What to BELIEVE when I’m blue

June 10, 2014Busyness, heart of prayer, personal growthlouise

Sometimes I feel a little blue — ok, more of a dark purple. Oftentimes, I can’t attribute my first depressed feelings to anything in particular. I usually just tell myself, “I’m in a funk.” I try to ignore the down feeling, the apathy, lethargy and mild defeat, but with it all comes the incessant voices (self talk, not the crazies) in my head — reminiscent of Job’s friends.

I accuse myself, and I feel guilty. Condemnation. Like something is wrong with me, and the rest of the world would be disappointed, disgusted if they knew. “Why do you feel this way? You have no right! You have a great husband, loving family, your health… you’re about to go on a Mediterranean vacation, for heaven’s sake! Why do you feel anything close to depression? What is wrong with you?”

I am confused, because I agree in theory with the voices, but I can’t just shake off the dark cloud. Fake it til you make it just isn’t working, and I start having negative thoughts: about myself, my loved ones, the condition of the world, our nation and even the church… It all seems so overwhelming and hopeless. I find myself holding back critical thoughts and harsh words. I tend to withdraw from others and escape in things that ultimately make me feel worse.

I keep my struggle hidden, as if it’s a private, dirty little secret. To tell anyone I feel depressed would be to say I am weak and have little faith. (But 2 Corinthians 12:9 says, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”) Christians don’t get depressed, right? This belief is commonly held in many church circles, but it rings of a lie — I know many good faithful followers who have struggled at times with depressive seasons. Charles Spurgeon, C.S. Lewis and Martin Luther just to name a few.

**I quickly want to insert a disclaimer. I am obviously not a doctor or a counselor. Severe depression can come from psychological, spiritual, physiological and/ or physical causes. I haven’t experienced severe, chronic depression, and my heart breaks for those who have. I am speaking only to my current and seasonal dark days.

Fighting seasonal blues is not the problem… giving into it can be. Psalm 42:5-6 implies I can expect some cloudy days. “Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? I choose to put my hope in You, God, for I will praise You, my Savior, and my God. My soul is downcast within me; therefore I will remember You!” This psalm also suggests where I should turn for Light!

Maybe you can relate… sometimes we feel down, depressed, agitated, frustrated, for no apparent reason. Not so pretty or pleasant, but real emotions.

I was agitated last night and didn’t really know just why. I struggled with prayer in my journal. God said to be still, and wait for Him. I’m usually a sound sleeper. This morning I awoke at 4:15 am. Finally at 4:45, I acknowledged Him — got up and began praying and writing again. Nothing profound — mostly pouring out my heart and prayers against my feelings of oppression (what I’m calling darkness). Then this morning — despite a busy calendar — I sat to write this post.

All the words above in bold clue me in that there is someone behind it all, leaving his calling card and finger prints all over my life — Satan. I read something by Beth Moore this morning, that made me start thinking about what it means to believe. She said, “Just in case anyone is clinging to a few doubts, let me assure you, the devil is real. You may be tempted to say, ‘Oh, I’ve always known that.’ … We live our lives not simply according to what we know, but what we really believe. Genuine belief is life altering conviction.” (bold emphasis mine)

Two times the power of believing must be life altering come to mind —

When we believe Jesus for our salvation
When we accept the devil is real and we believe we must fight him. But it’s easier, because we are assured that Jesus has already claimed the victory! John 10:10 says, “the thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.”

This word believe is powerful. It’s active, not passive. John 3:16 says all we must do to gain eternal salvation is to “believe in Him.” It doesn’t say whosoever agrees with the events of the birth, life and death of Jesus shall not perish… Satan knows it’s all true history! That’s not enough. We need to believe — in a life altering way — that we are sinners deserving of hell. We have to make it personal — Jesus thought of me (personally and individually), when He paid the price for my sins on the cross.

