All posts by louise

A Midlife Prayer Offered in the Middle of the Night

March 26, 2015Freedom, gratitude, heart of prayer, joy, Live like you are dying, Mid life, Purposelouise

***I took this post down yesterday, so that I could add a few explanatory thoughts that might be helpful if this seems “heavy.” This is a real prayer first written in my journal – just between God and me. Friends have asked me how to pray — to have a personal relationship with Jesus. There are many answers. I decided to share one intimate prayer of my own.

I posted this with a lightness of heart and spirit only God can provide. He showed me that while the backside of life and the empty nest require a lot of letting go, it’s not predominantly about loss but change. And that there is value and purpose NOW – especially growing more like Jesus, which means more like myself every day. This half (including a few tears) is a wonderful gift we can slowly unwrap and savor until we understand fully what’s at its center (spoiler alert: it’s Jesus).

My blogs often involve being vulnerable and allowing others a view into my heart. My prayer below is a glimpse of a small fragment of my prayer-life — which is filled with honesty, love and joy. Please read this noticing how God moved me from acknowledging my fear (the world tempts us all with its ways) to victory and joy. To Him be the Glory!***

The response to moms at midlife was humbling. My husband said men experience similar emotions and told me he wanted to read more… for me to answer so what now?

I don’t know. I’m not there yet. God’s still working out His plan and asking me to share my journey as it unfolds. The vulnerability that requires is scarier than the actual experience. But God has never disappointed me when I listen and obey Him.

I’m no longer at home in my “normal” life. I usually sleep well, but restless, I started to pray this morning around 3 am.

Dear Jesus, I’m scared. I’m not sure who I am or what I’m doing — but I’m pretty sure I’m off-track. Something feels wrong. I need Your help.

I’m thinking about my children and the details of their lives; You are good. I’m worried about my parents, our business; You are sovereign. My neck hurts and doctors have no answers; You are my Healer…

I’m quickly recognizing that I’m more focused on circumstances than Your character and faithfulness. I’m not trusting You. Why can’t I hang on to what I know to be true? I know You use all things for good – I’ve lived it. Yet, I feel stress, unrest and fear. Is this something you can work with?

You say Your strength is made perfect in my weakness — I am ripe for the pickin. I know myself to be less strong, less in control, less knowledgable, less proud, less attractive, less useful… than I ever thought before.

I’m 50 years old and often don’t know what to do, and don’t do what I know is right. My head knowledge masquerades as faith, while my heart so often doubts the Truth. I don’t feel as together as I thought I would at 50.

I conformed to this world’s idolatrous bill of goods instead of believing Your Word alone. How ridiculous that I thought life was about events, accomplishments and circumstances I could piece together and control — instead of about You. Instead of fearing You, I’ve put you in a box I could understand, and built a life around that. It turns out it was a house of cards… and what has proven to be truly meaningful in my life is all about You, relationships and love.

I naively thought if I checked the boxes, did my best (or at least followed conventional wisdom), life would look a certain way. Today’s reality wasn’t my vision. In fact, this whole in-between stage was never on my radar. I’m totally caught off guard. My present life is a blank slate of sorts. Maybe that’s how you want it?

I know it sounds dumb — and it was — but I didn’t anticipate my body beginning to ache, pooch and wrinkle. Not yet. I believed in my parent’s immortality, too. I thought if I was a great mom I could protect my children, and they wouldn’t have to learn things the hard way as I did. It’s difficult letting go of what was and what was supposed to be, even though I know you love us all more than I can comprehend.

I took the financial climate of the 80s and 90s for granted, and let it offer me security. It’s obvious now that the global economy is fragile, and my trust was misplaced. You are my only real supply. And you offer abundance.

I’ve been surprised by the many troubles I’ve encountered in a fallen world, even though you gave me fair warning. I thought people were basically good and life would constantly get easier. I believed in arriving at some greener patch of grass — just around the bend. You are teaching me to lose entitlement and live in consuming gratitude — usually my best lessons have come in the midst of storms.

I welcomed the freedom of living in the United States and felt sorry for people in many other nations. “They” were the ones we send prayers, money and missionaries to. I never dreamed of terrorism on our soil or of Christians being persecuted here. I fear it’s only the beginning. I never thought I would really have to suffer for You. Listening to the news is beginning to humble me; I want to be courageous and honor Your Name, if that’s where You lead me.

