Category Archives: divorce

Sex and Singleness

September 29, 2014divorce, Freedom, heart of prayer, joy, personal growthlouise

Sex and Singleness: several have suggested I write about it. I’m happy to talk to all who ask, but putting my thoughts out there where anyone can read them? I’ve resisted. Recently, in discussing an altogether different topic, the subject of premarital sex was mentioned… I felt God nudging me out of my comfort zone.

Prayerfully and very humbly I’m sharing some of how God led me during my single years after divorce. Hopefully, there’s something here for everyone: for friends and parents, for singles of all ages, and for married folks who feel they messed up something important. God loves you and has your best interests at heart — in sexuality and all things.

First, what does God say in His Word? It’s always good to be clear on what the Bible says and know that you believe it. I like The Message for these verses — it takes away formality, which we use to see ambiguity, which allows us to rationalize… There are many more verses, but let’s consider these two.

Hebrews 13:4 “Honor marriage, and guard the sacredness of sexual intimacy between wife and husband. God draws a firm line against casual and illicit sex.”

1 Corinthians 6:18-20 “There’s more to sex than mere skin on skin. Sex is as much spiritual mystery as physical fact. As written in Scripture, ‘The two become one.’ Since we want to become spiritually one with the Master, we must not pursue the kind of sex that avoids commitment and intimacy, leaving us more lonely than ever—the kind of sex that can never ‘become one.’ There is a sense in which sexual sins are different from all others. In sexual sin we violate the sacredness of our own bodies, these bodies that were made for God-given and God-modeled love, for ‘becoming one’ with another. Or didn’t you realize that your body is a sacred place, the place of the Holy Spirit? Don’t you see that you can’t live however you please, squandering what God paid such a high price for? The physical part of you is not some piece of property belonging to the spiritual part of you. God owns the whole works. So let people see God in and through your body.”

So exactly what God has to say about it, isn’t the debate. I don’t see much wiggle room. God makes it clear how we can live to please Him concerning sex. Is He limiting us? Or protecting us? 100% — God’s guidelines around sex (and anything else He asks of us) are NOT simply a limitation, even though He draws a firm line against premarital sex. He wants our lives to be abundant and full — in ALL seasons and situations.

God is offering us guardrails. This summer, Rob and I rode in a car along the Amalfi Coast. The “shoulder” was not a foot wide before plummeting to the sea, the driver spoke no English, and the two-way traffic was chaotic — buses, vans, bikes, and cars, all disregarding the marked lanes and moving forward in any way possible.

The guardrails were our only hope of arriving alive! Everyone respected and trusted the wisdom of the guardrails — and the scars and scrapes along the sides of most vehicles proved their worth. Not even the pedestrians risked climbing over the rails to walk on the unprotected edge… No one felt their experience was less exciting, less productive, or limited in any way by moving within the rails. Like us, they felt protected.

I don’t need to spell out the application of the guard rail metaphor to pre-marital sex. It’s equally applicable to loving your enemies, forgiving offenders, prayer without ceasing, tithing and many other direct commands of God. Will we trust Him in all things? Or will we decide for ourselves what is right, and live however we please?

A trusting, God-driven motivation is ultimately of utmost importance regarding premarital sex and many other choices. As parents, no matter what our history, we know casual sex isn’t a good thing. We teach our kids to abstain using the Bible, fear of pregnancy, and anything else that might “work.” This is not necessarily bad, but any behavior modification done for another human being is somewhat shallow and difficult to sustain. Each of us needs to eventually make our decisions based on God’s will for us. We need to leave space for God to wrestle with loved ones where they are. Do we believe our prayers are our most precious and worthy efforts on other’s behalf — no matter where they are struggling?

It’s all about relationship — between an individual and God. It’s about loving God, trusting Him, and surrendering our desires to His will. He can use anything for our good — even our mistakes. He wants our hearts. 2 John 1:6 says “And this is love: that we walk in obedience to his commands.”

Do you trust Him and His ways? Can you see how faithful and good to you He has been? Do you believe He really has “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” (Jeremiah 29:11) We want to obey because we love God, and our relationship with Him comes before all else. Not even in marriage should our love for God be in competition with our love for our spouse. It’s simple: love God first and foremost, and all the wonderful second things of life fall into place. Put second things first (ahead of God), and end up with nothing working quite right.

The earthly benefits of waiting until marriage to have sex are way longer-lived and more satisfying than any momentary pleasure gained from illicit sex. At a minimum, trust and respect between marriage partners will be profoundly enhanced. What joy and security there is in knowing your spouse’s love for the Lord is more important than anything else — and worth sacrificing for. It’s the foundation God says works best for marriage.