When we truly see ourselves as we are — sinners with no hope of being good enough — and we accept by faith (that Jesus gives us) His undeserved gift of taking all our punishment on the cross, so that through Jesus, God sees us as pure… and not only gives us the assurance of eternity in heaven, but a NEW and abundant life while we are here on earth. The Holy Spirit comes to live in us! To guide us and walk with us. When we truly believe as the New Testament lays out, how can it not be life altering?

2 Corinthians 5: 17 says, “”Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come. ” (2 Corinthians 5: 17) We are given a NEW LIFE. When we truly believe, we are saved, and the Holy Spirit changes us. It’s not always an immediate transformation, in fact, it’s usually gradual (I remember almost wishing I had a dramatic addiction, so I would know it worked…) I prayed “the prayer” many unnecessary times after the first time, just to be sure.

I grew up going to church whenever the doors were open! I memorized John 3:16 and was confirmed in the church in 6th grade. But, I was not a believer or follower. When I was 14, I attended a youth rally at a Baptist Church. For the first time I understood I wasn’t good enough for God or HIs heaven — no matter how hard I tried. I, Louise, personally needed Jesus. I understood my depravity and accepted His work on the cross in a personal way. I believe I was saved in that moment.

I went home and said nothing. I didn’t feel all that differently, but I was drawn to the Bible and my prayer journals. The Holy Spirit was and is at work in this very imperfect woman. He’s been teaching me about His Lordship and my responsive surrender ever since! I haven’t been a quick study — rather a self reliant, stubborn child. He is patient and loving.

Recently, I had one of the greatest and most humbling experiences of my life. God used me to lead a precious friend to salvation. It was abundantly clear I was simply a pawn in His hands, and He was working in her heart. She had been to church her whole life, and prayed more fervently and more often than most — but she had not accepted Jesus as her personal Savior. What a joy and privilege to be present when Jesus saved her!

I am sad to say, I haven’t had this close-up experience before, but it gave me courage to speak about Jesus and all he’s done in my life more frequently and more boldly. I could get addicted to the high that followed that day!

In struts Satan. I know the basics, sort of, but do I really believe I must put on the armor of God everyday. That I am a warrior in a battle? It’s ironic that I struggle to believe that I must be alert to the devil’s schemes, because despite my pollyanna tendencies, I am deeply scarred and battle-weary!

And He knew that I ‘m a linguist — and would see significance in a name. Whether I like it or not, I’m a warrior. I have an enemy. And of course he would attack me in any ways he can after God gave me the miraculous gift of being present when he saved my friend. Of course.

I was named after my Daddy’s favorite aunt, Louise Slater. But God had more in store for me through my name. He knew I would have tendencies towards wanting to make life all happy and comfortable. That I would want to ignore the ugly and trust the guilty. That as a little girl I would learn to use my imagination to create the world as I thought it should be — a beautiful glass castle where I was a princess and everyone and everything was good.

As I have tried to finish this post, Bandit escaped for the 7th or 8th time this week… a dog who has been successfully contained for almost 14 years by an electric fence. The infamous bricklayer was supposed to be finished with the wall last week — he is not. I’m reminded of two things I forgot at the office, and I need to go shopping because overpacking is not going to be a problem if I don’t… nothing fits comfortably! I was almost too distracted — too crazy busy — for God, for prayer, for sharing my faith and the wonderful things God is doing all around me.

Satan may be the ruler of this earth — and wreak some havoc in his role. But he is defeated! While we must be alert and fight, we know Who is the victor! We need to focus on God and be aware of the devils schemes (especially when the darkness comes)… but not obsess about Satan.

** It’s now later the same day, and I had to add… my blue mood lifted right after prayer and writing this post… it’s been a great day! 🙂 God is good!

John 12:31 “”Now judgment is upon this world; now the ruler of this world will be cast out.”

Romans 8:38-39 “For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

Galatians 1:4 “who gave Himself for our sins so that He might rescue us from this present evil age, according to the will of our God and Father”

1 John 3:8 “the one who practices sin is of the devil; for the devil has sinned from the beginning. The Son of God appeared for this purpose, to destroy the works of the devil.”