Jesus, forgive me. I haven’t been humbled nearly enough by your completed work on the cross. Or overwhelmed by your love for me. I haven’t feared you. I’ve often asked You to bless my own desires, then been surprised by unfavorable outcomes. I haven’t understood my sin or taken it as seriously as You did. I still condemn myself instead of fully accepting your forgiveness and freedom. You are teaching me more and more about the magnitude of Your Grace, Glory and Majesty.

I can talk a good game, Jesus, but I want to walk your walk. Drink from your cup. I know how earthbound my heart is. My hope is in YOU Lord, but this world’s promises tempt and distract me. You are wooing me to be still at your side. To prayer and listening.

I see You in it all, Lord. Before me, behind me, holding me, guiding me. This season is a gift, isn’t it? Thank you!

Forgive me for resisting it. Keep teaching me what it looks like to repent. To turn toward You. Jesus, here I am at 50, a hot-flashing mess of a child. But I’m Your child and heir, and you love me. I desperately want You, despite my selfish ways. You will never leave me. You want to bless me with abundant Life.

My hands are open, Lord. Take what I need to let go of. Fill me with your Spirit. Teach me what it means to let You carry my burdens. Your yoke is light. Teach me how to love my neighbors well and how to be a friend who loves at all times.

Lord you are dissipating today’s stress and fear and replacing them with hope. I am closer to You than ever before. You are my Life. My changing body is clay in Your hands. Mold me into whatever vessel pleases you. I want to reflect You.

Thank you for this unique season where the noise is a little less and distractions more negotiable. I have ample time to pray; Lord give me discipline and desire for You. I want to hear Your voice.

Jesus, I sense this second half of life is less about loss than I thought. “To live is Christ and to die is gain.” You are actively working in my life. As long as I surrender my will, each day I will more closely resemble the woman you created me to be. I’ll be a little more like Jesus.

Give me patience in the journey. Sometimes I just want to be home with You. The joy of the Lord is my strength! Fill me to overflowing. I’ll trust You and lean not on my understanding. With You all things are possible. I will not fear for You have not given me a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. Teach me to trust Your Word, not my fickle feelings.

It’s a bold prayer offered in total weakness, Jesus. I’m trusting You to have Your way in my life and to help me remain focused on You. You knew this was how 50 would look on me. You began a good work in me and by grace through faith, You promise to finish it.

Thank you, Lord. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

I am greatly encouraged by your comments and thoughts! If you would like to get future posts by email, please let me know below. You can unsubscribe at any time.

Mid-life Mom… Who am I and What am I to Do?

March 23, 2015heart of prayer, loneliness, Mid life, personal growth, Purpose, waitinglouise

What happened to my flowers?!?

We went to the beach in the midst of a beautiful Tallahassee spring. My yard was full of color and promise; azaleas, Japanese Magnolias and Dogwood were splendid with blooms! Less than 48 hours later, the flowers of “spring,” certainly the shortest season in North Florida, were all but gone.

Pictures of the same Japanese Magnolia taken just days apart

Spring’s promise is being fulfilled too quickly for my tastes. It seems the transition happens overnight, as one day we wake up to the full-on green of summer’s heat. Cycles of change are inevitable in nature and in the lives of individuals — in my life.

I remember my mom saying each year passes more swiftly than the last. It made no sense to me as a child enduring the seeming eternity between Thanksgiving and Christmas. But today I agree with the generations before me. “Tempus do fugit,” as Granny liked to say agreeing with Mom; time flies.

I said in my last post I would write about “His continuing work of grace in my heart.” The time stamp says it was a month ago — I would have guessed 10 days. Barbara Bush had a quote about the life of young mothers being comprised of “long days and short years.” It’s so true! And for this 50-year old empty nester, this month has been similar. I am a mother without a child.

Lately I feel like a misfit: a stranger in my own body and mind — lost and confused. Something akin to the insecurity of adolescence when we are children in increasingly adult bodies, I am a searching version of my past self, with obviously aging skin, bones and muscles. The real me feels invisible in a crowded room.

With incessant digital capturing, I’m shocked at images of my middle-aged face and form — so drastically different from the athletic, unwrinkled woman inside. This matronly version of myself is not one I easily appreciate. And my mind? The forgetfulness, the confusion and unrest. Not knowing what’s next or what to do? Who am I?

In the little time my youthful self spent thinking about midlife, my current reality was not a part of my imaginings. Midlife crisis doesn’t fit because it implies recklessness and chaos. I don’t want to dismantle what I spent a lifetime building. Yet something tells me, even as Rob and I are creating a second infrastructure with “family” in mind, I need to face the truth that the old is falling away like the blooms of spring, and new growth is happening without my permission — it’s time to embrace it!