How to do it? The familiar verse is 1 Corinthians 10:13. “No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; he’ll never let you be pushed past your limit; he’ll always be there to help you come through it.” Pray and trust — and add a little common sense to it!

Don’t ask others to read your mind — tell them what you’re thinking. When dating, your commitment to wait until marriage should be discussed on the front end. If the other person doesn’t get it, you have saved yourself the heart ache of falling in love with the wrong one! You are looking for a maturity of faith and a commitment to God in your partner, or I’m guessing you wouldn’t have read this far. Don’t compromise God’s perfect plan for you.

If the person you are dating has no personal commitment to purity, but will honor your wishes, that could become an issue in more ways than one. You want God to be their #1 if you are even considering an intimate relationship. Also when one person is weak, the other is strong. Personal prayers, and conversations about why you are waiting need to always be at the forefront of the relationship. Be clear, even with yourself, that God is Lord and the undisputed #1 love of your life!

A warning about prayer. I know it sounds strange… but in my experience, praying with someone of the opposite sex can equal or even surpass the intimacy of sex — and the premature closeness can cause relational vulnerability. Don’t rush into praying together. Do pray without ceasing through every date — reminding yourself that your loving, good Father is with you — protecting you and showing you His path that leads to Life!

And what about those, married or single, who have already “messed up” on on this one — those who were unable to resist? A majority of people from their early adolescence have to deal one way or another with their God-given sexual appetite. 1 John 1:9 says “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” Psalm 103:12 gives further assurance, “He has removed our sins as far as the east is from the west.”

There may still be consequences, but if you seek forgiveness and repent (turn toward God and His ways), anyone can begin anew. Our God is a God of grace and great redemption!

I love the imagery below: life God’s way is “a living, spirited dance.” Pleasing and trusting God in all of life isn’t drudgery or a wet blanket — it’s our JOY! It’s not up to us to figure it out or even to make it happen. We just need to be sure we’re spending time with Him daily, and inviting Him to work in us as we surrender our will to His and love Him most of all.

1 Thessalonians 4: 3-5 “One final word, friends. We ask you—urge is more like it—that you keep on doing what we told you to do to please God, not in a dogged religious plod, but in a living, spirited dance. You know the guidelines we laid out for you from the Master Jesus. God wants you to live a pure life. Keep yourselves from sexual promiscuity. Learn to appreciate and give dignity to your body, not abusing it, as is so common among those who know nothing of God.”

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5 things EVERYONE should know about Divorce

August 22, 2014divorce, Freedom, gratitude, personal growthlouise

Divorce, in some ways, is my least favorite topic to write about. Sometimes I wish I could block it all out of my mind. It’s the worst experience God has allowed and redeemed in my life so far. It’s also the season where so much of my spiritual and emotional growth has occurred. I believe God wants me to share all He has taught me through the darkness. If it took what I’ve been through to bring me to where I am — it was all worth it.

My posts around divorce have generated some of the largest responses. Your comments are personally very encouraging to me and an affirmation that maybe God is somehow in this blog. So here’s another “divorce” post where I’ll share from my personal experiences — to His Glory. Everyone’s unique, but many things He taught me through divorce are applicable to anyone.

I’m writing to empathize with others who have been through divorce. To those who want to be a good friend to someone in a bad marriage. Also, to be real and honest about the BIG picture with those who are still married, but think the grass might be greener in other pastures. And even to the single people who are in love and contemplating marriage — be very thoughtful and prayerful before getting caught up in the celebration. The wedding quickly ends, but the marriage is intended to last forever.

In 2003 the inevitable dissolution of my 1st marriage became apparent; some tough years followed. By 2009 when I met Rob, my story had become one of Life, Joy and Love. My love story has a happy ending, in that I am now married to the most wonderful man in the world. We have the kind of relationship I never dreamed could exist, in a totally good way. That’s why I asked my daughter to read Ephesians 3:20 at our wedding. I am often overwhelmed with gratitude for all God has done in me and for me, despite my sins that led to divorce. He walked with me through it all, which gives me a much greater faith moving forward. The words in red above are links to previous posts related to divorce and some things I’ve learned.

Rob and I are building a business and a home together — it’s not always easy. A successful second marriage (or single life for that matter) is not the final chapter of the “Divorce Book.” Even with our happiness, the consequences and pain of divorce continue to creep into our lives, as we muddle through each new stage of life.