Hebrews 2:14-15 “Therefore, since the children share in flesh and blood, He Himself likewise also partook of the same, that through death He might render powerless him who had the power of death, that is, the devil, and might free those who through fear of death were subject to slavery all their lives.”

Colossians 1:13 “For He rescued us from the domain of darkness, and transferred us to the kingdom of His beloved Son”

Titus 2:14 “who gave Himself for us to redeem us from every lawless deed, and to purify for Himself a people for His own possession, zealous for good deeds.”

Romans 16:20 “The God of peace will soon crush Satan under your feet. The grace of our Lord Jesus be with you. “

Caught in a Kodak moment without a camera

May 27, 2014Like a little child, personal growthlouise

Six of us were sailing yesterday. It was a beautiful day with steady wind and large swells. Fast enough to be fun, yet very relaxing after a long and busy weekend.

Suddenly we were in the middle of a HUGE school of dolphin. Riding the waves, playing in our wake, slapping their tails and even jumping clear out of the water. We had a front row Sea World experience without any trainers involved! At times we could have almost touched them — and this lasted for about an hour. It was magnificent.

Where are the pictures to post on Facebook, Snapchat and Instagram (none of the photos on this post were taken yesterday)? We have none. Not one of us had a phone or a camera. We briefly lamented that this would have been a perfect Go Pro moment, but then we simply enjoyed the dolphin — without the distraction of missing the perfect shot. It was absolutely delightful! We were all exclaiming, applauding and laughing. Truly a memorable time.

I love photographing special moments, and I love having beautiful pictures… to help my failing memory and to”share” with others. But yesterday I was reminded of what I used to know intuitively: the value of fully living in a special moment — with no regard for the Kodak capture. Just remembering the moment as I experienced it with others, and with all my senses.

The day before this, we were kayaking in the midst of scores of sea turtles. The normally timid creatures were popping up like popcorn. Mostly they ducked under as soon as they noticed us. But a few seemed as curious about us as we were about them — and floated at the surface a while. It’s a good day when we see one sea turtle… over Memorial Day weekend, we saw about 40! All swimming, all wild, all without a camera nearby. Again — we were forced to be fully present enjoying the beauty of all God’s canvas, without the distraction of photography.

In no way am I demonizing photography. I have scrapbooks, multiple cameras and love capturing life through a lens. Photos are great, but memories can be totally awesome too! I’m glad the fear of wet electronics left me cameraless for these special times with the dolphin and sea turtles.

Dallas Willard said, “Everything God does displays the inexhaustible creativity and extravagant generosity of the One who invites and empowers us to imitate him. Creative people long to be more like Father!”

I have a few very creative photographer friends. I appreciate their dedication to their craft and art immensely — whether they take photos of every day life, weddings, portraits, nature, journalism… all are good and meaningful representations of God and His work through them. A picture does speak a thousand words. I like to think the same happens in me sometimes, when I create enduring art with my paint brush or a camera.

But there’s an ambivalence in me that I think is worthy of my attention. I’m not always into tons of pictures — because I have a tendency to let them take over and recreate my memories of very special moments — especially the ones that have a lot of emotion attached to them. Times like weddings, family gatherings, baby’s firsts… I like a few snap shots (at rare times, a video), but I don’t want to miss the real thing because of my compulsion to have the moment immortalized. Nor do I want my memory — created with my heart, mind, spirit and all 5 senses — to be faded to resemble a photo.

In fact, the times when I have taken the most pictures, have been more documentary in nature. On safari in Africa (over 1600 pictures on 35 mm film), traveling alone in Italy (3 boxes of developed photos) — my camera was my friend. I was capturing all I was seeing, so that I could later share that special experience with someone.

Significantly, I was not fully sharing portions of these trips emotionally, and my pictures were in a way, an attempt toward that in the future. Not a bad idea, but in making my camera primary, did I possibly miss an opportunity to share these experiences more deeply with God? To know and understand Him better? I think so.

