Monthly Archives: December 2013

my call to seminary

December 9, 2013Freedom, personal growth, Purposelouise

When I graduated from college, I always assumed I’d go on to graduate school — either to business school or to seminary. I knew what career path an MBA might lead to, but I’m not sure I had ever heard of a Master of Divinity, and I didn’t want to be a “preacher.” They were just two possible disciplines for continued schooling, considered by a young woman searching for a plan and a purpose.

Business School was a good choice, because academically I could do the work — and I felt a certain expectation from others that I use those gifts. Why consider seminary? There was a much stronger pull that originated from deep within me. One to learn more about God. A haunting if you will, that there was so much more to faith than I knew. I wanted the integrated faith-life I read about in Norman Vincent Peale and others. I was quietly and desperately searching, but not at all sure for what.

In high school, I spent many nights with my friend Joni. I was keenly aware of “something” different in the lives of her parents, precious Jack and Sue. They were a fabulous example of a Godly couple. I’m not sure if they knew that all those many teens flowing in and out of their home were watching and learning so much from them. I know I was. And many of us would attest to the positive impact they had on our future walk as Christians, well after we all moved away.

In Jack and Sue I saw a gentle and loving conviction to live out their faith. If you spent the night with them on Saturday, you went to church with them on Sunday! They said prayers before meals that weren’t memorized, but conversational! I saw them praying together in the porch swing once, when no one else was around. God and faith were woven into their conversations and daily lives with us as naturally as the weather, our dating lives, and sports teams! They laughed with us and listened to us. They seemed to sincerely value and respect teenagers, and care for us as individuals. I knew they had something I wanted, though I couldn’t have named it at the time. Looking back, I thank God for the seeds of desire for HIM that Sue and Jack planted in my heart.

College graduation came, and on its shirt tails a wedding. I still planned to go to graduate school soon after. The MBA idea faded, and I looked into the only two seminaries in my new town. One did not have female students and the another believed the Bible was ‘fairytales’ to help us live better lives. Needless to say, I didn’t go to seminary. Still I felt the hole, the gap. As a young mother, I once considered the four of us moving for me to go to seminary. I was almost through the application process for online classes at Dallas Theological Seminary, when they realized I was in a divorce process, and wisely suggested I hold off until it was resolved. In all these explorations of seminary, I was very thoughtful — and not all that prayerful. It was all my idea for what God might want me to do for Him.

sunrise at Alligator Point, my sanctuary

Finally, on Memorial Day of 2008, sitting on my front porch at Alligator Point with my Bible and journals, I felt God’s call to seminary! It was irrefutable and compelling unlike any time in my life. I knew I was supposed to go to Atlanta to RTS — that fall. I started planning; anything else would have been disobedient — of that I was certain. I started looking for schools for my Sophomore and Senior in high school to attend. I searched for a home in Atlanta and put my Tallahassee house on the market. I applied to RTS, stating in my application that I felt “called” to seminary, possibly to write? I wanted to know all there was to know about God and the Bible. To put to rest the confusion in my heart over denominational differences and some of the mysteries that baffled me. I wanted God to change me and use me! I was willing to do whatever he wanted me to do… I wanted that something I felt was missing, despite all God had done in me.

Much went well initially, and I took it all as confirmation from God that I had heard Him correctly. In early August, my children and I moved to Atlanta. By early October we were all settled in school and had moved into our new home. I had been through a lot in both my marriage and my divorce. I had learned so much about God and myself. Truly, I had grown quite a bit.

Then in October of 2008, I began a new journey of suffering and growth. All the rest of the things that I had unwittingly been putting my faith in were stripped away. I was on quicksand and everything around me was unstable. The market crashed, and I had only passive income. I was a stranger in a new town. My mom and dad entered a new season of life and health, as my father was diagnosed with aphasia. My relationship with a boyfriend ended and with it an intense revisiting of years of painful rejection. My children all had serious illnesses. One hated Atlanta and both were struggling more than I ever anticipated. I was struggling and alone more than ever before. Was this really God’s plan?

Skipping all the details of how “life” as I knew it was stripped away, I found myself in an un-welcomed pattern. I would get the kids to school, then spend all day in my bedroom, reading, writing and praying. I would rally as best I could when they returned in the afternoon. I remember one day wishing God would just take me… because I couldn’t take the pain of this life anymore. That was my lowest point, and also a new level of brokenness and surrender that allowed the Holy Spirit to teach me and change me in deeper ways.

As only God could arrange it, I had the semester-long assignment in a class on devotional classics to read as much of one author as possible, and to write a paper and present their works to the class. I chose Henri Nouwen, and as I read, and wrote, and wept in my bedroom alone, I learned a little more about what it means to say I am His Beloved. Jesus met me in such loving and intimate ways, that I almost welcome the next dark, midnight hour in my life. His faithfulness touched me. His love penetrated me. I am His.

