condolences, and suggested he go home; we could talk about the wall later. He declined, saying he needed work now more than ever. He drifted to another place. With teary, distant eyes he shook his head and stated, “God is so good to me.”

He talked for 45 minutes. The night before she died, Joan had been waiting at his house to be picked up by a friend who never showed. She had a beautiful voice, and despite her deep depression, she had sung hymns as she waited. The brickmason had assured her she was blessed even now. All she needed to do when the darkness enfolded her was to look to Jesus. Somewhere in the retelling, he looked up and said again, “I don’t know why God is so good to me.” He told of dropping his totally sober daughter off where she was living, and going home in peace. Soon after her death the next morning, God gave him a vision of Joan as a little pig-tailed girl, in heaven. He said, “God is so good.” Of course, I know it’s true. But I doubt that’s where my heart would have been at that moment.

“Reality” check: 6 hours ago Joan had died. His wife was 2 hours away in the hospital with the two-year old child, who had a serious disease requiring a tube in her little body. The brickmason lived paycheck to paycheck. Just before the grandmother and toddler learned of her death, they were looking at pictures of Joan on facebook. Suddenly, the little girl looked up, pointed across the room and said, “I just saw Mommy!”

The brickmason believes that on her way to heaven, Joan was allowed one more glimpse of her daughter. He was counting God’s gifts and blessings in the midst of death and pain. He went on to say that the 5 year old would “pitch a fit” if they tried to leave church after one service — insisting on staying for both each Sunday. She knew the Lord already, and for that he was grateful.

He snapped out of it, and apologized again for drifting off. The brick mason insisted we return to discussing our driveway and wall. The shift was difficult for us, but seemed oddly natural to him. Could it be the brickmason’s perspective, seeped in gratitude and trust, is more real than the tragedy of his circumstances?

In my next post I’ll explore what God wants me to learn from the brickmason’s story. It seemed he believed in God’s goodness and felt gratitude even on the worst of days. I think he can help me understand more about the “secret” to living well in the coming years and experiencing the abundant life Jesus spoke of in John 10:10.