Five things I’ve learned about life after divorce. #1 is primarily for those who are divorced, but we’re all touched by divorce in some way. If I had understood these things earlier, the outcome wouldn’t have changed for me. But I would have been better prepared to navigate my own divorce and a better friend to others in theirs.

1. Divorce is NOT who you are. It took a while for me to be able to even say the “D” word out loud; I didn’t see myself as the kind of person who got divorced. Then for a while I totally defined myself as a divorced person — in shame. I was a second rate citizen, a misfit in my own mind. If you can relate, stop the lies now. Repent of the sin that led to divorce. Let God heal you, and live your life a new way!

Following are a few TRUE things God has to say about me (and you) in His Word. God says I am loved. I am favored. I am His child. I am chosen. I belong. I delight Him… We all need to seek truth, what God says about us, and believe that — not the shame filled lies and condemnation.

2. Though sometimes it doesn’t feel like it, your life will be good again. I don’t know what your future holds, but I do know, if you seek Him and trust God ruthlessly, He will redeem it all in a way that is perfect for you. Hang on to hope. “‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you.'” (Jeremiah 29:11) And reread Ephesians 3:20 — it’s true for you too!

3. Divorce will most likely never “go away,” especially if you have children. This is a BIGGIE. Even after 18 (and certainly before) — children deserve parents who love each other. Many details were out of my control, but divorce made me a participant in stealing “family” as it was intended from my kids. I grieve that for them every single day. Children don’t divorce their other parent, even if they can understand the dissolution is all for the best. As co-parents your ex are still somewhat thrown “together.” A few things you may not have considered if you’re contemplating divorce and have children:

Your children could have “significant others” playing a parent role in their lives – half of whom are totally out of your control.
Holidays can be wonderful, but there’s an element that is forever tough and broken. Sometimes you might be alone.
“Blended” family is a misnomer — even in the best of circumstances. A blender combines elements creating something altogether new. In reality, it’s more of a crock pot life. SLOW to evolve, with each individual ingredient maintaining its identity — there’s a lot of heat and steam as things things cook. Each ingredient plays a role, and possibly something wonderful emerges! Sometimes the crock pot just nukes things.
The other parent will do things you don’t agree with (like they probably did in marriage) and you will probably have LESS chance of discussion and influence.
Even now with older children — I look ahead and wonder how “family” events will go (where sometimes family is a bunch of people who wish they didn’t remember each other). I know I will need to put my desires and feelings on a back burner to support our children — who didn’t ask for any of this. All part of my daily broken heart.
When everything familiar is ripped from beneath them, kids have to grow up too fast. No matter how much you try to protect them, divorce prematurely launches children into an adult world. Because they are not developmentally ready for the turbulent waters, children often experience a range of changes: anger, disrespect, loss of relationship, confusion, perfectionism, personality changes, depression, anxiety, fear… Parental emotions and fatigue are heightened. It’s a bad combination, and the adults have to step up to the plate. That said, guilt is a horrible parent — and hard to shake from your parenting tools during and after a divorce. Fight hard for your children’s family to remain intact. And no matter what happens, trust God and believe He will use it all for the good of everyone. (Romans 8:28)

4. God gave Biblical reasons for divorce to protect you, not to limit you. I know this is controversial territory. If you are a believer contemplating divorce, read your Bible and trust Him. Seek Godly counsel. Be sure you and God are together in your decisions. Gotquestions.org can help you get started; “First of all, no matter what view one takes on the issue of divorce, it is important to remember Malachi 2:16: “I hate divorce, says the LORD God of Israel.” According to the Bible, marriage is a lifetime commitment… God realizes, though, that since marriages involve two sinful human beings, divorces are going to occur. In the Old Testament, He laid down some laws in order to protect the rights of divorcees, especially women (Deuteronomy 24:1-4). Jesus pointed out that these laws were given because of the hardness of people’s hearts, not because they were God’s desire (Matthew 19:8).” The flip side: Divorce can be our loving God’s provision of protection for you and your children. Sometimes the preachers fail to say this from the pulpit – for fear they will mislead those who shouldn’t divorce. Whether divorced with or without Biblical grounds, sin was involved. God forgives and redeems those who seek Him — those who love and obey Him.

5. Divorce is a financial downturn- no matter what you’re dividing. While nothing matches the emotional costs of divorce, the monetary repercussions are worth mentioning. Of course there are the obvious: often enormous legal fees, twice the living expenses (once you separate), double purchases to take care of children and the splitting of assets controlled entirely by a legal system that is more of a crap shoot than a justice system. Then there’s the inevitable changes that follow — good ones and bad ones that mean a rebuilding of the infrastructure of life. Instability is expensive. Moving and rebuilding your life costs money that otherwise might have gone to much more rewarding things.