It was all His plan. I learned a little more about why I might have been called to Atlanta and to seminary. Notice, it was never a call to a formal church ministry. I wanted to master the Bible. I wanted to know more about Him. Instead, as I called out to Him, when all I thought I could count on was gone, He answered and revealed more of Himself to me.

I realized that what I was looking for was not knowledge, but a deeper more intimate and ever-present relationship with my Lord. That’s what Jack and Sue had, that I had wanted way back in high school. I had learned enough by then to know (in my mind) that my personal relationship with Jesus was the key, but it wasn’t my reality. In my darkest hour, Jesus penetrated my heart. The path from my head to my heart can be a long and treacherous passing. He taught me that it was okay that all those years, I had been wanting to learn more about Him. But what He wants is for me to engage more regularly and more deeply with Him. To seek Him and Him alone, above all else.

This is obvious to me now, as the concept would have been to me even at the time, but I am stubborn — slow to adapt. I am an experential learner, and my Creator knows it. He had many reasons for calling me to RTS and Atlanta. I believe my husband, Rob, is one of them. Stripping away false gods and worldly security is another. Many reasons I may never understand, but I do know this: He went there before me and was with me through it all. He loved me and provided for all I needed at each step. He taught me to seek Him first, even as I study His Word and learn more about Him. He brought me though the fire, a little more refined — and I want more and more of HIm. I’m still learning all that He already taught and continues to teach me. But there is no doubt, I encountered my Savior and did not and cannot remain unchanged.

The joke around seminaries is that they can be a cemetery for faith. During my time at RTS, ultimately, I didn’t seek a degree, I took only Bible classes and eventually only audited those. It was important for me to stop “performing” in class and to acknowledge why I was there both to myself and to God. Now I am in Tallahassee again. The Atlanta chapter was four years brief! I am still searching and learning. I’m still impatient with myself and how slowly I am growing, but I know for Whom, through Whom, and by Whom all things will happen. I will Trust Him, and I am more fully alive!

facebook games

December 7, 2013Freedom, gratitude, personal growthlouise

There’s a game going around facebook where you are a assigned a number and are supposed to tell that many facts about yourself – facts people might not know. I really didn’t want to play. Silly as it is, even at almost 50, I care who responds to my posts. Well, a childhood friend I haven’t seen in at least 35 years assigned me the number 10!

Part of me wanted to play. At least she had asked me to join in! I appreciated that. It’s that idea that you want to be invited to the party that you don’t want to go to, because you want to be wanted! You would think I had outgrown that by now. And you would think I would not have much to say about a silly facebook game. But when I reread my post, I realized how superficial and factual I was about myself — careful NOT to reveal anything controversial, unflattering or deep. I was truthful, but not all that “real.”

It doesn’t matter. It’s just facebook, truly! Not the forum to bare one’s soul. I want to get off social media, but I am also drawn to it. Facebook serves a purpose I am sure. But for me, it is often a pathetic counterfeit for real relationship. After the initial reconnecting with old friends, I am at a loss. I “like” their photos and comments. Make a comment here and there — usually sincere. But, why just facebook? Why not plan a reunion and really get together? With those in town, it seems we talk less and type more. Deep inside, being on facebook for me feels sort of “bad.” Like I should shut it down and get out there engaged with real people.

But this post isn’t about facebook per se. I want to make my game post more real. Below my post is copied. The bold is my attempt to really share a little of who I am.

Louise Wight Murphy

November 22 near Tallahassee, FL

Michelle gave me the #10! Big number! Some things you might not know… In a message to Michelle, I had commented, “I’m really not that interesting!” I know everyone is beautifully and wonderfully made in the image of our creator. I am a princess! Daughter of the KING! The Holy Spirit lives in me. Why did I feel the need to discount before I started. Old habits die hard. If I convince myself I don’t really care before I ever try something risky, I can’t feel hurt or disappointment, right? But I don’t want to live this way. So, there’s my first deeper truth.

1. I had a 12.1 lb. / 24″ baby. Healthy and beautiful “little” boy. He wore a 3-month size from birth! He was beautiful! I was fairly sick. He was 3 weeks overdue and I had toxemia and was slow to recover. HIV Aids was rampant, and my doctors were prolonging ordering a blood transfusion. Finally, it was necessary, but I improved while we waited on the blood… the risks of bad blood outweighed my need. I was in the hospital 5 days before I brought him home, so my mom had to leave. I felt very vulnerable and alone, as I wasn’t supposed to pick up 12 pounds, yet. But how could I not!? (Thanks be to God!)
2. I was on the Vanderbilt Inaugural Women’s golf team in 1986 — they had to field a team in order to recruit for the next season (Title 9). I could juggle golf balls, but had to borrow my Mom’s clubs to “play” on the nicest courses in Nashville! This is a fun story to tell! I still am not a good golfer. At that time, I didn’t even know how to grip a club! I am an athlete and a competitor in other sports. Maybe too much so… My memory is that the coach needed some of us to go to the SEC tournament. I refused. I was too competitive to make a fool of myself with real golfers. I don’t remember who went. I was on the team, but I never played in a real tournament.
3. I was an aunt when I was 6. My nephew, Todd Ellefson, is really my only brother! All true. Also, I was the youngest of 5 girls. I felt a little insignificant. I always wanted, not a necessarily brother, but someone, anyone younger that I could dominate! I even told my mother once, that I wanted a younger sibling, or at least a retarded one! Oh my! (Thank you, God, for my precious nephew-brother.)