I purposely have an iphone and a camera with me almost all the time — you never know when will be a perfect photo op, right?

I think maybe God gently nudged me this weekend. I’ll still love taking pictures. But more often, I want to mix in times where I am intentionally and fully present with God, just enjoying Life with Him (even if He offers an amazing kodak moment). I’ve slipped a little too far toward seeing the value in the captured and electronically shared moment, rather than the gift and the Giver.

Times like we had with the dolphin take on an added significance. They are moments to watch the Creator’s hand — His artistry — and to be with Him and His creation (human and otherwise). He showed us His love and His presence in His creation. He gave us a thrilling shared experience. “We’re never nearer Christ than when we’re lost in a holy amazement at His unspeakable love.” John Owen “God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him. The essence of faith is being satisfied with all that God is for us in Jesus.” – John Piper

jet lagged — in front of the Eiffel Tower

A couple of Bible verses pop into my mind…

Romans 12:2 which God is continuously placing on my heart lately: “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.”

And Jeremiah 9:23-24 “Thus says the Lord: ‘Let not the wise man boast in his wisdom, let not the mighty man boast in his might, let not the rich man boast in his riches, but let him who boasts boast in this, that he understands and knows me, that I am the Lord who practices steadfast love, justice, and righteousness in the earth. For in these things I delight, declares the Lord.’”

I’m committed to spending a little more time knowing God and boasting in Him in the midst of my many kodak moments, before I grab my camera to capture and share the moment, through photos, with others. And I’m trusting Him that I’ll still have a lot of opportunity to capture Life through my lens for posterity!

Another treasured time: More of our family were gathered on the porch on Sunday than usually get together… thank goodness someone thought of snapping a photo! 😉

Cheap is a popular word!

May 22, 2014gratitude, heart of prayer, personal growth, Purpose, sandwich generation, waitinglouise

It seems we’re all looking for something cheap. We all like a good deal. When I googled the word “cheap,” I got 396 million results in .32 seconds. Cheap shoes, cheap flights, cheap restaurants, cheap hotels, cheap cars, cheap gas, cheap cell phones, cheap art… the list is endless.

Since I wrote my last blog post, Cheap Forgiveness, I have gotten over 300 comments (and rapidly increasing) — mostly from those pesky robots selling cheap knock offs of the designer labels. Whether we’re selling or buying it seems like there’s a lot of cheap stuff available in life.

It occurred to me that sometimes we all settle for less than the real thing — in order to have what we want in the moment? We try to meet our own “needs,” we look for cheap imitations of God’s gifts of love, peace, abundance and joy.

We are sojourners here on earth. Heaven is our home, and we’re all equipped with a desire and a hunger for all God and His kingdom are. We wonder at our purpose and the afterlife. We search for meaning and significance. We question violence, pain and illness. We aren’t quite okay with how things are on earth, because we were made for something more!

Consider the familiar story of The Prodigal Son found in Luke 15:11-32 — with a little poetic license. The younger son was spoiled rotten. He had it all, but it wasn’t enough. (‘It’ never is, is it?) He didn’t want to be a part of his father’s household. He wanted independence! To live life his way, so he took early payment on the inheritance he felt entitled to and ran. He lived it up on the “best” the world could offer him — and wasted everything. He was broke and living in a pigpen.

He tried to make the pigpen a home. He threw a blanket on the straw and called it a bed. Ketchup on the slop and called it dinner. Possibly even lipstick on a sow and called her sweetie, but as the old saying goes, lipstick on a pig doesn’t change the truth.

We do our best to create the “good life” in the here and now. Fancy cars, homes, and trips. Nothing is too much and nothing is quite enough. We need better. We need more. More money, better clothes, more customers, better grades, more memberships, better schools, more friends… finish the thought with whatever you and your family are focused on or hoping for. Many of these are good things that God intends for us to enjoy. But are they Life?