In summary, I hope it’s obvious that despite having been through a divorce, I strongly believe in the covenant of marriage, and God’s teaching around it. I think God hates divorce because it hurts people deeply. In the case of my first marriage, I was also struggling to grow significantly in my faith while remaining in the environment that relationship provided.

A good marriage is one of God’s most amazing gifts to us. My marriage to Rob has taught me so much about God and His love. However, if I hadn’t met Rob, I had arrived at a place where I was okay being single — for one reason. Jesus. Jesus loves me. He is my first love, and He is all I ever needed. God is Bigger than divorce, He is BIGGER than my sins. He loves me and He is GOOD all the time.

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Cheap Forgiveness

May 20, 2014divorce, Freedom, gratitude, heart of prayer, personal growthlouise

I’ve always tried to quickly forgive those who wronged me. It’s in my own best interest and it’s what we do as Christians, right? But why do I sometimes not experience the freedom of forgiving — of letting go and letting God? Why does my resentment seep out and why do I still feel a need to explain it all at times?

I was taught that hanging on to grudges, anger and resentment only hurt me — not the one who did the wrong. And that unforgiveness is like a “cancer” that could grow inside me… who wants that? It all made sense, so I quickly forgave wrongs. If I struggled with unforgiveness at all, I reminded myself of Romans 12:19, “Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written:’It’s mine to avenge; I will repay,’ says the Lord.”

I more or less said, “I forgive ___ for all he/ she has done.” And told God. I didn’t have to tell the person, if it didn’t seem appropriate. After all, the bad guys don’t always agree that they have wronged us, or worse, they don’t always care. Forgiveness is between God and me. I could just tell Him that I had forgiven someone, and move on, hopefully feeling lighter and free. But that wasn’t always the case.

I don’t think this was necessarily wrong or untrue. I was more than willing to disregard offenses, but my understanding of forgiveness was very limited. Now God is beginning to teach me that forgiveness is a process I can enter into WITH Him. I can forgive myself or others from my privileged relationship with the author of forgiveness, and that’s when the power and blessings really flourish.

Just after my divorce was final, someone challenged my definition of forgiveness. He said quick forgiveness can be cheap forgiveness. That to truly forgive, I still needed to balance the ledger — to count all the costs. I thought I had left behind examining all the past unpleasantness, and I was more than ready to move on! So I was sad and frustrated to admit the counselor was making sense to me. How could I have really forgiven that which I hadn’t fully acknowledged or even named?

I started the process anew… God’s goal in the life of believers is to conform us to the likeness of His Son, Jesus Christ. There is nothing more basic to our relationship with Jesus than His forgiveness, and His wasn’t cheap. One way we can look like Christ is to practice forgiving others. It follows that as His children we will be given ample challenges on this earth to forgive. In our ups and downs, through our own mistakes, trials and wrongs done to us, all of us are given a lifetime to walk with Jesus and do the hard work of forgiveness.

This process of forgiveness with God is not quick, and often not that easy, but from my fledgling attempts, I’ve found it to be so worth the effort! Perhaps you have something you’ve tried to get beyond, but it feels like your forgiveness isn’t complete? While there’s not a precise formula for forgiving prayer, I have found a few Biblical examples to add to the original basics I learned. Combined they help me to get real with myself, with God, and to truly trust Him with transgressions.

First, the basics from Sunday School:

It’s true, some offenses feel unforgivable. Forgiving might not make us “whole” again. But unforgiveness guarantees we won’t be okay. Forgiveness is for our own good, and not for the ones who hurt us. Beth Moore says it this way,” God is faithful. He will plead our case and take up our cause… but only when we make a deliberate decision to cease representing ourselves in the matter.” We forgive WITH God.

Forgiveness means to send away or let go from oneself. It is the continual act of agreeing with God in a matter, and offering others the same mercy He gave us. It’s active surrender of the situation, the repercussions, and the offender to Him. Sometimes we need to recommit to forgiveness daily. We forgive TO God.

There are two important steps I’ve been missing: Pray ABOUT and FOR the person you need to forgive. The purpose of both prayers is to change our own hearts — to align them with His. To the point of my counselor many years ago, we need to pray about the person who hurt us before we can pray for them with sincerity and a pure heart — only then can we feel the full freedom of forgiveness.