We are blessed and grateful that our children come home fairly often. But nothing is as it once was, and their departures back to their “real” homes always loom. Each good bye is a reminder that the full-time mom season is over.

I get up at 6:30 and begin my morning rituals — but why? I could kiss Rob good bye and sleep a bit more. Most days, I have no where I need to be and no one who is counting on me.

The remaining tasks still available from my stay-at-home-mom days leave me feeling empty. I used to create our family life, full of friends and activity. All that went into homemaking and being mom was fulfilling and gave me great joy. A place and a purpose.

Whether at work or at home, I’ve managed to “busy myself” through the days, even productively sometimes. Then, Rob and I continue the old nighttime patterns, as if we still need to be home weeknights — a rut of sorts.

Recently, I wandered around Fresh Market, departed and drove to Publix — pushing a shopping cart again, but collecting only a bag of grated cheese (I later returned it and left empty handed). The futility of my leftover routine overcame me. We laughed and enjoyed a night out.

I try really hard to live in the present, but I often carry the grief of moments gone. Sweet memories of times fully lived and the regrets of opportunities lost. Recently, I’ve been overwhelmed with longing for my familiar and imperfect but beautiful past life as a bustling family.

God has met me in these last weeks, full of grace and compassion. The funeral of a 90-year old family friend who lived exceptionally well gave me glimpses of my own finish line, my obituary. Thirty, forty fifty… they came so fast. I never really considered life beyond my little “family.” But I am here and God-willing, I have 25-30+ more years. I want to live well and age gracefully.

Psalm 92:14 says, “They will still yield fruit in old age; They shall be full of sap and very green.”

Everything in my life is fair game to offer for examination. To retain if still useful or to remove if outdated. I want to make room for God’s continuing plans and purpose for me. I feel more urgency to share His love. To engage others. More intentional and thoughtful about my steps than before, when doing all the things that made up my days was enough. Now I’m spending a lot more time praying, being still, and listening.

My conversations tell me I’m not alone in this unsettling stage — struggling to loosen my grip both on what always was and on what I thought would be. Wondering if I have the courage to create something new and to claim the life God has for me now.

At 50 I’m living the backside of what I always thought of as my “future.” My goal is to keep my eyes and my heart on God whose grace is eternal and whose work in me will continue until he brings me home.

Something inside whispers that being busy is not the same as being fully alive — and that I have a lot to look forward to, as each day I surrender to being more of who God made me to be. The great thing about the passing years is we get to hang on to every age, as we build on all God accomplishes in each season we are His child.

Isaiah 46:4 says “Even to your old age I will be the same, And even to your graying years I will bear you! I have done it, and I will carry you; And I will bear you and I will deliver you.”

I am greatly encouraged by your comments and thoughts! If you would like to get future posts by email, please let me know below. You can unsubscribe at any time.

Salvation — When “IT” Becomes a Person

February 23, 2015Freedom, personal growth, Purpose, sharing the Gospellouise

I’m joyfully expectant of spending eternity in heaven! My ongoing testimony is all about God and what He has accomplished and continues to do in my heart and life.

Some people put a lot of emphasis on “spiritual birthdays.” But not everyone can pinpoint the date, and repeating a particular prayer is not meant to be an eternal insurance policy.

I was saved by His grace when He led me to believe. I can’t take any credit for this; it is purely a gift from God. I know I’m a Christian, because today — right now — I trust Jesus as my only hope in this world and for eternity.

Glimpses of my story help illustrate when and how salvation didn’t happen and the magnificent work He has done. At 50, I have less memories and more hindsight. I can reach deep into old memory files and fill in gaps with knowledge of how things turned out. Here’s how I see His hand at work —

When I was a plump baby, a pediatrician dubbed me “the perfect specimen,” and the nickname stuck. For decades, I tried hard to live up to it. Spoiler alert: Jesus calls us to Him by name, and mine wasn’t Perfect, Worthy or Good Girl.

My children once found my old trophies and report cards at my parent’s house and teased me about being a teacher’s pet. I’m pretty sure they were put off. I bet they wondered how I could relate to their lives if they didn’t inherit my perfectionism?

I hope by now they understand my over-achieving brand of “self” was just as sinful as any misbehaving. Self-righteousness and perfection are simply more difficult to recognize as sin. They look good on the outside and often win praise from the world. The successful, good girl persona is hard to exchange for surrender, exposed weakness, dependence and ruthless trust — despite being rotten at its core.