Kenya 1996 - too close to bull elephant — Kenya 1996 – too close to bull elephant

4. I was chased by a bull elephant in Africa… I guess I got a little close for my photo op. Again, a great story to tell. There was a fairly deep ravine between me and the elephant, who was only about twenty yards away. Our safari guide thought if I got close enough, the ravine would “disappear” and the illusion would be that I was standing next to the elephant. We got too close, he bellowed (or whatever you call that noise), flared his ears and began to gallop (elephants kill by trampling). I ran, the photographer ran, and my then-husband, who was videoing the whole thing, ran. The story actually broke my heart. Neither of the men showed any concern for me. Both were ahead of me, and just turned to run away. It added hurt to a pain deep in my soul, but I never acknowledged it — until now. (Thank you, God! For keeping me safe and always loving and pursuing me – even when I felt alone and abandoned, You were there.)
5. I was struck by lightning in the Publix parking lot — one guy saw it. It blew the METAL tip off my umbrella. My arm was numb for about 12 hours. Not much to add here, except I sort of took it in stride — meaning, I didn’t feel incredibly grateful that I wasn’t dead. (Glad God is teaching me gratitude!) I didn’t tell many people. I just finished shopping and went home. There’s a sad and repeated message in that. “Don’t feel, don’t think too much, don’t cause waves or require care.” At that time, I was shut off from my emotions to survive, Today, I still have to override that tendency. (Thank you, God!)
6. Not about me, but my grandmother lived to be 107.5! She was so loving and central in my life, even though she was already 70 when I was born.
7. I have always wanted to write books… my journals stacked would be taller than I am…but no book! Fear of failure? Fear of exposure? I don’t know. That’s part of what I’m exploring in this blog.
8. I was an Engineering major for my first 1.5 years. A love for literature and writing (inspired by my English teachers, Ann Larson and Libby Atwell — I’m eternally thankful for you both!) caused me to switch to English via Math — I took my first college English class in the 2nd semester of my Jr year! I graduated with an English major and “related work” in Business and Communications with all my electives in Engineering! Can you say undecided? That’s it. I’ve never quite found my niche… what God created me for.
9. I went to Italy alone for 10 days… AWESOME! True, really awesome AFTER I collapsed into a teary mess when I arrived. Sobbed for hours. Called a friend at home. Timidly went into a square in Florence for dinner alone. Then slept, and slept, and slept. Backing up a day, I had to rush my departure by a day because a hurricane was bearing down on Tallahassee. I flew to Atlanta, and spent the night with a sister. We “just happened” to have dinner with friends of hers, who gave me the name of a guide in Italy who was awesome. She of course was booked 6-12 months in advance. When I woke up, I received a last minute call from Lucia. A cancellation for the next day! Knowing there was someone out there I would be meeting gave me courage and hope. Lucia was a God send in the true meaning of the word (see gratitude post). The trip became what I wanted. A line of dermarcation. I was in the middle of a divorce, when my husband got cancer. Everything had to go on hold. I needed to face a lot of fears (I had never been to Europe, so this trip was representative of all things new). I needed to prove to myself that I would be ok. I could take care of myself. I’m a very experiential learner. The trip was a gift and a blessing in many ways. And writing this has reminded me that it’s never too late to praise God with heartfelt thanksgiving!

10. Driving back to college in the rain, I spun in 3 complete circles and stopped, facing the correct way, on the shoulder… of !-75 north of Atlanta! I believe in guardian angels. Again, not sure how grateful I was. Not sure I told many people… just took it in stride. I learned early to be resilient, strong, independent, and self sufficient — at least on the outside. Now I’m trusting God to change me — I’m surrendering daily, except when I forget. I want to be grateful in ALL things, dependent on Him alone, to see God for Who He is, and let HIm live through me. My words sounds like a distant echo, even to my ears… because I’m not there, yet. I’m impatient with myself and how slowly I am dying to self. I want to reflect Christ, not live in struggle. (And more prayers of thanks today!)