Some people seem to grab on to Jesus early, and focus on Him. Others are more like the prodigal’s older brother (another story altogether). I think I’ve resembled both sons at different times of my life. Definitely, even as a Christian, I have tried to find and enjoy life my way at times.

Eventually, we realize the next achievement, the next good time or big toy is always a little further down the road, and we aren’t satisfied. We are forced to choose. Either we pretend the life we’ve created is wonderful; that it’s all we want and need — or we can swallow our pride, turn our backs on the pigpens we’ve called home, and humbly return to the Father for Life, like the prodigal son.

This is always Jesus’ desire and invitation to us! “Seek first the King’s (God’s) plan: At the right time He will bring everything together under the authority of Christ — everything in heaven and on earth.” (Ephesians 1:10) It’s all a matter of primary focus.

We are on a wonderful, adventurous journey! God wants us to experience joy along the way, but the destination is our goal. We must keep it in sight. If all we care about is our comfort and the quality of our travel, the route we will take, who we will sit by, and will it be in first class… If our focus is what it will take to pay our way? Where will we go next and what can we buy along the way … we will be settling for way less satisfaction that God intended.

Our hearts tell us that we were made for more. That the good life is somewhere else. We may not know exactly where we are going, but we know the journey is not our home. “God… has planted eternity in the human heart.” (Ecclesiastes 3:11) Life on earth is just the beginning!

I am turning 50 soon. To some that sounds ancient. Others think wistfully back to 50 as young. I’m wanting to age gracefully and say today is the best day of my life! Somedays it’s true… others, not so much! No matter where we are chronologically in our journey — youthful and idealistic, in the midlife sandwich generation, in our golden years, or even prematurely facing death — it is tempting to look back and believe our best years are behind us. Worse yet, we can look back with regrets, feeling we squandered opportunities on worldly pursuits — trying to comfort ourselves and provide for our own life apart from God.

In the words of Max Lacado, “Hogwash! You will do your best work in heaven. Do you regret wasting seasons of life on foolish pursuits? So do I. But we can stop our laments. We have an eternity to make up for lost time. Are you puzzled by the challenges of your days? Then see yourself as a jewel and God as a lapidary. He is polishing you for your place in his kingdom. Your biggest moments lie ahead, on the other side of the grave. ” I love this quote, especially as I consider the very strange possibility that at least half my life on earth is behind me.

So what does it all mean for NOW? “Seek those things which are above, where Christ is sitting at the right hand of God.” (Colossians 3:1) That means we obsess about God and His Kingdom. Keep Him in mind all the time. He is with us. It doesn’t mean we shouldn’t enjoy the tangible and intangible gifts of this life. The people, the places, and whatever God blesses us with. But first and foremost remember God. It’s all about Him. Knowing HIm. Loving Him. His plans and desires for us should be our own.

“I have called you friends.” (John 15:15) Knowing Jesus is life’s greatest joy and greatest achievement. Keeping Heaven in sight means giving Jesus our attention first, as our first love. He becomes more and more real as we spend time with Him.

Sometimes we say we don’t have time for prayer or Bible Study. But what is so pressing? Isn’t it the things of the world that we are putting ahead of Jesus? Seeking God through prayer, if you think about it, is the biggest time SAVER in the world! How much is squandered by chasing and building our own pigpens, instead of knowing, loving and listening to the Creator — the One who will soon welcome us home — no matter where we are in life’s journey.

John 14 1-7 (MSG) ^1-4“Don’t let this throw you. You trust God, don’t you? Trust me. There is plenty of room for you in my Father’s home. If that weren’t so, would I have told you that I’m on my way to get a room ready for you? And if I’m on my way to get your room ready, I’ll come back and get you so you can live where I live. And you already know the road I’m taking.”

⁵Thomas said, “Master, we have no idea where you’re going. How do you expect us to know the road?”

^6-7Jesus said, “I am the Road, also the Truth, also the Life. No one gets to the Father apart from me. If you really knew me, you would know my Father as well. From now on, you do know him. You’ve even seen him!”