When I participated in 6th grade confirmation, I saw our class as good kids completing the next step in a good life. I joined the church. I didn’t understand the Gospel, and I wasn’t saved — but God had long been actively and tenderly wooing me. It’s hard to express, and I couldn’t have called “it” God at the time, but I knew I did matter and Someone cared. I was searching for “it,” because from the tastes I had of Him, I knew He was irresistibly good.

By fourteen, I could no longer imagine perfection, much less achieve it. I continued performing pretty well, but inside I felt an insatiable emptiness. If I ignored “it,” life worked okay and people appreciated me and my efforts — except for boys. I so wanted to be chosen: loved and cherished. But high school romance was much more complicated than gaining the praise and approval of adults.

One night I went to a Baptist Youth rally, because the boy I liked would be there. During the service, I was upset; I couldn’t miss that my guy was very interested in a different girl. I was confused and trying hard to figure out how I could be more of “something” I couldn’t name much less understand, when God overwhelmed me and my thoughts — and called me to another relationship.

All else was silenced as the speaker explained that living in the strength of my flesh and for my own purposes was sinful — even if I was trying to be good. I thought sin was murder, stealing, lying and the like. For the first time in my life I really heard the good news. God showed me my heart of flesh was wicked. I deserved hell and NEEDED a Savior. And that Jesus would have died to save me, even if I had been the only one who needed Him. He loved me that personally?

I didn’t know what an altar call was, but when they asked anyone who wanted to be forgiven of their sins and accept Jesus into their hearts to come forward, I was there — alone in a crowd — with Jesus. My contrition was sincere.

Was I saved that night? For many years I thought so, but later in life I questioned “it.” Was it dramatic enough to have been real? I was certain the Holy Spirit had touched me deeply and definitely gained significant ground in my heart, but did I need to do more?

I’m not sure anyone else noticed a difference in me back then. I didn’t talk about “it” and kept living for the perceived expectations of others, including God. However, I knew deep inside that I couldn’t measure up, even to my own goals. Achievement was increasingly less meaningful and more tiring to live for.

I did read the Bible and pray more often — usually asking God to bless my plans and decisions, but my desire for Him was not exactly a hunger or thirst. I used God as an avenue to achieving better success. I sensed there was more to God and faith than I understood. I wanted more from “it,” but I had no idea how to get close enough to Him to ask what else I needed to do.

When I went to church last Sunday, the above post was finished (with a different, shorter ending), but for some reason, I hadn’t published it. I think God knew why.

Through the sermon from Acts about Paul’s conversion, God revealed a little more of His work in me. I always struggled with how little my behavior changed following that night at the altar. After church, I saw “it” differently.

God did begin to transform my heart at the Youth Rally. While I didn’t understand all it meant to follow Christ at the time, the Holy Spirit came to dwell in me. No less dramatically than an alcoholic who quits drinking or a criminal who repents, I believe God took away my thrill in the world’s offering of achievement and recognition. I never would have nor could have given it up by my own volition. I thought I just floundered for years due to indecisiveness; I didn’t recognize His hand until now.

Years later at Vanderbilt, I met Flip. We made a foolproof plan… we would get our Engineering degrees, then MBAs. Because we could do the geeky stuff AND communicate, we figured we would climb to the top fast! Flip is now CEO of a Fortune 500 in the energy field.

I on the other hand, derailed. I left Engineering, changed majors a few times and earned a schizophrenic BA in English with related work in Communication and Business and all electives in Engineering. I earned no accolades and left no mark in college. After graduation I debated getting an MDiv or MBA, but instead got an MRS.

Despite some giftedness, I just never felt any passion around engineering, math, or business. I looked “good enough” to a disinterested world, but on the inside I knew I was more broken and empty than ever. I felt some guilt about not living up to my academic/ career potential, but couldn’t seem to care. I later gave grad school another shot, but dropped out with severe nausea and vomiting on my way to my next title: MOM.

Only the Holy Spirit living in me could have broken my addiction to worldly success. He saved me from hell and continues to transform me. Now I know my greatest success in life is something He did for me, though I never deserved it. My greatest success is knowing God and experiencing Him intimately through His Son, Jesus. If not accomplished in this light, all else is rubbish.

My next posts will be of His continuing work of grace in my heart. “And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.” (Phil 1:6)

PS: I ran across Flip’s name recently in a google search. We haven’t kept up, but it’s my hunch that God is smiling on Flip’s path — ‘our’ plan just wasn’t His plan for me.

I am greatly encouraged by your comments and thoughts! If you would like to get future posts by email, please let me know below. You can unsubscribe at any time.