Praying about a situation is basically tattling on them to God (instead of the toxic venting to numerous others our flesh seems to enjoy). Tell Him about all the things someone did to you, and all the ways you were hurt as a result. Tell Him how upset you are and how unfairly you have been treated. Psalm 62:8 says “Trust in Him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to Him, for God is your refuge.”

David, a man after God’s own heart, told God about those who had offended him in emotional verses such as these:

Psalm 5:9 “Not a word from their mouths can be trusted; their heart is filled with destruction”
Psalm 17:10-11.13 “They close up their callous hearts, and their mouths speak with arrogance. They have tracked me down and now throw me to the ground… Rise up, O Lord, confront them, bring them down, rescue me.”

David vents his anger and you can almost hear whining as he voices his requests to God in prayer. He is real and doesn’t hold back. We are encouraged to do the same — to bring our authentic complaints and feelings to God. We need to pour out the confusion, anger, hurt, despair, bitterness, doubt and all the foulness we feel about the situation to God, so He can in turn fill us with Himself.

Some people best pour their hearts out verbally while alone, others in counseling, journal entries, or forgiveness worksheets. There are many ways to pour out your heart to God, and all are acceptable as long as you are honest and thorough. God knows everything already. What He’s teaching me is to allow Him do His work in me during the process of my confessing feelings and thoughts. Sometimes He listens quietly, and other times He helps me to see where my perspective may be skewed on an issue. God wants us to be real from the depths of our hearts, regardless of where we are.

When I’m willing to empty my whole heart to God (whatever it contains), I am giving Him my pain and hurt, so that it doesn’t turn to bitterness. In pouring out my thoughts to God, I’m forced to examine myself, and give Him the opportunity to correct me where I’m wrong. He transforms and fills me as I allow. I’m certainly not a master of forgiveness to freedom… but I’ve tasted a little of it, and I know I want more.

Thankfully, the Bible is full of great role models. Job is another example of a man in the depths of bad circumstances and raw emotions, who empties himself before God. Like David, Job’s complaints were not watered down, but were acceptable to God because he loved God with honor and reverence. Moses and Abraham, also friends of God, felt they could trust God with their honest laments and questions, even when they were mad at God. They were humble and trusting as they honestly shared their pain.

Like these men in the Bible, I know I’ve been mad at God Himself. “God you could have saved a life — stopped the divorce — prevented financial pain… with a glance or a whisper my way. Why didn’t you?” While I never had the right to be mad at God, He understands, and He can handle my anger. He welcomes us to bring our reality to Him, so He can minister to our hearts and minds. If we don’t start where we REALLY are, how can God move us to a place of truth and forgiveness — to remembering God’s faithfulness, goodness and love for us?

If you are struggling, as I do, in being so blatantly honest with God, search the Psalms for countless examples to encourage you. Then continue pouring out all you hurts, tattle tell on your offenders, show God your wounds and their repercussions. Don’t stop until you feel the bitterness waning and God’s love filling the emptiness you have created. Trust and gratitude will be our signs that we are ready for the next step.

Pray for the person you need to forgive. I have often tried praying for my enemies… but my prayers “for” the forgiven lacked sincerity of heart and quickly slipped into the “talk about the offender to God” stage that I had skipped! In this new process, God is teaching me not to rush through forgiveness. With God’s help, I hope to more supernaturally shift to praying FOR my offenders. I believe when I have given God all responsibility for handling my pain and burdens, He will be faithful to transform my mind, and fill me with gratitude, love and mercy.

Peter 3:9 says “Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called, so that you may inherit a blessing.” Why should we forgive and pray for our offenders? Because it’s God’s way. And the way of our natural flesh — the way that feels right to me when I’m mad or hurt — gains us nothing but trouble. God created our hearts. He is in control and knows what we need to heal and prosper. And through Jesus’ work on the cross, He provided the greatest act of forgiveness ever. Matthew 6:14-15 says “For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.”

“After Job had prayed for his friends, the Lord made him prosperous again and gave him twice as much as he had before… The Lord blessed the latter part of Job’s life more than the first.” (Job 42:10,12) Whatever forms our blessings come in, God will do the same for us when we are willing to forgive His way.

There’s a current situation in my life where I feel my forgiveness has been too quick. Too cheap. Done with too much independence. I’m committed to continuing to practice forgiveness with God and to God. To doing the hard things He desires. To thinking as He does. To learning to pray for my offender in a way that feels sincere — and trusting and believing that God will bless me in it all.

Mark 11:25 “And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins. ”

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