Category Archives: divorce

double blow out!

divorce, gratitude, personal growth

IMG_5834When I was very newly divorced, I wrote 5 short articles, which as a series I called “Recently Singled Out.”  I was hoping they would one day help others. I had no plan for publishing them, and no one read them. I tucked the hard copies away and totally forgot them, only to be found just now as I’m starting my blog! God is so good! 😉 I’m pretty sure I had never heard of a blog in 2006. I’ll share them here, labeled “article” with my voice as it was (present tense in 2006). I’ve added a few notes, labeled “perspective.”

2006 Article: In the middle of a divorce or any life crisis, even more “bad” things are likely to happen, because we are stressed, distracted and not fully ourselves.

IMG_14082013 Perspective: I remember one day when, returning home from getting a cast on one child’s broken arm (2 days late after a misdiagnosis), I ran over our Jack Russell in my Suburban! My healthy child was at a swim meet with no mom watching, so I had to wake up my child home alone with mono to hold the dog on the way to the vet. The vet (who was in the middle of surgery when we all busted in the room) took one look at the dog in shock, and sent us home without Bandit. He believed the little guy would be dead from internal bleeding in no time. The good news? Bandit only needed two stitches! (We believe he is a “fenine” with 9 lives). At the time, I took this all in stride without tears or much emotion at all. It just seemed normal. I was in survival mode – with no idea that most of my days were crazy!

2006 Article: My life has been so unbelievably “bad” that countless people have told me I should write a screenplay. It would have all the elements of sensation needed to excite Hollywood. The biggest problem is that when the story is told, my last two years don’t read as credible! All that just couldn’t happen to one person in such a short time.

IMG_5920One day a sweet friend sent me flowers with a card that read, “I’m thinking of you.”  I didn’t know if she was thinking of me because of my marital issues and separation, my ex husband’s cancer diagnosis and subsequent move back to my house, or because I had found my aptly named lab, Punkin, dead in her crate Sunday morning. All deserved tears, and all happened within days of one another. My sister still insists I should write a country ballad full of that week’s heartache. Maybe one day I’ll be able to tell my story with poetic humor. Nashville, are you listening?

Until then, I have learned through it all to see the good in “bad” situations – even to laugh in the face of it all. Punkin could have died a slow death. God knew we couldn’t take that too. While his cancer delayed my divorce by many months, it afforded me the time to get my emotions and mind in check and to strengthen myself for the process. Mayo (where we sought treatment) is near the beach, so it gave me a respite I could never have claimed at home. I also had a sister nearby, and both she and my brother-in-law were with me through it all.

I have found it is also essential to find humor whenever possible, even when I feel such despair that I’d like to curl up in bed all day or maybe even not wake up. Though usually short-lived, and now infrequent, these days are real. I don’t want to deny them and give the impression that I can always laugh or be thankful. I cannot.

sometimes the seaweed just rolls in
at times the seaweed just rolls in

I knew that I had made great progress the day I had a double blow out! After picking up a sandwich, I was trying to turn out of a parking lot. The lady in front of me was moving too slowly for my mood, so  I did a u-turn and went out of my way to use the other exit.  My mind drifted and I hit the curb – hard. I blew out both tires on the right side. My car already needed four new tires, and I had almost bought them the day before. I was truly thankful not to be buying tires number 5 and 6 in less than 24 hours. I turned on the hazards and called AAA. The wrecker wouldn’t  be there for 20 minutes, so I ate my sandwich. For some reason the battery died too, and with it my hazards. People started honking and cussing me like I had randomly chosen to have a picnic at the intersection!

I started laughing out loud! About that time my sister called (I put her on speaker so the angry drivers would just think I was crazy and talking to myself). I told her I  just had a double blow out, and it was the BEST thing that had happened to me in a long time! I meant it in all sincerity. If I had used the other exit, I most likely would be in a ditch. The tires I needed were in stock.  The wrecker arrived quickly and also changed my battery. My sandwich didn’t get soggy. Except for the blowouts, everything had gone incredibly well! 😉

IMG_5488Like I said, sometimes I feel downright gloomy. But this mini wreck served as an example of what a difference perspective and thankfulness can make. Divorce could definitely be compared to a double blow out! Despite how wrong my life seems right now,  just after my settlement, maybe I just need to shift my perspective to all the ways I have grown through all this.