Wow, and after my recent post on gratitude, what a wonderful reminder. God is faithfully and gently opening my eyes to all I have somewhat taken for granted. Thankful, but not acknowledging Him as the One to whom my thanksgiving is most due. Repentance. Grace. Mercy. Thanksgiving, praise and love…

double blow out!

December 6, 2013divorce, gratitude, personal growthlouise

When I was very newly divorced, I wrote 5 short articles, which as a series I called “Recently Singled Out.” I was hoping they would one day help others. I had no plan for publishing them, and no one read them. I tucked the hard copies away and totally forgot them, only to be found just now as I’m starting my blog! God is so good! 😉 I’m pretty sure I had never heard of a blog in 2006. I’ll share them here, labeled “article” with my voice as it was (present tense in 2006). I’ve added a few notes, labeled “perspective.”

2006 Article: In the middle of a divorce or any life crisis, even more “bad” things are likely to happen, because we are stressed, distracted and not fully ourselves.

2013 Perspective: I remember one day when, returning home from getting a cast on one child’s broken arm (2 days late after a misdiagnosis), I ran over our Jack Russell in my Suburban! My healthy child was at a swim meet with no mom watching, so I had to wake up my child home alone with mono to hold the dog on the way to the vet. The vet (who was in the middle of surgery when we all busted in the room) took one look at the dog in shock, and sent us home without Bandit. He believed the little guy would be dead from internal bleeding in no time. The good news? Bandit only needed two stitches! (We believe he is a “fenine” with 9 lives). At the time, I took this all in stride without tears or much emotion at all. It just seemed normal. I was in survival mode – with no idea that most of my days were crazy!

2006 Article: My life has been so unbelievably “bad” that countless people have told me I should write a screenplay. It would have all the elements of sensation needed to excite Hollywood. The biggest problem is that when the story is told, my last two years don’t read as credible! All that just couldn’t happen to one person in such a short time.

One day a sweet friend sent me flowers with a card that read, “I’m thinking of you.” I didn’t know if she was thinking of me because of my marital issues and separation, my ex husband’s cancer diagnosis and subsequent move back to my house, or because I had found my aptly named lab, Punkin, dead in her crate Sunday morning. All deserved tears, and all happened within days of one another. My sister still insists I should write a country ballad full of that week’s heartache. Maybe one day I’ll be able to tell my story with poetic humor. Nashville, are you listening?

Until then, I have learned through it all to see the good in “bad” situations – even to laugh in the face of it all. Punkin could have died a slow death. God knew we couldn’t take that too. While his cancer delayed my divorce by many months, it afforded me the time to get my emotions and mind in check and to strengthen myself for the process. Mayo (where we sought treatment) is near the beach, so it gave me a respite I could never have claimed at home. I also had a sister nearby, and both she and my brother-in-law were with me through it all.

I have found it is also essential to find humor whenever possible, even when I feel such despair that I’d like to curl up in bed all day or maybe even not wake up. Though usually short-lived, and now infrequent, these days are real. I don’t want to deny them and give the impression that I can always laugh or be thankful. I cannot.

sometimes the seaweed just rolls in — at times the seaweed just rolls in

I knew that I had made great progress the day I had a double blow out! After picking up a sandwich, I was trying to turn out of a parking lot. The lady in front of me was moving too slowly for my mood, so I did a u-turn and went out of my way to use the other exit. My mind drifted and I hit the curb – hard. I blew out both tires on the right side. My car already needed four new tires, and I had almost bought them the day before. I was truly thankful not to be buying tires number 5 and 6 in less than 24 hours. I turned on the hazards and called AAA. The wrecker wouldn’t be there for 20 minutes, so I ate my sandwich. For some reason the battery died too, and with it my hazards. People started honking and cussing me like I had randomly chosen to have a picnic at the intersection!

I started laughing out loud! About that time my sister called (I put her on speaker so the angry drivers would just think I was crazy and talking to myself). I told her I just had a double blow out, and it was the BEST thing that had happened to me in a long time! I meant it in all sincerity. If I had used the other exit, I most likely would be in a ditch. The tires I needed were in stock. The wrecker arrived quickly and also changed my battery. My sandwich didn’t get soggy. Except for the blowouts, everything had gone incredibly well! 😉

Like I said, sometimes I feel downright gloomy. But this mini wreck served as an example of what a difference perspective and thankfulness can make. Divorce could definitely be compared to a double blow out! Despite how wrong my life seems right now, just after my settlement, maybe I just need to shift my perspective to all the ways I have grown through all this.

2013 Perspective: More than 7 years later, I can honestly say I am thankful to God for all I have been through, because of the wonderful ways he has used adversity to teach me growing dependence on Him and a surrender and humility I never knew before. And what faith He is growing in me! I am learning to trust Him ruthlessly, because He has come through when I am utterly weak and powerless. He has shown me time and again that he knows me by name, and cares intimately about my life and my heart for Him.