2013 Perspective: More than 7 years later, I can honestly say I am thankful to God for all I have been through, because of the wonderful ways he has used adversity to teach me growing dependence on Him and a surrender and humility I never knew before. And what faith He is growing in me! I am learning to trust Him ruthlessly, because He has come through when I am utterly weak and powerless. He has shown me time and again that he knows me by name, and cares intimately about my life and my heart for Him.

the divorce chapter

divorce
with Rob – God’s plan beyond what I ever could have imagined

Despite being deeply in love and grateful for a wonderful husband and marriage, I’m going to talk about divorce. About being single in my 40s. About loneliness and dating as a divorcee… things I would rather forget, but they are possibly worth sharing.

I remember marveling in my early 20s at how and why people would divorce after 20 years. If you can make it that long… why quit? I also dreamed of my 25th wedding anniversary. That milestone is so romantic and noteworthy.

IMG_1388
Forum, Rome Italy

I divorced about a month shy of my twentieth wedding anniversary. Though I had many great memories in those years, from a marriage perspective, all twenty years were hard. For a long time, I couldn’t even say the word divorce, much less contemplate doing it. Finally, in the privacy of his office, my minister gave me the permission I needed: “Louise, divorce is in the Bible for you.” I don’t want to glorify divorce, so I’ll share details sparingly. My hope is that my personal experiences through some commonalities might help someone else. Whether you are going through divorce, newly single, or know someone who is, I’m offering some perspective for navigating really rough waters.

Worth noting, I never heard from any pulpit (publicly) that leaving marriage is the right choice in some incidences — until a few weeks ago. It made me cry, even though I’ve been remarried almost 4 years.  I wish my children could have heard that. I wish those blessed with loving spouses who see divorce as a character flaw and want to give divorcees and their children a politely wide berth could have heard it. I wish those contemplating divorce because they “have grown apart” or “just don’t feel in love anymore” could have heard it. God gives specific grounds. Nothing else is legitimate.

IMG_2126No one has a right to a happy marriage or to leaving one that is not “happy.” He can redeem all things! God does say in the case of infidelity and abandonment, divorce is allowed.  I believe abusive behaviors – both physical and verbal abuse – demonstrate clear abandonment of the Biblical covenant. I wish more ministers would boldly speak from the Word of God on this. If more people sought Biblical wisdom, even with the allowances present, I believe less Christians would divorce for unbiblical reasons.

I believe in the sanctity of the marriage covenant. I believed (in my first marriage) that if I loved God and my husband, God would fix my marriage. But it takes three. God continues to shower me with His Grace. Still, divorce hurts children and spouses, even when it is the better choice. The repercussions don’t just end, because the covenant was never meant to. But, there is hope and healing. Our God is a God of redemption!

My divorce was a long and awful process. I have asked for and received God’s forgiveness for my sins involved. It’s all part of my story. I wouldn’t be who I am today without my first marriage. I wouldn’t have my children. I wouldn’t be married to Rob, who is the most amazing person I know. Divorce was ultimately the result of sin — both those of myself and my ex husband.

IMG_5541But God allowed it all and used it for my good! I desperately wanted happily ever after. But through the processes of divorce, being single, remarriage, and blending families, I continue to learn. I have been taught a much deeper dependence, faith, surrender, and trust than I ever understood. I was probably too stubborn, self righteous, naive and self sufficient to grow more like Christ without heartache. I have much more confidence and hope for the future (whatever it holds), because I can look back at God’s incredible tenderness, presence, provision, love, and faithfulness through the tough times I’ve survived and the gifts and blessings He gave along the way.

Not long after my divorce was final, I wrote 5 articles — thoughts to share with those who might be walking the path I just completed. Or even with those who only experience divorce from the outside. It is my hope and prayer that God will use all I have been through to help someone else. To this end, I will share my humble experiences, all categorized under divorce. But I don’t let them define me anymore! 😉 They are just a chapter in a story, all moving toward a more fabulous wedding feast than I could ever imagine!